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Katherine's Drug Addiction Story: How My Boyfriend's Addiction to Heroin Almost Destroyed Me

by Katherine

Most ‘straight’ people don’t fall in love with drug addicts or if they do, are wise enough not to pursue their passion.

It took me a year to reassess my life after he fled overseas, leaving me to live as he put it, “without his monkey on my back,” but it’s been the most nourishing one yet.

Two years ago I celebrated my 37th birthday by starting an underpaid job, which most people would probably see as punishment. But most people didn’t spend their 36th birthday in prison after a policeman had arrested my boyfriend and I after finding traces of Heroin in my car.

Bits of my once-adventurous soul reappear like excerpts from a forgotten movie, and the days when I’m not dogged by panic attacks I find joy in the simplest pleasures.

I was a goner the moment I met him. Philosophical, cool, with an enigmatic energy and eyes that penetrated my soul. The entry in my diary the day I decided to sub-let my house to him read: “Just the kind of guy who could break my heart.”

I dubbed him Fire Horse because of his Chinese and Western Astrological signs. Our meeting led to a lunch invitation, then to impromptu discussions about life and even a midnight trip to a festival. A musician of sorts, he said he was on his way to New York to make it big in music.

In those early, idealistic months, I thought his weekend chase of the dragon (heroin smoked on tin foil bought from merchants who delivered to our door) was merely recreational, until occasional hits to ‘enhance creativity’ turned into daily must-haves and money started disappearing fast.

Weeks turned into months, his productivity decreased as his senses dulled. So we moved to another City where he felt he could make more money. It was here that I realised the extent of his addiction. He literally couldn’t function without it and would lie writhing in pain when he had no fix.

When money didn’t come in and his absences grew longer, followed by self destructive rages, threats of suicide and night-long crack binges, my survival instincts kicked in and I dropped him at his parents place.

Toxic psychosis was where he was at; a puppet on a string, he was performing for the god of crack – which he took to counter the lethargic effect of heroin.

After a year apart, in which he spent time at a notorious rehab centre (known for their extreme methods), he resolved to stay clean and I agreed to move in with him on that condition. But this rehab had only increased his angst – he told me they’d beaten him up for challenging their belief in God – and it didn’t take him long to hit the H again,
which he had started injecting.

I had vowed I would never let him use my salary for drugs but I was weak. I pawned my computer to pay the rent and eventually lost my
job.

Six months down the line, my life was spinning out of control. I rationalised that his drug-taking wasn’t so bad if it could be moderated. I handled the finances. I even envied his ability to slip into euphoric states wile maintaining a sane façade.

We found an idyllic cottage with a peaceful air. But our seedy neighbourhood, protected by its cartel of drug lords, was far too close for comfort.

Our house became a stopover for all manner of junkies, from once-successful businessmen to gentle souls who hated their lives
but were powerless to the lure of heroin and crack. Fire Horse became Saviour of the Junkies. Perhaps his big, sensitive heart was his biggest downfall.

After being driven to shoplifting (to bail a fellow junkie out of jail), Fire Horse did another stint in rehab and tried to quit by using methadone, a medicinal heroin replacement. In vain. We were thrown out of our cottage when the landlady found a child playing with a syringe.

He found a rent-free squat next door to a bunch of junkies. I had stuck by him for so long, and convinced my family that we were getting somewhere, that there was no way I could admit defeat now.

Despite daily raging rows, I still believed that things could change and that I could not live without him. With the new accommodation
came the inhabitants and the endless quest for the next fix. There were constant arguments about who had stolen whose smack, as well as endless quest for veins, which start to disappear after a couple of years’ usage.

Needless for ankles, necks, groins, were stashed with ragged tourniquets fashioned from scarves, shoelaces, anything available, in ‘first aid’ boxes made from spectacle cases or tobacco pouches.

Grandiose criminal plots materialised into café raids of chocolate slabs – one intrepid junkie was bust with 50 in his trouser leg before being let off gently with six whips by an irate shop owner – because they were always too stoned to think further than the day’s requirements.

A vicious cycle of hands-to-vein subsistence interspersed with vague commitments to rehab before the drug killed them. One of the, an innocent-looking girl, joined an escort agency to pay for her habit.



I was living in a twilight zone, somewhere between wild nightmares of being tied down by addicts and paranoid reality – would they get bust, where would the next cent come from, would the drug lords to whom he owed money shoot him? How long could I live like this?

Eventually my car broke down and we pawned it. Fire Horse was forced to ask his parents for help, and went through rehab for the fourth time in two years. Staying with his parents, he was forced to be accountable, and I began to find my way again.

I got a good job and we rented a cottage on his parents’ premises, but the battle was only beginning. He hooked up with an old buddy of his, who had lost a successful business as well as his family through heroin addiction.

Though his drug use became more controlled and he was on the road most of the day, making legitimate money as an art dealer – he was down to $30 a day (a bag of Thai White and a rock of crack) instead of
$100 – it didn’t stop.

Three days before my 36th birthday, the walls came down. Accompanying him in the car to make sure his fix didn’t progress into a binge and that my new car stayed safe, I was also arrested.

The police would not believe I was innocent, despite being body searched and my plea to do a blood test. We spent a weekend in jail and were bailed out by our parents on my birthday. It was the turning point. An epiphany.

My life with Fire Horse flashed before my eyes. But still, I knew for him the main issue would be avoiding the pain of cold turkey and I spent the weekend trying to get out of the holding cell to make calls to get him heroin.

Lying on a thin piece of foam in the cell among petty thieves who told me ‘It’s all part of life’, I felt sick at the hypocrisy of it all. The real victims were his long suffering mother, his desperate dad, and my family and friends who were sick at the sight of what I had become.

And then there was my part in it all: lying to keep the peace, save my soul, protect his, hoping the lie would become the truth. When he got out, virtually unable to walk, he whispered ‘Je t’aime’ in lieu of a birthday wish. But the date signified the end of a chapter. The dream was over.

I’ve spoken to him a few times since he left. The third time, after no Christmas or New Year call, he phoned me from a London hospital with double pneumonia. He told me he’d nearly lost his life in the drug-wracked cold out there, and that he was going to rehab. He sounded old and sad, and wanted me to come to London.

Torn between my feelings and doing the responsible, necessary thing, I said I didn’t believe him and I knew he’d never be clean. For days after my body was wracked with pain, as if going cold turkey myself.

A year later, I still felt like half a person. Fire Horse was an all-consuming passion who filled a void. Perhaps I needed him to be my scapegoat for the demons I find difficult to deal with alone. Heroin kept him warm, and he kept me warm.

I refute any claims that heroin can be used constructively. Nearly all users become hoooked in six weeks of daily use. It starts out as a euphoric sensual adventure, but plays on vulnerabilities, deceives sensibilities and turns into the most destructive, manipulative mistress in the world. Anyone who shares a life with a heroin addict
will go down with them. I still have the scars.

It would be easy to say my world was shattered by a heroin addict. But instead he taught me how precious life is. Five years ago, I would have fought for freedom of choice and legalising heroin, for junkie rights and the jailing of fascist rehab owners.

Three years ago, I would’ve fought for a flight to London. Today I am fighting for me.



If you're in a relationship with a heroin or drug addict, Help Me! I'm in Love With an Addict is worth taking a look at.

It will help you understand how best to deal with your addicted partner/spouse, provide you with strategies on how best to help him/her, and tell you exactly what you need to do to get your own life back on track again.

If you're at your wits end with your relationship and need answers fast, then this is a book that can help you. Coping with drug addiction is one of the most difficult things imaginable to have to deal with in a relationship, so Help Me! I'm in Love With an Addict will help you navigate that journey and teach you how to come out the other side ... in one piece.




Comments for Katherine's Drug Addiction Story: How My Boyfriend's Addiction to Heroin Almost Destroyed Me

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Mar 16, 2013
Never spoke out before
by: C

I can honestly say this is the first time I seen anyone with stories the same as mine! Me and my bf together on and off 4 years, he's done lot of time in jail, been on heroin, lied, cheated, stole, disappeared - gouched out in his dinner. He moved away and I followed him 5 months later only to have found out now 5 months on he is using again as I found tinfoil. I am so tired of it though I haven't even confronted him, I just left him a note in the tinfoil and he hasn't mentioned it. He always uses my money, I'm 24 and he's 30, and I am trying to a degree at university at the same time as all this away from home (family don't know I'm with him, they don't like him at all). I feel I have wasted my twenties, it's time to make a stand now, I am telling him to tomorrow to stay away. It hurts because I love him to death but I am tired very tired.... I don't feel like me anymore, I'm lonely and I have no zest left I just constantly think of him, but that stops from now, I am not wasting my life! But I wish him all the best

Feb 19, 2013
drugs and my love
by: Anonymous

Im heartbroken...shattered....i kicked him out after 15months of thinking i can help him...save him...meth...heroine...god knows what all.
I found endless foils with residue...endless phone calls to nigerians....can I come see you with r200???? R500????

i must stay strong....hes gone for a bloodtest; and he said if its clean hes going to sue me for defimation of character....i have photos....i have smses?? i feel like the perpetrator....im broken ....i did detective work day after day...more lying day after day....
I must move on...he is in denial...i accused him false he said....
My soul has suffered so much...
Its all about choices....and he chose drugs before my love.

Dec 13, 2012
How is that relevant?
by: Anonymous

Can u please explain how your comment is relevant to this topic?

Nov 27, 2012
Your words ring true.
by: Kat

I have just come to the same realisation after struggling with my addict for 8 heartbreaking years. I'm still here for him but I refuse to sacrifice myself emotionally, financially and socially. I even refuse to live in the same house as him! My health suffered greatly as a result of all the bullshit & grief that trying to control an addict causes. It's now time for me to repair my life and finally be a little selfish. In the most polite way possible F**K him!

Nov 27, 2012
the partner of the addict is the untold story
by: M

The addicts partner always seems to be the side of the tradgey left in the dark. As a ninteen year old girl who loved, lived with, and left her heroin addicted boyfriend and best friend of three years, my advice is this: no matter what you choose to do, whether it be stick it out for as long as you can, leave, remain friends, whatever, do NOT stop living your own life. I have watched this person I love so dearly relapse and relapse, lie, steal, cheat on me with drugs, over and over again. For every excuse I made for him, every consequence I saved him from or softened the blow of his fall, I was being an enabler. For every time I behaved like a marytr, like an "angel to his bad cowboy", thinking, "poor me, why me, I try so hard and listen to him, help him, pay for shit for him, and he just treats me like shit," I became the CODEPENDENT (thank you naranon meetings). Online definition: A mechanism whereby a person takes responsibility for actions of others and helps one avoid facing problems directly in order to preserve stability in a family relationship. This is just the tip of the iceberg, my friends. Being codependent, we save EVERYONE BUT OURSELVES. How sick is that? If you want to help, stop enabling. Stop being a codependent. Stop sacrificing the person who will always be there for you; you. Start educating yourselves. I know it seems completely opposite of what most of us have trained ourselves to do with our addicts, but this is how we can help them. Fortunately, it is also how we regain our sanity. The addict can only change themselves. I always tell mine that I can't play this game.. it's his game to play. I can, however, be his cheerleader from the sidelines, a support system when he works his recovery. My hope for strength and peace of mind goes out to all of you.

Oct 22, 2012
Get rid
by: Anonymous

He is an addict through and through!! Blaming everyone else! If he is not using why is hecdemanding money? It's fucking disgraceful why feel sorry for the addict?they have a choice not an easy one admittedly but what about some seventy one year old taking a heart attack in fright??
I have been away from my addict boyfriend for eighteen months I was with him two years all the time he said he wasn't using then I found foil and that was it over!! He had already stolen little bits from me etc !! Guess what?? He still an addict and guess what he is being violent and abusive to his new gf cheated on her stolen her stuff thrown her about etc not to mention threatening her that I will go back to him!! I walk in the sunshine these days go to art galleries take nice trips all in peace , no threats to kill themselves no jealousy no crying depressing drama . Choose you fuck him

Oct 21, 2012
What have I gotten myself into help
by: Anonymous

I have been with my bf 18 months I have just moved in with him from interstate. I love him so much. He is on methadone two lots of antidepressants and is an alcoholic which I did not know. Today has been the last straw I don't know what to do? I have researched and it all says the same thing you can't help him change he will change if he wants to. That makes me feel sad today I caught him upstairs in his 71 year old mothers room yelling at her for money and going through her things I feel sick. Last weekend he threatened to use again and he has threatened to kill himself so many times that today when he did I just said ok. He has been gone two hours and I am glad for the piece, he has put smokes out on himself and held them there, he punches things(not me) doors and walls. He trashes an smashes things he threatens his mother and I feel sick because I love him. I don't know what to do. He searches his mums room for vallium it just goes on and on he hasn't used whilst on methadone but he is an alcoholic as well.

Sep 14, 2012
good and evil
by: Anonymous

I'm 39 I've been with a guy for 6 years love his parents like my own I never did drugs I work take care of myself I'm honest believe in morals and values I love this guy with all my heart he plays headgames with me he is a Meth addict needle use he cheats lies steals from me I hurt I've tried everything taking him to rehab taking him back and forth to work sitting out in cold for an hour while he did mandatory. Drug classes their so much but its never enough sometimes and I know what's right and wrong I have no family no friendssometimes he turns his family against me I feel alone I have no self esteem. Paycheck to paycheck he gets in to porm dirty calls stealing ppeoples underwear.

Apr 18, 2012
break up
by: Anonymous

Katherine. I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years about a month ago while he was going through withdrawls. I couldn't do it anymore, and realized if this is what I wanted to continue for the rest of my life than I was heading down tjr wrong road. It hit me when he said that he wanted to ween Himself off methadone with heroin. I told him I supported him but really couldn't deal with it and asked him to stay at his dads. He was there for four days and than told me he was going to kill himself. I couldn't believe he was freaking out about something so little and said come home and well figure something out. I went to school the next day and he begged me to come home. Ugh always interfering with whatever I had to do and would harass me at work even if it was just a lighter he couldn't find. But id bring him lunch to work, drive him to work if he was to sick to drive, let him deal drugs from my place. Long story short I feel like I have my life back. Even though I feel empty at times I feel much better. Thank you for your story.

Apr 10, 2012
Congratulations!
by: Kat

You are very fortunate that your partner is clean and you have stayed together. I had to leave my addict because he did'nt want to get clean and i'm heartbroken. Congratulations to you both!

Apr 09, 2012
...
by: Anonymous

I met my partner 18 months ago, he wasn't just a heroin addict of 7years, he was addictd to every drug going, methadone, crack, amphetamine, valium you name it he would take it... he was also injecting heroin aswell as amphetamine, not going into the FULL story but he's now been clean of all drugs for 12 months and clean of methadone for 4 months , it can be done but only if they want to!! Plus there not all liers that steal off you coz he never stole a penny off me ... but yes I dunno what attracts us to drug addicts in the first place I'm just glad I opened my eyes and was there for him and helped him through it all :D

Jan 06, 2012
bye bye bag head
by: Anonymous

hi i posted on the 23 june 2011 title lyin scum bag !!!! above ! yep any way things have just got worster im 6weeks away from having his daughter hmm he doesnt seem to care at all he shows no interst so iv showed him the door he is a constant lyer i cant put up with this crap 24'7 he steals n takes from me he is lucky i ent killed him yet ! cause thats how i feel sometimes he makes me so angry its all about drugs with him even tho he is on methadone he still as 2 av drugs n injects he finks its big n clever.. he as never said he will quit he says il b honest im always gonna take them blah blah fukin bullshit any way he can carry on waste his life cuz iv wasted 3years ov my life ['wat was i thinking really '' god onli knows. maybe one day he will realise what he had im a decent girl and not being big headed not bad looking ha n i know i can get another man a decent one at that because next time i fall in love il make sure befroe i get to close they dont take any kind ov drugs.. no waste men for me from now on ! so i suggest anyone whos living the hell i once did to get out before they drag u down more ! easy said than done i know i loved him to bits but theres onli so much one person can take he made me fall out of love with him so i hope he can live with that cuz im going too! he even stole my kids xmas money and iv had to put that money back before my kids noticed now the baby im soon 2 have is going without already because the money i payed back with was for her cot now iv got 2 try find that money because he sure wont help ..hope he rots ...

Jan 06, 2012
Let go
by: Anonymous

To all of you ladies--I met my guy when I was 18 and he was 20. I am now 38 and he is 40. Let me tell you it has been 21 years. Trust me-take it how you want. Keep having faith in these dudes if you want. But let me tell you.Once a junkie always a junkie. They will never change. I have paid for help-he has got help from jails.Rehabs. You name it.No matter what you say or do for them or with them. They won't change.Kids won't make them change. A death in their family-they won't change. I have even took him to go get it when he needed it -so afraid he would die from the withdrawal symptoms. I have tried everything and nothing beats that bitch named heroine. it will win no matter what. 21 years is too long of a fight. We have a 16 yr old girl that is very aware and can remember a time when her dad left her in a car to get it. She was 7 or 8. Our son is 2 I refuse to let him go thru or see what she went thru. Thats my fault.I hurt every day but I am use to it now. He stloe 200 dollars on new years day 2012. Its a wrap I am done. Ladies let go and let God. Only God can help there souls.

Dec 31, 2011
living with an addict
by: Anonymous

I too have seen my life deteriorate by being with an addict. When we met, he was open enough and told me he was in a drug programme and had been clean of heroin for over a year, tho he was prescribed diamorphine by his CDT and expected to be totally clean within a year. We got pregnant a few months later due to failed contraception, and decided to keep our baby after much soul searching, and my belief that he would soon be clean. Soon after the birth, however, I discovered he was using gear again, and gave him an ultimatum which I foolishly didn't stick to. I felt some responsibility as he said he'd started again when I had been considering aborting our baby. He was barely awake most of the day, so I gave up my job to take care of our baby. The following six years have seen my life fall apart. We have 3 lovely children now, and I would leave him right now if I could. I have no friends and family to turn to, and he controls every penny and I barely leave the house. I cannot even talk to him because he becomes aggressive and blames me for the whole situation. I will not allow my children to be around arguments, so everything for a unsaid and simmers inside. He even tries to justify the use of heroin, stating that alcohol is worse. I disagree, alcohol is just as bad, but at least its legal!!! I don't know how much longer I can cope with this, and there really does seem to be only one way out. My children are what keeps me going, and for now they are shielded from their father's addiction, but I dread the day they start making questions. Living with an addict has left me no self esteem whatsoever. I just wish I had left years ago when I had the chance.

Thank-you for this site, writing out my frustrations has lifted a little of the weight off.

Nov 10, 2011
Living the nightmare
by: Kat

I can relate to every story i have read here, i've been on that rollercoaster as well. I have been with my partner who's a heroin addict for 7 years, it was all downhill from the moment we moved in together. I'm totally drained & have decieded to give myself no choice, i need to get out. I know there's going to be grief but i hope that I can get back on my feet, which is better than living with the uncertainty of what's going to happen next. I've heard so many lies, lost money & even lost the opportunity to become a mother. It's physically & emotionally impossible to go on like this...

Oct 20, 2011
dont destroy yourself for someone else
by: Anonymous

To the story below,
all i can say to you is honestly you will be more hurt in the end trying to change someone into what you want them to be.I have spent three years with an addict, I have a good education and a nice home not the sort of person you would put with an addict.But my God how I have payed with my soul.The arguments, the attempts at normal life , the idea that it was all lies people were saying about him when I found out and that he was clean!!
He is a complet sociopath and is with another girl now whom he hurt me deeply with after i found used foil in my tumble dryer from his trouser pocket.I always said if i ever have hard evidence its over and I stuck to my word.But who is devastated and upset and cant sleep at night ???ME. Because I loved without chemicals and he was always in another relationship anyway with heroin , the girlfriend he will never truly break up with.Do I love him??YES ,do I ache for him??YES , It doesnt mean you dont love and want that person but you have to love yourself more , I dont believe any addicts ever really stay clean for long , he did a lot of it behind my back and I am truly devastated but you will never win with it and it just drags your life to hell, he is a good person and fun and good looking I tell myself.Why would he put that or other women before me I am attractive and he worships me so it doesnt make sense.But know this you will never get between the heroin and an addict even if u do its short lived and your life just dissapears before your eyes.U dont want to leave them but they are good actors but trust me no matter what they say or if they are clean for a while that selfish behaviour is ingrained in the soul once they become addicts and they will always go back even if they were with Angelina Jolie .Harsh hurtful words but it will be you that will be broken to pieces in the end not him.While your in pieces he still will have the heroin, while u are concentrating on his life losing your own friends he will have his drug friends and heroin.You are in a lose lose situation all because you fell in love honey .If u ever want to talk you can contact me angel1104@hotmail.co.uk Please dont let yourself become the victim of someone else choices u will never win and like me will have a lot of work putting yourself back together afterwards.You cant change him or make him into your ideal person because he never was that you found out later, i know how heartbreaking it is I am there coming out of the other side and its hard but really take heed of what i have said , i have had money stolen lies , let down many many time and any kind of normal life went out the window,but u crave the good times but its false hun xx

Oct 09, 2011
suffering in silence
by: sarah

Hi,

This is the first time I have been on one of these forums but I am at a point in my life I feel very alone. I have been with my partner for bearly three years who is a heroin addict. I didnt know at first it didnt come out until six months later because money had gone missing and his brother had sent me a message saying ask Adam what he is hiding from you??

Of course I was very confused,we had just moved into our own place I felt hurt and lied to but was so in love with him I couldnt let him go. It got worse and we were arguing all the time, things constantly going missing. I could never tell any of my family or friends because no one will understand. When I met him he was the first person I had met to ever love me for me, understand me and he was passionate, romantic, attentive, we laughed all the time like best mates.

He got clean in december 2010, and has recently got mixed back in it all again, the arguing has got worse, I feel like all I'm doing is going to work, cleaning and cooking and not getting anything in return, he spends all his wages on that shit and shouts and says all I do is nag him , that I make him the way he is. All I have ever done is love him....is that such a crime.

I feel so alone at the minute because I have no support from anywhere else, I want him to stop so we can live our lives and plan the future we have always wanted .... or am I a fool. Please can someone give me abit of guidance I feel like Im falling apart.

Jul 13, 2011
over 20 years of addiction...
by: Anonymous

He was my boyfriend & now my husband & the father of our beautiful son. An addict from the age of 14, brainwashed by the father that his mother never loved him & that was the reason she left. I met him while he was on the H but i didn't know at that time what it was & what it could do, of course he never told me either. I went out with him for a year & broke up with him when he was in jail. 4 years later, we meet up again when he was clean, we moved in together - he had a job then and was doing good. Everything changed in 2010 where he lost his job and i was pregnant. He was back to the shit! Rehab was not considered until very recently. We tried what i thought would work but nothing really worked and he knew his way around. He fooled me and everyone who cared for so long, telling that he would change and stop and clean up. But that never happened, until he went abroad for 7 months ONLY and found himself back to it in a matter of a month. All this time was not a honeymoon, it was hell having to live with an addict as the man that you love and as the man that your child is supposed to look up to, but how could this happen when it's an addict we are talking about? Alot of things have taken place, money went missing, electronic items were pawned, things were stolen and when times were worse even books were missing,,, that BAD! Yeah, times were never happy from the time we started living together and even when i was carrying our child in my stomach, things were getting worse. Anyways, YES i do love him but that is a question i ask myself all the time because there is fear that things will not change in the future... Women who are not addicts and are living with men they love who are addicts it's quite difficult... He is in a rehab now, he won't be out for a long time... It's going to be a hard challenge but am willing to take that and give him a last chance to make things right as they should've been, so fingers crossed!!! The good thing is that we both know the outcome if things do not work out, and if things do work out we still know what would happen... Drug addiction is a curse that stains us, destroys us and brings unhappiness, causes us great losses and grief... alot can be said about addiction... It is up to the individual to seek for help or not... I wish i could elaborate more, but the thought of putting all this online is painful thinking of all the times that i cried and begged, but i needed to share this as a first step to a better future... Thanks!!!

Jun 23, 2011
what to do
by: Anonymous

i'm with my boyfriend for over a year when i met him he was on methadone and still is, i new what i was getting in to ( i do not do drugs) well he still on methadone i'm finding out he is doing dope on top of that! recently he has been really distant doesn't care about anything ...i tell him he is pushing me away he tells me please do not leave him. i do care for him deeply i have done everything positive all day everyday i just want this monster to go away. any suggestions? i am tired of people telling me dump him ! it's not that easy..

Jun 19, 2011
lying scum bag
by: Anonymous

hi.yes i got with my bf when he was clean it wasnt untill we where together till i found out he was on methadone.a year after i find out he is havin a smoke now and again as he calls it..i hate bag heads they destore lifes.lie cheat n are selfish.every think worth anyfink as been pawned he works n had a tax return that all went on drugs nothing for the house me or his own son.n now i have found out he is injecting :(.i have just found out im 3months pregnant after they told me a month ago id misscarried i cant bare the thought of having his child any more i wish i had thought about this few months ago i just cant belive iv allowed this dirty lying twat in 2 my life i wish i got rid ov him when i first found out about the drugs.i have nothing to show he makes me sad all the time if he aint sleeping he is out takin drugs vile man if u can call him that. ? makes me sick the way he as changed is un belivable in a matter of months.life would be so easier if i was not pregnant with HIS child..i could wash my hands quite easiely of him i kicked him out then promises me he will stop few hours later he is at it again arrrrghhhhhh sorry goin on abit here

May 25, 2011
Devastated
by: Annabelle

As I write on my cell browser lying in bed. Im watching my once loving, selfless husband of 20 yrs nod in & out of conciousness. We met in HS. Didnt date until we were 20. I realized my hubby was an alcoholic soon after dating. I had a 2 yr old son & had NO tolerance for drunks/druggies. I left him, he quit cold turkey when we were expexting our son. However, 20 yrs later he's addicted to painkillers. Its bad. Im not really sure how long its been going on because he lies constantly. I know now for sure @ least 6 yrs. My hubby has jeckyll/hyde syndrome. When he uses he becomes abusive. Esp when first high passes. He has, hurt me physically, emotionally, & fiancially drained me. He has sexually assaulted me. He constantly steals from me. Has kept me away from friends & what little family I have. What makes this worse is 5yrs ago I was dx w/ a painful dibilitating disease. If I wasnt disabled this abuse would have NEVER happened. I was the strong one, good income, paid the bills, ran the household, kids, cleaned etc. His addiction attributed forclosure, car repossions, bad credit, bad checks closed bank accts. Even homelessness from one of our many rentals. Im so tired of being hungry. Just to blow his paycheck to get high. Not just high but out of his mind, hallucinating, toxic psychosis inebriated. He goes from Dr. to Dr. & different ER for painkillers. He went through 200 percocet in a few days. Not to mention something called OP he buys. Then when he's fiending he threatens to kill my cat or me if I dont give him money or tears the place apart looking for my medicine. He will take it & it all, let me suffer. Hes done the suboxone & abused it was discharged for that. Its affecting his job. More days on the couch in WD, or going to work wasted. My husband never missed work & was a model employee. All I hear is thats it, Im done w the narcs. That lasts 2 hrs. I talked w him about inpatient rehab when I catch him sober, he says yes. But nothing. Im glad my boys are grown. So they understand. I love my husband. But, he's not here anymore. Ive tried so many times to help him. But its affecting my health. Im no longer able to work have very little income on my own. I have no where to go. All those programs that claim to exist, dont. Ive tried & tried. Theyre about as useless as the police when I called to tell them my husband is having a drug induced psychotic episode, help him. If hes alert theres nothing we can do. But, you can leave your home ma'ame. I love & miss the man I married. But, after reading all the stories he's never comming back, is he?

Apr 25, 2011
A father's love for an addict
by: Anonymous

So, last Sunday night after 2 years of struggling to get my son independent he confessed to me that he is addicted to heroin. this is after his mother (we're divorced) and I paid or thought we paid for tuition, car, housing, phone, internet etc. Instead after the investment in time and money all we have is a heroin addict who is penniless, homeless, jobless, unemployable, no drivers license and no car. his mother and I are out about $20K each. Mercifully, he is in detox on his way to rehab.

I have had a mixture of emotions that ranged from fear, to greif to furious rage, and to shame. One of my good friends said that I need to "disconnect but not desert". That is the statement I'm holding onto now. I sold the car I provided him fro $300.00. It was a mess destroyed by the behavior of an addict. I advertised it as a parts car and am amazed that it sold. I'll use the money to reimburse myself for the tickets I have paid that he got. I won't pay anymore of them. As far as I am concerned all I can do is provide him with resources and help. I release myself from the consequences of his addiction. He owns them all. I have a life to live and now I plan to take care of me. If he wants to stick needles in his arm...have at it but leave me out of it.

Feb 21, 2011
I shared your path
by: Ella

Thank you for your story. I left my boyfriend six months ago he was a long term heroin user and manufacturer. I knew him for a year and in that time I tried to help him get off and have a better life. Instead he introduced me to the drug - luckily I didn't become hooked. I wasted a lot of money and blew the veins in my leg. Heroin is an ugly degrading drug - I thank God I am now free of him and the Heroin.


Dec 12, 2010
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you for posting this. My fiance has been dealing with this on and off since he was probably 13 he's 22 now. We have a young daughter. During my pregnancy and for a short while after he got clean, but once he started working he started back up behind my back for almost a year. Since I found out (After realizing his "pay" wasn't anywhere close to what it should have and I was left to beg my parents for money to help) he's been on and off pretending to be clean till i find out again. I love my daughter and other people in my life but he's my obsession/world and he's dragged me down so much my friends don't want to speak to me any more. I've kept it a secret from my family, but I think they know anyway. My lifes turned into a hell of sorts, but it's so so hard to let go. Your post has given me hope that my life doesn't have to be this way and there is light at the end of the tunnel if i'm strong enough. He swore to me tomorrow he'll get on suboxone, but we'll see. Either way you have helped me tremendously!
Thank you!

Dec 08, 2010
Guilt Trips
by: The Sober Half

Yes, it can happen; a totally put together normie can fall in love with an addict. I know because it has happened to me. I have two words... GUILT TRIPS. That's how they get you to stick around. An addict is his/her worst enemy. So to be in a relationship with one is self-destructive because they are self-destructive. When you have finally realized that they are addicted and you have finally had enough, they will ask you to give them a chance. "Don't you love me?" "Did these last month/years mean nothing to you?" "How can you say that you love someone and then leave them when they need you the most?" Or my personal favorite..."I'm an addict. We relapse and lie. That's what addicts do. You need to give me a chance to get better."
In the end, it comes down to emotional intelligence and being an informed normie. Once the Sober Half realizes that they are not capable of helping the addict heal themselves, they will leave with love in their hearts for the addict, hope and prayers for the addict and zero guilt on their minds. They will realize that they are not responsible for the addict's pain and suffering. They will realize that they deserve to be happy and that sticking around is just as sick as using drugs. Addicts abuse themselves and they abuse the people in their lives. They need to be alone until they get better. Too many normies have fallen into the trap of playing savior to someone who can only save themselves.

Nov 02, 2010
1 question, your view
by: Anonymous

Can drug addicts fall in love while they're using? I know an attractive 31 year old woman who's professing her undying love for a petty crack dealer. He wants marry her and she is constantly saying how in love she is with him.

This doesn't seem real. Can she actually be in love with this guy? Any of your comments or thoughts are appreciated.

Oct 08, 2010
please help
by: Anonymous

i need ur help please call me 443 977 2388 thank u steph

Aug 16, 2010
Love/hate relationship
by: Sarah

I am currently on bail, awaiting sentencing for ABH, as a result of my inability to cope with my husbands addiction (or rather 'lapses') He (as a result of my bail conditions to have no contact with him) went really downhill without me, and is now in prison, for drug-related crimes. In the end, he deliberately missed his probation appointments, knowing that the police would find him and make him serve the rest of his probation sentence in prison - which is what he wanted; away from everything that mantained his addiction. I love my husband - but hate his addiction. He is a wonderful man in his periods of 'cleanliness' - but, i had to play the 'leave, clean up or let me go' card, for both of our sanity's. Addiction is indiscriminate - it doesn't just pick 'nasty waster' types. I have friends that are on both sides of the fence about my relationship. But, i AM surprised that the friends that support me, are the friends who have more reason to tell me to walk - they have had their own negative experiences with loved one's and Heroin. Yes, sometimes you have to walk away, if the addict is only willing to live for his/her addiction. But whilst my husband keeps on trying, i will be his rock. He's not giving up, and neither am i!
It's always a personal choice - and mine is for better or worse, like i promised in my wedding vows. I'd hate for someone to give up on me.

Aug 16, 2010
What we should've been
by: Hillz

My name is Tyler I'll be 18 next month.
I've been into drugs ever since the first time I tried the gateway drug when i was 12.
After being a pothead for years I stepped it up to pills which got to expensive I went to Herione. I've been clean now for more then three months. I only read this story because the love of my life whom I havent seen in three months told me to by leaving a link to it in a message on Facebook as I was in Detox for five days going cold turkey. I'm ok now but I'll never stop hating myself for loosing the one good thing I had in this little world. The most amazing person I'll ever meet. Four years were not waisted. I now have my GED and live an hour away from her even though she wants nothing to do with me. I'm maning up and facing what I've done and never ment to.


Jul 29, 2010
Very similar experience
by: Wynford7

18 months ago I had a great job and a really cushy, laid-back easy-going life. I had started an affair with a lady I'd met at the allotment of all places! How respectably innocous! Lets call her Sue as well. We eventually got it together and it became apparent that she was a user. She had all sorts of tragic stories about why and I tried to help her manage her habit until we could get her onto Subitex. In the end she did but by then I was too strung out, bitter, angry with the kind of hair-trigger temper I had when I was 19 (I am 47 now). In the end she had to do cold turkey whilst on a family holiday and came back in time to get her subitex prescription a few days later. I made excuses not to see herr, I knew she would want one last blast beofre "going straight", she got angry and said we were over and asked for a friends phone number in the same text!! I took the chance and bailed out, I just hope she doesn't put him through the same hell, he's a nice young lad. I would be very surprised if she stays off it even fellow junkies comment on the ferocity of her habit! She has a 2 year old boy who was nearly taken away so I got to hear aboput the world of social services and child care. Her parents are sick with worry after 15 years of it on and off. She overdosed twice when IO was with her. I dont hold much hope for the future. Anyway, I am slowly getting back into work. The chaotic nature of our time together made me lose concentration at work (my job was very intense). I quit before my performance fell off and was given the push. I am lucky I have a house with no mortgage and funds to fund the time to sort myself out. I saw her in town the other day, I quickly crossed the road before she saw me, the woman of my dreams but 3 years ago. Be careful what you wish for, you might get it!

May 23, 2010
addiction is hell
by: Anonymous

HI
Katherine you did the right thing but I understand how hard it was for you.I have been madly in love with a heroin addict for four years.I met him when I worked with the homeless in a nightshelter.He stood out from everyone else,good looking ,witty and very intelligent.We have never had a physical relationship as he does not want to drag me down .I have helped him out by putting him up and writing to him the many times he has been to prison.I often tell myself that's enough but I just can't seem to cut him out of my life.Instead I worry about him and can't move on and meet anyone else.I long for to phone me and tell me ok and staying clean but he just can't seem to fight his way out of it.He just can't cope with life and he has been an addict for nearly 13 years.He lies and sometimes I just don't know what's true and what's not but he is a really good person.He has never stolen anything from me which I suppose is a bonus. Heroin addiction is horrible for everyone but mainly for the addicts but you did the right thing for yourself.Maybe I will be as brave as you one day hopefully xxx

May 23, 2010
addiction is hell
by: Anonymous

HI
Katherine you did the right thing but I understand how hard it was for you.I have been madly in love with a heroin addict for four years.I met him when I worked with the homeless in a nightshelter.He stood out from everyone else,good looking ,witty and very intelligent.We have never had a physical relationship as he does not want to drag me down .I have helped him out by putting him up and writing to him the many times he has been to prison.I often tell myself that's enough but I just can't seem to cut him out of my life.Instead I worry about him and can't move on and meet anyone else.I long for to phone me and tell me ok and staying clean but he just can't seem to fight his way out of it.He just can't cope with life and he has been an addict for nearly 13 years.He lies and sometimes I just don't know what's true and what's not but he is a really good person.He has never stolen anything from me which I suppose is a bonus. Heroin addiction is horrible for everyone but mainly for the addicts but you did the right thing for yourself.Maybe I will be as brave as you one day hopefully xxx

May 16, 2010
Thanks for the Message
by: Anonymous

Amazing story.

I found out that my partner of less than a year has been taking heroin for five months. I am six months pregnant with his child, and am devastated.
However, as soon as I found out, I packed his bags and have ejected him from my life.

I knew that he was a recovering addict when we got together and had been friends with him for a long time before that. He is an amazing person when he is not on drugs, but in less than a few months he has become an unbearable, disgusting individual. I could go into hours of examples, but think all our horror stories are just variations of the same, so I guess this is unnecessary.

I am devastated for our child, who I know will be the light in this sorry mess, but there is no other alternative but to cut him out of our lives. Every time he stole money, he was really only depriving our unborn child.

He has in some ways, made me an addict of me, draining me so emotionally and financially that I had nothing else to give.

However, out of all this mess, I am fortunate, as every minute wasted on a junkie is time stolen from my life as well as my baby. It just isn't worth the sacrifice.

May 15, 2010
oh for gods sake
by: maxine dixon

Those awful evil heroin addicts, destroying people's lives, maybe you were a negative force in their lives also did you ever consider that?
Addiction is not easy to live with believe me, i do it at present, but the thing about living with an addict is its soooo easy for THEIR problem to become a scapegoat for everyone elses or their partner's problems too. Also, true fact, addicts often don't choose the best peeople for them to be close to, or the people who are really going to a positive force, for e.g. people who go round slagging them off behind their back on an internet website clearly are not a great help.

All sorts of people become addicts, just the same as all sorts of people work in shops. some are good, some nice, some not so nice. Without a doubt addiction results in confusing, difficult behaviour, but many addicts are in fact highly vulnerable people, in fact extrememly vulnerable to people going round being self righteous and judgemental. Many want a route back into normal living but are struggling to find it and the people which will help show them. It's hard enough without poeple going round saying they are responsible for all their misery and their glad to be shot of them. You were probably making them miserable too, but because addicts are often passive instead of tellng you to fuck off they just took a load of drugs instead.

It really seem society needs a scapegoat and drug addicts are a really easy target....

Feb 23, 2010
why wont he stop i have?
by: Anonymous

i know how your life was katherine as i am living it now,i have been with my boyfreind for 6 years i didnt know at the start he used heroin it started a couple of months after being with him,but by then i had fell madly in love with him,he used to steal from me and my children so id kick him out but something used to always pull me back,before this i was so strong and full of life.then after years of him in and out of prison he prosmised he would get clean,i lost all my family everyone i didnt know what to do i had no one for standing by the man i loved,this i couldnt deal with and some how i i was weak i started using smoking at frist then injecting,how could i i know "selfish cow"now i was tring to hold my family together and feed both of our habbits it was the hardest thing i have every done in my life,i still looked after my children but i was not there if u understand i hated myself.i had to shopleft look after the children,do every day life tring do keep things as"normal"as i could,it became to much for me and i told him we need to get clean,so i got on meth it was hard at frist but i just think of my children i slowly stoped using and started to get my life back but he didnt he carryed on he would lie an sneak around and this just makes it harder for me so id now an dthen have some with him,but now i havent used for four weeks but hes stealing from me again the lies still keep coming will he ever stop?how much longer can i do this?i just dont know what to do i know in my heart that he wont ever stop i just live in hope!i love him and i know he loves me but i carnt make him be what i want him to be im so scared,

Jan 16, 2010
feel u didnt cover all the facts
by: Anonymous

i feel you didnt cover all the facts there is alot more to heroin than you have mentioned especially when children are involved i have been living with a heroin addict for the last nine years trying to make things work and keep my family together its a day to day battle not just for the addict its me and my kids who are suffering more.

Apr 19, 2009
My girlfriend was addicted to heroin
by: Steve

I know what it's like having someone you love addicted to drugs. I was crazy about her, but life was a living hell. Initially her unpredictability and crazy behavior was what attracted me to her, but soon our relationship turned into a nightmare. The lying, cheating, stealing. I stuck around for 2 years though, but eventually I couldn't anymore. Last I heard she was still using and even though I still love her, I could never go back.

Apr 05, 2009
Another Great Story - Wow
by: C-P

I'm glad you've finally got your life back Katherine - and realised how destructive and terrible addiction truly is.

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