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My Husband's Drinking Has Destroyed Our Lives

by P

I have been married for 9 years now. When I first met my husband, I was 18 years old, and he was 22. I moved 2 hours away from my mother, to my fathers house. I didn't have many friends, and I was suffering from depression. The one girlfriend I did have introduced me to my husband.

We drank and partied every time we were together but I figured this was normal for kids our age. He was a very caring person, and I hit it off with his family, and felt like I belonged some where for the first time in my life. I got pregnant with my son right after we met, and he would go out and drink, and I wouldn't know where he was.

I would scream and cry at him when he got home. I was dysfunctional as well. I didn't drink but I had major anger issues that stemmed from childhood issues. He would act like a jerk when he was drunk and I would get angry and end up punching him or something. It would turn into a destructive episode.

We continued this cycle of him getting drunk and me getting angry, then it would turn into fist fights. I would hit him, and he would hit me back. I thought it was my anger issues that were the problem, and if I could just get control over my anger, things would be fine. I became very resentful of him after my son came home from the hospital and he wasn't there to help me, I was only 18, and my son had medical issues at the time.

But, my husband would always put the alcohol before me and his son. So the resentment just kept building and building. I was alone in a grubby little apartment at 18 years old crying my eyes out, and feeling so very very alone in taking care of my little baby. We have been through everything you can think of. My son (9yrs old) has seen things nobody should ever have to witness, especially from their parents.

However, over the years I have begun to change, I have the ability to see my faults and I want to try to change them. For many years I had no idea of how to change, but slowly I began working through many of the issues I had. I began to mature and grow as a person, while my husband stayed the same.

I believe that alcohol has a way of keeping a person stuck right where they are, they don't have the ability to grow and develop as a person. So as I worked through my issues and became a more balanced person. I finally said to my husband a couple of years ago, that's it. I refuse to become violent with you no matter what you do. I don't want our son to see one more violent fights between us. And, for the most part the violence has stopped.

I still feel like punching him when he comes home drunk, and says and does terrible things but I always remember my son which stops me. When he is drunk he will call me a whore, and say very mean things to me, for no reason at all. He will come in my bedroom when I am sleeping, wake me up, and start harassing me. I tell him to just leave me alone and go to sleep, this seems to make him angry, and then he starts yelling and breaking things in the house, for what seems to me, no real reason at all.

It hurts me very much, and I wonder why I even bother trying to make a good life for us anymore, when he doesn't seem to care about anything, even himself. It is not just me who he says mean things to, he says them to my son. That literally breaks my heart. I can't stand watching my sons feelings get hurt. Then, the next day he either won't remember what he said, or he will say he's sorry and expect everything to be fine, he expects me to just forgive him like that. And, the resentment grows.

I love the person my husband is when he is sober, but I really hate the man he is when he is drunk (he usually gets drunk at least 3 times a week). I want a better life now that I am a little older and a little wiser. He doesn't seem to get it. I have changed and he has not. He always promises me that he will cut down on his drinking or he won't be mean to me or my son when he's drinking, but he always ends up hurting us anyway. I keep waiting for him to grow up.

This last binge episode had me at my breaking point, I told him to leave. He was going to leave. Then, I became frightened because of my own insecurities and told him we could talk about it. Of course he told me he would cut way down on his drinking. So I forgave him. That was last week, now I am depressed and feel like he will do it again, and how am I supposed to know if he is telling the truth this time, or if he really is going to change?

I always tell myself I could deal with his drinking if he just wouldn't get so mean, then he promises he won't be mean and I believe him. I have never lived by myself, except for a brief 2 months when we split up once, and I was extremely depressed, and almost couldn't function. So I stay. I try to find things that will make me happy. I try to accept him for who he is, I feel like if I can somehow accept it, things will be ok.

Am I delusional? It seems like I put alot of pressure on myself. I don't have any friends, and my mother and sister live 2 hrs away. Lately, I have been thinking about packing up and moving down there, but am very scared that I will become extremely depressed like before, or I won't have enough money to make it, or I won't make any friends, and will feel very lonely. I worry my son will be lonely too. What do I do? Please, I need some advise from someone in a similar situation.

To ensure your spouse or partner's drinking doesn't also destroy your life, Help Me! I'm Love With An Addict: How To Survive A Relationship With An Alcoholic or Drug Addict will give you the answers you need to avoid that happening. No more feeling helpless and confused as to what to do. It's time to take your life back and that starts with knowing exactly what you need to do.

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Jul 15, 2011
I made it to the other side
by: Anonymous

You have to weigh all of your options and make the best decision for you but this is, in a nutshell what happened to me.

14 years of marriage. Husband drank just like yours the last 6 years. I hung in there. He hit me after calling me all the same names. I was finally done. I asked for the divorce the next morning. In the last 6 years it has been really hard but it was totally worth it. He has been in rehab 6 times and is now in an inpatient/incarceration type facility. He almost died 3 times from dt's. He has lost everything.

I did not go down with that ship. I got out, I struggled I had ups and downs, but now I am remarried, sober myself, have both of our kids with me full time and have a step daughter and a grandbaby. My life is amazing. I'm not sure what would have happened had I stayed.

It is hard. But you can change your stars. Count on your family for help.

I wish you all the best.

Jul 08, 2011
My story
by: Anonymous

I have been with my husband for 17 years - Ever since I was 16.

We both used to payty when young, but slowly over time I started to realise that socialising with my husband meant I wasn't able to have a completley relaxed good time. I was constantly worried about him drinking himself into a bad state and either embarrasing himself or me with his the agumentative way in which he become in these state.

After a 6 month period of seperation 10 years ago, and after him making some terrible decisions and hurtful self distruction actions, I forgave him, listened to his promises that he would 'cut back the booze and the pot' and we will be happier.

This lasted in short spaces before the next episode would occur. We ended up having 3 beautiful daughters.

6 weeks ago he decided to leave our family, as he had found someone else(someone singe, with no kids that he could party with).

My advice to you is yes, there may be some lonely times ahead - but truely ask yourself now even being in this relationship are you lonely. it possibly is the issue behind you not having more people around you. I know since my husband has gone, I feel I have gained a lot more friends, I have pangs of hurt, but I know now I can do better for myself and that I think by the sounds of it you can too. Line your ducks in a row and plan the exit strategy well, so there will be as few hiccups as possible. I wish you all the luck in the world. But you sound like a strong person, and you can find happiness and piece elsewhere. :)

Jul 03, 2011
Will give you my history
by: Anonymous

Hi P,

I did the drinking with ex-wife in the beginning. I'll be honest to say I probably did more of it.

After our son was born, it straightened me out.

To make a long story short, my ex-wife's drinking escalated to a point of no return. Fights, yes. Always promises from her but always broken.

My family lived 3000 miles away. I was embarrassed to tell them of my problems. I was also scared to leave.

I did talk to a counselor. After telling the counselor my problems, I asked what I should do? Should I stay or should I leave?

She basically told me that I already know the answer. What is really important to you? For me, it was my son.

So, P, if you get along well with your mother and sister, I would suggest considering going to stay with them. They can help you with your son. Everything else, will fall into place.

Trust me, this is not an easy decision. It will be very stressful in the beginning. Your husband will make bigger promises. You have already been through this.

On a legal note, you must tell your husband where you are moving too. I would suggest a separation agreement. If you really do wish for your husband and you to be together, set terms as to child custody and for him to attend addiction counseling.

P.S. One year later, my wife moved the 3000 miles to try to save the marriage. She stayed sober for one year before everything started happening again. We divorced. She is still a mess 10 years later.

Best wishes.

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