My Boyfriend of 5 years Has a Serious Drug Addiction (Even Resorting to Prostitution). Don't Know What Else To Do?

by AnonoMS.
(Lost,Confused,USA)

My boyfriend is 31 years old and has a very bad addiction to street drugs - it seems like the only time he is clear headed is when he is locked up for a while.

We have been together for 5 years and I can't believe after so many promises - rehab centres, arrests - we are still here. To briefly inform people who read this for the best advice possible - He is also HIV positive and has Hep C - and I found out 2 years ago he was even prostituting.

It's so embarrassing, when I found up we broke up, but eventually got back together - he said that he did he whole prostituting thing because he would need money for his high. Of course me like an idiot believed that it wouldn't happen again and that he just seriously has a bad problem.

Weeks later he turned himself into the police and did 8 months in jail (he had a warrant for his arrest). During this time I was working and saving up money cause I actually thought when he came out, being away from drugs he would be a changed person, especially the was he was speaking was so differently. It just felt like when he was incarcerated I was talking to the man I'm in love with not the junkie ...

So he came out and we moved in together but he relapsed and hit the streets again - here I am 1 yr later dealing with this crap. I'm hurt, mad, upset, disgusted, confused, and as I write this I begin to cry. I just want everything to be normal. Every time he goes into a program he ends up leaving a few days later, to then start with the same old crap.

He has no family and it's to the point that I believe he is prostituting for either money or drugs. I hate him so much but when I read letters or look at his pictures all of this negative doesn't exist to me in the time.

He's mentioned suicide, (he is also bipolar and schizo) and I don't even know what to think or say anymore! Sometimes I grow this hatred for him and tell him it's over and don't feel bad about it cause I know I deserve better and could get more out of life without a drug addict, but sometimes I feel so lost without his voice and face.

I guess my questions are - does he do it for me? Does he like the whole prostitution thing? Does he really want to change but just can't because of the craving and urges? Is there something else bothering him?

Please help!!!! I really don't know what to do ... I wish I could do some exorcism or something to see what happens. Or is it that I have a problem? I have a good job, a good family, a good home, why do I put up with this?

P.S. I'm also HIV positive now

Answer

Hi AnonoMS

Your story is really heartbreaking and shows the ravages of drug addiction at its absolute worst.

The thing is, you need to understand that your boyfriend's addiction is so strong and overpowering, he is powerless to control it. And because he's obviously using such highly physically addictive drugs - he can't function without them, and because his addiction is at such an advanced stage, he will go to any lengths to feed his habit, i.e. even prostituting himself.

It's not that he enjoys it or enjoys hurting you in the way he does, but drugs are his absolute number one. They totally rule his life - and he'll do anything to get them because his addiction is so strong and overpowering.

However, even though he is powerless to control his addiction, he can choose to do something about it, i.e. get proper help and treatment for his drug addiction - and then make sure he does everything he can to stay clean by working a proper addiction recovery program.

But it doesn't seem like he's ready yet to want do something about his addiction - because that's the key - he has to want to do it for himself before he'll ever turn his life around. It usually takes someone reaching their absolute rock bottom to get to that point, but you would have thought in your boyfriend's case - having been through prison, contracted HIV etc. that he would have done so. But it's different for each person, and unfortunately some addicts just never get there and their addiction ends up killing them.

The things you need to realise about your boyfriend's addiction are the three 'C's.' You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. What I think you do need to examine though is your tendency towards codependency in a relationship like this because to have put up with everything you have means you're obviously drawn to codependent relationships.

So my suggestion to you is to surround yourself with people who understand what you're going through and who can support you in dealing with this. Nar-Anon (google them) is for family and loved one's of addicts, and Codependents Anonymous (codependents.org) is a fellowship for people whose purpose is to develop healthy relationships.

I think you realise your whole situation could almost be described as insane - but that's the insanity of addiction and the ugly truth of how it can play out in real life. So please read what I've said carefully and follow my suggestions. Your life isn't going to get better simply hoping it will - you need to take some kind of action towards making it happen. Your boyfriend will do whatever he's going to do (remember you can't control that) - but you can control what you do. So I think it's time you start taking control of your life again, and hopefully in time your boyfriend will do the same.

God Bless and Take Care