Black's Beer Instead of Coffee.

by madiline
(b.c)

I unlock his front door and enter a room that smells of stale beer and bad breath. His body laying on the couch, mouth wide open with a lighter still in his hand.

"Fuck" how attractive is this I say to myself? It is 8:00 in the morning and I'm sick to my stomach, my mind is wrangling with conflicting emotions. Sadness,disappointment,fear,confusion and anger.

He is the man that every women wants when it comes to having a meaningful relationship (that is when he is sober)- Beautiful, desirable, driven, thoughtful and career orientated. I stare at him waiting for what I already know is about to happen ...

I'm disgusted with myself - 'I need help, it's all good, I know I have a problem, why am I doing this, my life is good'... blah, blah ... same shit out of his mouth as he sits up and tries to contemplate why the hell he drinks.

He says he doesn't know why. He was sober for over 12 years. This is effecting me deeply. I myself have never had any issues with addiction, but I like to think I have an understanding since I grew up with an alcoholic parent.

I know it has nothing to do with me, but since he & I met he started to drink and I can't help but wonder. I'm pissed at him right now and I don't know where to go or who to turn to.

I refuse to enable him (or am I?)- I dump his beer, I've taken his car keys. That is the extent of it. I don't call his sponsor, his work, or family. I listen to his stories while he's drunk and listen to him while he's sober ... and of course he doesn't remember some of what he said anyway.

I'm so confused. I'm a grown women who has raised 3 children who are now in their early 20's - isn't this supposed to be my time? I don't want to leave because he truly is an amazing person and I love who he is when he's sober.

If there is anyone out there who has read my story, I would really appreciate some feedback. I'm stuck.