It Just Gets Worse: Alcoholic Husband Abandoned Us, Now Using Drugs and a Criminal
I hope my story helps someone else. My husband is the son of an alcoholic, he comes from a very dysfunctional family. His father is also abusive and molested his sisters when they were just little kids. The mother is an enabler and ignores it all.
I didn't know any of this until after my husband abandoned me and our child in the middle of the night. It was at that point I started to ask, search for answers, sort out what was really happening.
He had a drinking problem, dependent on alcohol, tried to quit, said he did, yet was sneaking it and I knew it. I then started to prepare myself for the worst. I knew it wouldn't be long until he hit the point of total self destruction.
One night out of the blue, he just got up and walked out of the home and never came back. When he left, he took every penny from the accounts. I went to my parents for a few days. When me and my little 2 year old daughter were at my parents, seeking safety and comfort, he stripped the entire contents of our home, and left us with nothing but a bag a clothes that I took when the baby and I left.
It took 4 months to find our things through the police, and put together enough money to hire a lawyer. During that 4 months, he moved in with another man, (sort of question this) his drinking buddy, and drank every day, nonstop, started using drugs, just way out of control.
Then IRS was looking for him, his ex wife obtained a judgement against him for non payment of child support, and I too filed against him for support and sole custody with no visitation. His never showed up for any hearings. His own lawyer couldn't reach him.
It became a regular event for him to be served, when he could be found. He missed court dates, the debts for him escalated. His non- responsiveness only escalated his financial and legal problems, which then, some became criminal.
His once high paying job now was a mere pittance for him to live on due to all the garnishments and not making his quotes. The alcohol/drugs I'm sure is eating up the rest of the money. I found receipts in my truck that was returned to me, the amount of money he was spending on a daily basis to drink disgusted me.
Today, I am building my life all over again, me and my daughter are getting our own home, my finances are on the way to being restored, and life is beginning to be peaceful again.
It seems the more my life gets better, the worse his becomes.
Far different from the day he abandoned us, when I was left with nothing, homeless and penniless, broken and devestated and our little girl was the true victim in all this.
He took all her clothes, her bed, toys, everything from her, just to be an ass because after he left, I left, I REFUSED TO play the game.
Here are some things that I learned which may help you. Even if you are still in love with the alcoholic. I don't know if it is love I feel, or just concern at this point ...
The best thing I thought I could do, is get my life in order. Make a secure future in a complete safety zone, I moved back home which is in a different state, have resources in friends, family, finances, professional legal help, counselors, support groups.
Make as much time as I could to ENJOY my children and my life. Pray, look to the future, don't live in the past. I thought the more I worked on myself and my little family, and my future the better life will be.
I would also be in a much better position to help my spouse on the day he hits bottom and completely destroys his life from drinking, if he asks for help. I MUST say, it doesn't mean I will go rushing back, take him in, I really don't feel or think that is the solution.
But, I will be able to guide him to find help and be able to be supportive of him in a healthy and productive way, and not as an enabler or counterproductive way. Ultimately we all want to see our loved ones healthy and happy.
Best advice I got was to move forward as quickly as possible, start a new life in a way that includes protection from the past, how to deal with the future with that in mind, and move on, get help, stop enabling, understand every co-dependant action or mindset and change it.
IT simply came to a point where I just had to deal with it, get out of denial, and get help for myself and my daughter and do what I had to do to get past it. IT's a lot of work, takes commitment to move forward, but it is necessary.
My question is, can someone please tell me what 'rock bottom' is. What it looks like, how long it takes, what happens there, etc? To me, he really looks like he is at the bottom, thought he would have recognized he needs help, but nope.
I think he is so far gone and messed up, that it will take jail or worse before he realizes he needs to stop. Please tell me about 'rock bottom'.