Am I Mad Or Is My Husband an Alcoholic and Drug Addict?

Hi, Where do I start ... I'm lost ! I got married a little over a year ago to such a beautiful man - a really beautiful person. We were together for 5 years and truly best friends.

After 8 months of marriage, where he had been looking forward to us having kids soon, out of nowhere he cheated on me then left me for this other woman saying our relationship was over - we had tried and it didn't work !

Rolling back a few years - I had always suspected a potential alcohol problem - the first argument about that was way back in the early days but he always denied it and I ended up thinking I was mad and clearly it was a fear somewhere deep in me as there is alcoholism in my extended family.

Admittedly I turned a blind eye as it didn't really affect us at all at that stage. We drank wine together at dinner, we went out as normal with friends. Once or twice I found empty bottles in his car but only beer and nothing too extreme.
However a few years ago we went out for dinner with another couple - friends of ours and while we are eating it was clear he was off his face on something.

I tried to just cover it up and pretend he was obviously just tired .... our friends did the same to be polite but it was very uncomfortable. I tried to talk to him about it but he just denied it all and said he was just tired and I should leave him alone. I figured I must be mad again - my intuition was so strong and yet I denied it to myself. I thought surely he wouldn't lie to me !

A few occasions over the last 2 years this has happened but to a lesser severity - I knew deep down something was wrong but if I asked it ended up in an argument - he said I was always at him and never believed him.

This time last year was another very bad episode - this time (again out for dinner) but with about 10 of our friends so they all saw what was going on. He left abruptly and drove the car home in that state. 2 of his friends approached me and asked if he was taking heroin, or was on antidepressants or something - I told them my concerns and said I knew about it but had been in denial because I didn't know how to handle it.

I tried to talk to him about it a few days later and he said he had been taking Endone painkillers for back ache - he had had back trouble 5 years before and had been given Endone then for pain. I suggested they didn't really agree with him and maybe we should look at other ways to alleviate pain if he was in it.

Roll forward a couple of months and we had to have some blood tests for an insurance policy - the answer was out ! He has quite badly damaged his liver and the doctor just commented that whatever he has been doing he needs to stop immediately ! It also came out at this stage that his doctor never prescribed those pain killers to him as they are so addictive. The doc asked if he was perhaps getting something off the street - this really scared me.

One month later - he had cheated one me, started getting totally out of control, asked me to leave, that he had developed very strong feelings for this other woman and we just weren't working.
That was 6 months ago ..... over the past 6 months he has been calling me crying, very sad and down looking at all of our wedding photos and lamenting the great life we had but when I try to discuss how we can move forward he totally closes up and is physically incapable of speaking about it or anything to me.

All I have gotten is silence ..... he won't tell me if this woman is still in his life or not, or if he wants to reconcile with me or even talk with a counsellor or not. I am mega frustrated.
I feel totally emotionally abused and am as close to the edge myself as ever in my life. He still hasn't really admitted to anything other than the alcohol but has admitted to that so I guess that's a step.

He is having counselling now thankfully but his attitude towards me is very odd. I have seen him maybe 3-4 times in the past 4 months.

I don't even know what my question is! My intuition tells me there is something much bigger going on here that I am in the dark about - but then I doubt myself again and again. Is it just that he met someone new, made a mistake with our marriage and I just cant get over it so am trying to find reasons ?

Any advice also on how I actually deal with someone who just gives me silence? Can we ever recover from this ? He has commented once or twice that by the time he is ready to come back to me he knows it will be too late! Just confusing and mixed messages everywhere which is destroying me. I am so lost. :-(