How To Best Avoid My Husbands Rage When He Drinks?
My husband is what you would call a functioning alcoholic. He doesn't drink during the week but come Friday he drinks a lot. Enough to change him from a nice guy that I love to a complete jerk.
Hi Linda, your frustration is understandable because what you're going through is incredibly difficult, but just trying to ignore what is happening, especially when he has his rage attacks isn't the right way to go about it.
You have to keep talking out against his behavior, because just letting him get away with it won't help. He needs to know his drinking and how he behaves once he's had too much to drink is unacceptable, but it's also a question of how and when you confront him.
When he's like that, the ideal would be to walk away (easier said than done) and remove yourself from the situation. Get out the house, go visit a friend and try and avoid being around him. Then the next day or as soon as he's sobered up again - you confront him in as cool and calm a way as you can (anger just adds fuel to the fire), and let him know how he's hurt you and that he has to stop with his abuse.
The fact that counseling helped your husband before would make that a good place to start in terms of suggesting what he do to address his problem. And make it clear to him that unless he takes this seriously - there are going to be consequences.
Linda, any kind of abuse is just not okay or acceptable. What kind of effect do you think this is going to have on your kids one day? Yes, trying to do everything you can to save a marriage is important, but if only one person is really trying ... whilst the other continues to rage havoc, what does that leave you with?
So step number one is to get clear in your mind that at the very least your husband's verbal abuse has to stop. Because until you do that, you aren't going to be able to convey the message to him in strong enough terms that you won't under any circumstances take any more of it. And he needs to know that if its ever going to stop.
As for his alcoholism, if he doesn't think it's a problem, there isn't much you can do that will make him see differently. So it becomes a question of whether that's something you'll be prepared to live with if he can at least deal with his anger issues and abuse? But because the two usually go hand in hand, it's going to be difficult.
Get yourself a support network in place as well. The insanity of all of this means you've forgotten what 'normal' and 'healthy' looks like. Groups like Al-Anon (for family and loved one's of alcoholics) are a great place to start. Maybe even some counseling for yourself.
Because at the end of the day, you can't change your husband. But you can change yourself by making decisions that will help you create the life you want, and give you and your kids every chance of health, happiness and peace of mind.
Also try and get yourself Help Me! I'm In Love With An Addict: How To Survive A Relationship With An Alcoholic or Drug Addict. There is a lot of information in there that can help you make sense of all this, and that will give you direction as to how best to take your life forward. Good Luck and God Bless
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