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Black's Beer Instead of Coffee.

by madiline

I unlock his front door and enter a room that smells of stale beer and bad breath. His body laying on the couch, mouth wide open with a lighter still in his hand.

"Fuck" how attractive is this I say to myself? It is 8:00 in the morning and I'm sick to my stomach, my mind is wrangling with conflicting emotions. Sadness,disappointment,fear,confusion and anger.

He is the man that every women wants when it comes to having a meaningful relationship (that is when he is sober)- Beautiful, desirable, driven, thoughtful and career orientated. I stare at him waiting for what I already know is about to happen ...

I'm disgusted with myself - 'I need help, it's all good, I know I have a problem, why am I doing this, my life is good'... blah, blah ... same shit out of his mouth as he sits up and tries to contemplate why the hell he drinks.

He says he doesn't know why. He was sober for over 12 years. This is effecting me deeply. I myself have never had any issues with addiction, but I like to think I have an understanding since I grew up with an alcoholic parent.

I know it has nothing to do with me, but since he & I met he started to drink and I can't help but wonder. I'm pissed at him right now and I don't know where to go or who to turn to.

I refuse to enable him (or am I?)- I dump his beer, I've taken his car keys. That is the extent of it. I don't call his sponsor, his work, or family. I listen to his stories while he's drunk and listen to him while he's sober ... and of course he doesn't remember some of what he said anyway.

I'm so confused. I'm a grown women who has raised 3 children who are now in their early 20's - isn't this supposed to be my time? I don't want to leave because he truly is an amazing person and I love who he is when he's sober.

If there is anyone out there who has read my story, I would really appreciate some feedback. I'm stuck.

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Jun 05, 2012
You can't change him
by: C-P

You can't change your husband and the only reason he's ever going to change is because he wants to. So you're either going to accept him as he is, or think long and hard about what YOU really want, and whether he can give that to you assuming he keeps drinking.

So you need to get honest with yourself. No doubt he is a wonderful man when he's sober, but how often is that and how much time in your relationship are you really happy and content vs. frustrated, angry and disappointed as is currently the case?

You could give him an ultimatum and force him to choose - if he truly realizes he stands to lose you that may motivate him to taking his drinking problem more seriously. But there are no guarantees and you actually have to be prepared to walk away, because empty threats are meaningless.

You may want to look at getting yourself Help Me! I'm In Love With An Addict: How To Survive A Relationship With An Alcoholic Or Drug Addict. It goes into all the issues you're currently faced with and deals with how you can not only help him ... but yourself as well.

Are you sure you're not enabling or behaving co-dependently? We often think we're not, but until we step outside of ourselves and begin to look at things from another perspective, we don't realise that we actually are.

Yes this is hard, but the sooner you can see things for what they are and get clear on what it is you want and need ... the sooner you'll find the best course of action to take. Good luck and take care.

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