Crackhead 'Boyfriend' Destroyed Our Relationship and Will Blame It On Me
I am sober many years and fell in love with a man who had been a chronic relapser. He was doing very well for a while, was born again and appeared to have a very strong faith which I respected and admired.
As a result of stopping short on his stepwork after step 5 and not being rigorously honest with his sponsor (in my perhaps arrogant opinion) - he relapsed on crack. Since it is a long distance relationship I was completely unaware until he disclosed using 'twice' and FIVE MONTHS had passed since he picked up.
I felt so betrayed that he had lied by omission even though we had spent time together, slept together etc. In June I was in his area on business (which he had known about and invited me to stay with him). I assumed he had been sober however, a few days before I arrived he 'disappeared' on a run and needless to say it was very emotional and painful and I did see him before I left to come home (after he had recovered from his run and was not using).
Thereafter he would send me messages how he was going to meetings, etc. Two weeks later I was back up there for business and the same thing happened. This time I did not see him. I started to have horrible insomnia worrying about him. It was pretty easy to know when he was on his runs because he would stop communication.
I tried all summer to be compassionate, pray, not ask questions, not be accusatory, detach, etc. But I would have many sleepless nights not able to stop my own 'alcoholic mind' from imagining him involved in sexual acts in crackhouses because from the research I did I know that often goes on. Sex for drugs or men having hyper sexuality etc.
Just when I had pretty much let go and started sleeping he started calling again inviting me to see him. I was considering going this past weekend but the hurricane was forecast and I asked him to come and see me which he could have done by train two or three days before the storm was forecast to hit.
He said he was tired busy etc. yet kept in very close touch through calls and texts and them BOOM - Saturday day I couldn't get a hold of him, recalculated the last text I got he was at an 8 pm meeting and was going to call later ... no call ... wasn't answering Saturday all day.
Finally I lost it. I left him at least 7 messages raging how selfish he was and how I know he's been sleeping with crackwhores all summer and he has lied to me etc. I let him have it which I am sure he will turn around on me and call me abusive but I was so hurt and angry and scared I just lost all control.
I also told him NOT to contact me. I got a text this morning but I didn't read it - I just deleted it because I was afraid he was going to accuse me of being crazy and unsupportive
He is a master at playing the victim and even after numerous calls and texts yesterday he wrote he was sick and might have to go the hospital. Not under any influence this man would pick up the phone early in the morning and tell me this. I knew he was sick from the crack run and was lying again.
The insanity of all of this is I feel horrible that I lost my composure and that I am responsible for the relationship never having a chance because I was 'abusive'. I truly have hatred for him right now.
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