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It Just Gets Worse: Alcoholic Husband Abandoned Us, Now Using Drugs and a Criminal

I hope my story helps someone else. My husband is the son of an alcoholic, he comes from a very dysfunctional family. His father is also abusive and molested his sisters when they were just little kids. The mother is an enabler and ignores it all.

I didn't know any of this until after my husband abandoned me and our child in the middle of the night. It was at that point I started to ask, search for answers, sort out what was really happening.

He had a drinking problem, dependent on alcohol, tried to quit, said he did, yet was sneaking it and I knew it. I then started to prepare myself for the worst. I knew it wouldn't be long until he hit the point of total self destruction.

One night out of the blue, he just got up and walked out of the home and never came back. When he left, he took every penny from the accounts. I went to my parents for a few days. When me and my little 2 year old daughter were at my parents, seeking safety and comfort, he stripped the entire contents of our home, and left us with nothing but a bag a clothes that I took when the baby and I left.

It took 4 months to find our things through the police, and put together enough money to hire a lawyer. During that 4 months, he moved in with another man, (sort of question this) his drinking buddy, and drank every day, nonstop, started using drugs, just way out of control.

Then IRS was looking for him, his ex wife obtained a judgement against him for non payment of child support, and I too filed against him for support and sole custody with no visitation. His never showed up for any hearings. His own lawyer couldn't reach him.

It became a regular event for him to be served, when he could be found. He missed court dates, the debts for him escalated. His non- responsiveness only escalated his financial and legal problems, which then, some became criminal.

His once high paying job now was a mere pittance for him to live on due to all the garnishments and not making his quotes. The alcohol/drugs I'm sure is eating up the rest of the money. I found receipts in my truck that was returned to me, the amount of money he was spending on a daily basis to drink disgusted me.

Today, I am building my life all over again, me and my daughter are getting our own home, my finances are on the way to being restored, and life is beginning to be peaceful again.

It seems the more my life gets better, the worse his becomes. Far different from the day he abandoned us, when I was left with nothing, homeless and penniless, broken and devestated and our little girl was the true victim in all this.

He took all her clothes, her bed, toys, everything from her, just to be an ass because after he left, I left, I REFUSED TO play the game.

Here are some things that I learned which may help you. Even if you are still in love with the alcoholic. I don't know if it is love I feel, or just concern at this point ...

The best thing I thought I could do, is get my life in order. Make a secure future in a complete safety zone, I moved back home which is in a different state, have resources in friends, family, finances, professional legal help, counselors, support groups.

Make as much time as I could to ENJOY my children and my life. Pray, look to the future, don't live in the past. I thought the more I worked on myself and my little family, and my future the better life will be.

I would also be in a much better position to help my spouse on the day he hits bottom and completely destroys his life from drinking, if he asks for help. I MUST say, it doesn't mean I will go rushing back, take him in, I really don't feel or think that is the solution.

But, I will be able to guide him to find help and be able to be supportive of him in a healthy and productive way, and not as an enabler or counterproductive way. Ultimately we all want to see our loved ones healthy and happy.

Best advice I got was to move forward as quickly as possible, start a new life in a way that includes protection from the past, how to deal with the future with that in mind, and move on, get help, stop enabling, understand every co-dependant action or mindset and change it.

IT simply came to a point where I just had to deal with it, get out of denial, and get help for myself and my daughter and do what I had to do to get past it. IT's a lot of work, takes commitment to move forward, but it is necessary.

My question is, can someone please tell me what 'rock bottom' is. What it looks like, how long it takes, what happens there, etc? To me, he really looks like he is at the bottom, thought he would have recognized he needs help, but nope.

I think he is so far gone and messed up, that it will take jail or worse before he realizes he needs to stop. Please tell me about 'rock bottom'.

Comments for It Just Gets Worse: Alcoholic Husband Abandoned Us, Now Using Drugs and a Criminal

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Jun 15, 2012
what's next
by: Anonymous

Thanks you C J and 'anonymous'. I appreciate your comments, they really help.

I'm still so angry about how it has severely affected me and the baby, and just how dangerous of a situation he put us in, when at the same time, he's out having a high-ho time acting like he doesn't have a care in the world. To me, it's just so unfair that we suffered the brunt of his actions, and he's the one with the self inflicted problem.

I think what also is upsetting is that he blames everyone and everything for his drinking. When he's sober, which was a ways ago, he was such a good guy, a loving person, loved kids, helpful, thoughtful, hard working, devoted. Now, he's just a pitiful mess, looks horrible, so selfish and just says the cruelest and meanest things. It's like he's been hijacked by the devil himself and put me and the baby in his prison.

Looking back, I've seen it build over the last year. At first I thought having a beer or two once in awhile at night was a way to cool off from just normal stress of jobs, raising kids, busy schedules, etc. but now, I see it differently. That's okay if you can do that, but this guy can't handle it. It got to a point where it was every single day of the week from the moment he got home until he fell asleep. He really was just an alcoholic who couldn't cope with normal life and quit and gave into his addiction.

Now he has one of his drinking buddies, the guy he moved in with making threatening remarks toward me and the baby. Sending me text and voice messages saying things like, "if you think kharma is bad- payback is going to be a bastard'. Or he says that if I ask for child support that he's going to 'f' me up.

Well, truth is, the threats show me that he is advancing in his addictions to the point of being mentally imbalanced...more imbalanced than before. I don't discern between him making the threat or his drinking buddy, but how else did he get my number, and I'm sure they talk if they live together and drink together. What's the difference?

What's my next step? I've never dealt with this sort of thing before in my life.

Jun 02, 2012
what is rock bottom
by: Anonymous

Sorry for all that you are and have been through. Rock bottom is different for everyone, I started to believe that everyone do not have a rock bottom. Drugs and alcohol often bring near death experiences, and the person I know often says he wants to die any way. So said... Rock bottom can be a near death experience, the lost of a love one or being homeless.

I wish you the best.

Jun 01, 2012
Rock Bottom
by: C-P

Rock bottom is a mental/emotional place that is different for everyone. It's usually the point when the pain of continuing with drugs or alcohol outweighs the pleasure/gain derived from their addiction.

And that threshold changes from person to person. For some it doesn't take a lot in the sense that a few bad experiences is enough for them to reach the point where they've had enough and are ready to change.

For others things need to get pretty bad in terms of loss of things like health, family, job etc. before they reach that point. And unfortunately some people never reach that point and their addiction ends up killing them.

In recovery speak people sometimes refer to it as being sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's basically an emotional low where you just realise you can't do this anymore.

And often there are many false starts. You think a person has reached it and they even say things that reinforce that like they're ready to quit and they 'can't do this anymore' (i.e. their addiction) ... and boom they're back on it.

So you just never know. It's like something in your mind finally clicks and decides I want out of this nightmare/hell ... and will do anything to change and recover. Why some people reach rock bottom and other don't ... I don't think anyone knows.

Hope that helps. Feel free to also check out Help! I'm In Love With An Addict/Alcoholic for further ideas/insights, but it seems you've done a great job in rebuilding your life and I'm sure your story will serve as an inspiration to many - so thank you!

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