My Husband's Alcoholism is Tearing Our Family Apart: Should I Leave Him?
I am sitting here crying at 2:00 in the morning. I just finished "scream" texting him for the last hour to get home and like always he is ignoring my calls and/or texting back snide, rude and insensitive messages. It is always me being the B*@#%! and intruding in on him and his fun. He is always going out to drink to "get away, relax or celebrate".
I use to believe him for a few years that I was the reason or problem for him having to get away or go out to drink at the bars or with his buddies.
I never grew up around any alcoholics and so I knew nothing about this emotionally painful disease. Yet, here I am today 9 years later in a marriage that has fallen apart once (separation for 2 yrs) and is on the brink of me walking away again.
I've tried to educate myself and protect my kids from his drinking binges but I still feel helpless and stupid. Helpless because I feel stuck in a never ending nightmare and stupid for having gotten myself and my children into this mess.
I always pictured the American dream family. Two lovely kids and a supportive and loving husband. I am too embarrassed by my situation that I put on a happy, my life is wonderful facade to all my friends. But I am too embarassed to even tell my best friend from high school of my pain and suffering.
Sometimes my husband will go days and be okay. He even "gives up beer" for Lent and can do it! So why can't he do it after Lent? I keep being an enabler and hoping he will just "snap out of it" one day.
During our first separation he acknowledged his drinking problem, said he would get help and I went to a couple of Al Anon meetings. He agreed his drinking was probably due to his father being an alcoholic for 40+ years. Plus he has a tendency to be depressed or get black moods.
I am mad at myself for not sticking to my first plan of separation and for not being strong by remaining apart. He had made some progress but now we are BACK AT SQUARE ONE.
I have become a completely different person by all this. I use to be such a happy, positive person and could never be mean. Now I scream and yell not only at my husband but at my small kids too (7 & 4).
My daughter is a very sensitive child and I
feel guilty because I think mine and my husbands relationship problems and fighting has groomed her this way. My mom had always taught me to walk away from violence, bite my tongue and take the higher road.
Yet, I find every insult and hurt I can to hurl at my husband after one of his binges and then feel horrible and regret my reactions the next day, but not due to him but for my kids.
Right now is a good example: I have locked myself and my kids in the master bedroom to keep him out. He has gotten home and is drunkenly knocking on the bedroom door incessantly-it is 2:30 in the morning. He is being loud and is waking up both our children. I just calmed our daughter down and put her back to sleep. My husband wants a pillow and blanket and will not leave us alone.
He has also turned on the heater I guess to punish me (not thinking about the kids) or make me open the door to turn down the a/c so he can jump in the room and lock me out. THIS IS THE CRAP I AM TIRED OF!!!!! Yet I stupidly stay put because I feel too scared to move on.
How will I be able to support me and my kids? I have an okay job but the stress of finding a babysitter with the hours I work. His mom has been our babysitter since the first baby was born. Also, I will be traumatizing my daughter again with a 2nd separation. I should be strong like I use to be. I know I should be giving them a better life so why am I frozen? Please help me!!!!
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