Husband is a Recovering Cocaine Addict/Alcoholic and Wants to Come Home.
I have never been on a site like this before, but I am struggling with my "non-relationship" with my husband. He has been clean for a year now, for 3 years he was fully functioning cocaine addict with an alcohol problem. When he went to a 3 months rehab program, I finally found the strength to leave him and take my children with me.
He says he is clean now, but the person I have in front of me I cannot recognize. He is broke, jobless, but he stands before me now, not beaten or recalcitrant but angry and bitter that I let him down and deserted him in his hour of need. Like all addicts, it is and always has been his ego and needs first. I thought that would change but now that he is clean, I have learned that my husband is just built that way.
I am too angry at what he has done to our family, the broken trust, all of the money what he wasted, the financial and emotional ruin he has put our family through. The sad thing is is that he still doesn't take responsibility for all that he did to us and to himself. He says he has apologized and that I should get over it and to stop thinking only of myself and think of our children and how they need a complete family. He has done "what I asked for" and now he should be allowed to come home as if nothing has happened.
He wants to come home, says I have been a horrible wife for leaving him when he most needed me. He forgets the 3 years of hell I went through with him and his sickness. I should just get over it. But he still "loves me."
After all of the therapy, he is still not able to communicate, to express his fears or even explain what happened. He says that now I am the sick one, how I have become so egotistical. I consider it to be self-preservation. Big difference. This from the person who "loves me."
I wish I could see the man I married, the generous, unselfish, loving funny man ... I prayed he would be the one to survive when the "other man" I was married to the last
3 years disappeared in rehab. I am sometimes not sure if maybe I still only see the monster in him because, there is not one iota of trust, only memories of the past. Before I only wanted to be there for him. Now, I just don't care to hear it.
I can't do it anymore, he is here everyday, playing house on his terms, because I still want my kids to see their Dad ... such a mess. I really wanted to recognize the person in front of me again, when he finally was clean. The parts of his personality that made me so unhappy, I blamed on the drugs. But, as he stands before me now, he seems to be the same, without the excuse of being wasted.
I can't allow myself or my children to be put through it all again. I am so happy to be free, free from his constant inflexibility and judgement. I hope for him that he really is clean, but who knows? I hope he can earn money soon to support us and pay off our debt. Who knows?
I always heard that you have to let the person you love go, so that they can reach rock bottom. I never understood what that meant until I closed the door on him a year ago. From that day on, I killed all feeling I had for him. Because to love him, only hurt him. I protected him, fought for him, paid for him, lied for him. I can't anymore.
Now the question is, how can you love that person again, when the best thing for them was NOT to love them so that they could get better? How can you forgive someone when they are not asking for forgiveness, they are just asking you to forget.
I have no idea, maybe someone out there can help, who has been down the same road. Can you ever go back? Thanks, Corey
It's about learning how to make healthy decisions and if you face a similar dilemma to Corey's, get yourself Help Me! I'm Love With An Addict
so that you can discover how to start doing so. When you learn to start prioritising your own needs again, things will naturally fall into place and the answers you're searching for will become clear.