My Husband Abuses Alcohol Secretly and Nobody Knows but I Have Figured It Out.
We dated for 3yrs 6months and got married a couple of months ago. He picked me up at the airport in August 2011 and was late picking me up and I he is NEVER LATE ... well come to find out it was because he had been drinking.
I didn't know what was wrong with him and I was very very scared riding in the vehicle with him. He couldn't even speak clearly ... I was very scared.
The next day he admitted to me that he had drank something without eating and that he was very embarrassed and sorry that he had put me in that predicament. He promised to never do that again.
That was the first time I ever saw him like that. Then his friend of 42 years died and he showed up at my house drunk and I accused him of drinking and he left and went to stay at his house/office in another city which is about 30 mins. from my house.
He has a house/office and I have a house. His mother came over to talk to me because I was so upset and she told me to trust my husband that he won't ever lie to me and she said that if he said he's not drinking then he's telling me the truth.
So after that he continued to have these episodes of stumbling and slurring his words. I can tell when he's been drinking too because when I talk to him on the phone he's slurring his words.
Long story short in April 2012 I found a LARGE sealed bottle of vodka in his kitchen cabinet and then I looked again a couple of days later and approx. 1/4 of it was gone then I looked again in a couple of days and the bottle was not in the cabinet anymore ...
I don't know where it went but why would the entire bottle be removed from the cabinet??? So this was very very suspicious. It didn't make any sense to me. So this makes me feel almost certain that he is drinking plenty of alcohol when I'm not around.
He owns his own business and is his own person and NOBODY can tell him what to do and so I never tell him what to do and he never tells me what to do. His family knows not to tell him what to do as well and they all know how much he loves me and also that I am very very good for him.
They know he is having these episodes and say that I am the ONLY one that can help him because I am his wife and they KNOW that he won't listen to them and as I said NOBODY can tell him what to do.
So I'm in this all alone because his family believes his behavior is due to his head injury (see below) and I believed that too but now I don't believe that anymore.
My husband and I both have total respect for each other. Of course I have expressed concerns to him when he's sober that I am concerned about him getting hurt (because he had a wreck ... read below).
When I talk to him he seems like he wants to take better care of himself but he is still drinking because he is still slurring his words and unsteady on his feet.
Most of the time he is fine ... approx. 70% of the time he is fine, but he'll leave his office/house and come to my house for the night and when he gets here he is unsteady on his feet and slurring his words.
The only time that he gets like this is when I'm not around and then he'll show up at my house intoxicated. Whenever we are together and he's not out of my sight he is fine ... so go figure.
I know how alcoholics are because I've been around them and so I understand the way they are. However, if I try to say something to him I don't think it's going to do any good. Also I KNOW not to talk to him when he's been drinking because he won't be able to comprehend what I am telling him.
Recently he totalled his BRAND NEW $60K TRUCK and I'm afraid he's going to really hurt himself or worse. I am thinking that I should ask him not to drive over here anymore when he's not right in his head.
What I mean is he had a head injury 33 years ago and so he and his family blame his actions on his head injury and I say balony. The day he wrecked his truck he was messed up (drinking)... I'm surprised they didn't take him to jail.
I'm sure he told the officer that he had a head injury and so they chalked it up to that. I am thinking that maybe I should tell him that I would prefer that he not drive over here anymore when his head is not right?
I have told him that he is not talking or walking straight and that's all I have said to him. So he knows I know something however I DO NOT say to him it's because of his head injury because I am not going to ENABLE him.
However I am having to live with this secret and worry about him falling at his house/office or getting in another wreck. I love him but he's a grown man and so I am trying to just leave him to figure it out on his own but I am not sure if he's going to stop because he's still driving his new truck that he just got to replace the totalled truck. So this is very very scary.
If I confront him when he's sober he might want a divorce or make me think I am crazy for saying that he's drinking. Remember last time I suggested to him that he's been drinking and I told him I can't live like that he walked out on me ... it was very scary. So I am having to live with this secret and I don't have anyone I can talk to to help me.
He is the MAIN bread winner for me and contributes greatly to his family who also depend on him greatly financially. He is a great business man and provider and a wonderful man but I know he is destroying himself with alcohol when I'm not around.
The days that I don't work with him at his house/office he will be over at his place by himself and be drinking ... no other employees work at his office/house.
So if he's not at his house/office drinking then I have to ask myself then why is it that he comes over to my house in the afternoons after work and why is it that he's not steady on his feet and slurring his words badly?
Also when he's like that his speech pattern changes greatly and he doesn't hardly talk he will answer me with short words like yep or nope because I think that he thinks that he's hiding his alcohol secret from me.
So nobody sees him like this but me and his family believe it's all due to his head injury. So I don't know what to do as I am on thin ice with knowing what I BELIEVE to be going on and I don't know how to handle this. It's starting to really bother me. I never saw him like this for the first 3+ years.
I love my husband and we have a GREAT relationship ... WE GET ALONG FANTASTIC AND ALWAYS HAVE AND WE DON'T ARGUE. WHAT SHOULD I DO? I just don't know what to do and I am afraid if I confront him he will just deny what's going on or walk out on me again. Please give me some guidance if you can.
Alcoholism thrives on secrets, excuses and people not confronting it with total truth and honesty. So the longer you leave it and dance around the reality of what's going on, the worse it's going to get.
You only have to read some of the other stories women in your position have shared on this site. Alcoholism has destroyed the person they love, ruined their relationship and left their lives in tatters.
So unless you confront the truth and start calling your husband on his drinking and how it makes you feel ... things are not simply going to disappear or miraculously solve themselves.
If his family want to live in denial, that's their choice. It doesn't mean you have to. Your husband has already had a close shave with his accident ... next time he might not be so lucky, so the best thing you can do is hold him accountable and address what's really going on.
Being open and honest with your husband doesn't mean he's suddenly going to change. But in bringing his drinking problem to light and no longer dancing around it means your husband will be forced to face up to what he's doing.
You have to remember these crucial principles in regards to your husband's alcoholism. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, nor can you cure it. He'll only ever change if he wants to. But that doesn't mean you should just sit by and watch him kill himself.
The starting point is always to communicate your feelings with your husband, letting him know you know about his drinking, (give specific examples), you don't judge him for it, and that you'll help him do whatever it takes to overcome it. He may not take it well, but you can't continue to keep things in the dark.
If things then still don't improve or change - you may have to consider performing an intervention to try and get him professional help. Because beating alcoholism alone is incredibly difficult ... and there is no shame it having it treated.
You should also consider getting yourself to Al-Anon to gather support and help from other spouses going through what you are. It really can make the world of difference because they understand exactly what it's like.
As much as you love your husband, the best way to help him is to face his alcoholism head on by bringing his behavior to light. Because unless you do, things will only get worse.
P.S. If you're for additional advice and guidance, you may want to consider getting yourself Help Me! I'm In Love With An Addict: How To Survive A Relationship With An Alcoholic or Drug Addict
. It covers these and other critical issues in a lot more depth. God Bless and Take Care.