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Am I Mad Or Is My Husband an Alcoholic and Drug Addict?

Hi, Where do I start ... I'm lost ! I got married a little over a year ago to such a beautiful man - a really beautiful person. We were together for 5 years and truly best friends.


After 8 months of marriage, where he had been looking forward to us having kids soon, out of nowhere he cheated on me then left me for this other woman saying our relationship was over - we had tried and it didn't work !

Rolling back a few years - I had always suspected a potential alcohol problem - the first argument about that was way back in the early days but he always denied it and I ended up thinking I was mad and clearly it was a fear somewhere deep in me as there is alcoholism in my extended family.

Admittedly I turned a blind eye as it didn't really affect us at all at that stage. We drank wine together at dinner, we went out as normal with friends. Once or twice I found empty bottles in his car but only beer and nothing too extreme.
However a few years ago we went out for dinner with another couple - friends of ours and while we are eating it was clear he was off his face on something.

I tried to just cover it up and pretend he was obviously just tired .... our friends did the same to be polite but it was very uncomfortable. I tried to talk to him about it but he just denied it all and said he was just tired and I should leave him alone. I figured I must be mad again - my intuition was so strong and yet I denied it to myself. I thought surely he wouldn't lie to me !

A few occasions over the last 2 years this has happened but to a lesser severity - I knew deep down something was wrong but if I asked it ended up in an argument - he said I was always at him and never believed him.

This time last year was another very bad episode - this time (again out for dinner) but with about 10 of our friends so they all saw what was going on. He left abruptly and drove the car home in that state. 2 of his friends approached me and asked if he was taking heroin, or was on antidepressants or something - I told them my concerns and said I knew about it but had been in denial because I didn't know how to handle it.

I tried to talk to him about it a few days later and he said he had been taking Endone painkillers for back ache - he had had back trouble 5 years before and had been given Endone then for pain. I suggested they didn't really agree with him and maybe we should look at other ways to alleviate pain if he was in it.

Roll forward a couple of months and we had to have some blood tests for an insurance policy - the answer was out ! He has quite badly damaged his liver and the doctor just commented that whatever he has been doing he needs to stop immediately ! It also came out at this stage that his doctor never prescribed those pain killers to him as they are so addictive. The doc asked if he was perhaps getting something off the street - this really scared me.

One month later - he had cheated one me, started getting totally out of control, asked me to leave, that he had developed very strong feelings for this other woman and we just weren't working.
That was 6 months ago ..... over the past 6 months he has been calling me crying, very sad and down looking at all of our wedding photos and lamenting the great life we had but when I try to discuss how we can move forward he totally closes up and is physically incapable of speaking about it or anything to me.

All I have gotten is silence ..... he won't tell me if this woman is still in his life or not, or if he wants to reconcile with me or even talk with a counsellor or not. I am mega frustrated.
I feel totally emotionally abused and am as close to the edge myself as ever in my life. He still hasn't really admitted to anything other than the alcohol but has admitted to that so I guess that's a step.

He is having counselling now thankfully but his attitude towards me is very odd. I have seen him maybe 3-4 times in the past 4 months.

I don't even know what my question is! My intuition tells me there is something much bigger going on here that I am in the dark about - but then I doubt myself again and again. Is it just that he met someone new, made a mistake with our marriage and I just cant get over it so am trying to find reasons ?

Any advice also on how I actually deal with someone who just gives me silence? Can we ever recover from this ? He has commented once or twice that by the time he is ready to come back to me he knows it will be too late! Just confusing and mixed messages everywhere which is destroying me. I am so lost. :-(

Comments for Am I Mad Or Is My Husband an Alcoholic and Drug Addict?

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Feb 01, 2012
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Wake up!
by: Margaret

Why are u questioning this? It is quite obvious that he is doing something harmful, I doubt your friend asked if he was on heroin! Anyway, take care of yourself why do u want someone who does not want you?

Dec 12, 2011
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Reality bites
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your response.
As I'm sure many in my situation have probably done on reading such a response - I immediately went back and tetras what I wrote several times over - again questioning myself ! Did I exaggerate and unwittingly make my husband sound like an alcoholic or drug user. Have I written it in such a way that I have forced an answer that says no you are not mad .... It's not you it's him.
On reflection ..... Unfortunately I just said it like it is /was ! I still love this man so I don't want to believe it - because I know I have to walk away.
I feel in breaking up with me and taking up with someone else he is in fact blaming me ! He has said before I make him
Angry, I make him drink ..... ! When he broke up with me he said he didn't want to live his life this way. But then keeps saying he doesn't blame me - his actions override what he says.
He sees me as the reason for his problems - that somehow our relationship was to blame - in his own words 'the combination of us together doesn't work'.
So why marry me ? He replied - because I'm not a quitter ! Yeah right ..... 8 months of marriage and it's all of a sudden too hard.
You won't be surprised to hear he left his lat relationship in exactly the same way - 10 year relationship - he walked out and didn't talk to her for months on end. Then went back and within 6 months - game over. Again no talking - then he met me !
The pattern is now set - and I'm the mug that's gotten caught up in it !
I have to just get over it and move on. I have to accept that he will never speak to me. He will just find the next mug where he can hide for another few years before she gets wise to it. Then he'll find some fault in her as well !

Thanks again for your help and for highlighting the insanity I am allowing to go on in my life.

Dec 12, 2011
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Honesty
by: C-P

Thanks for sharing your story. You can't move forward from this until your husband is able to get TOTALLY honest with himself and you about exactly what's been going on with him.

And unfortunately that's often the reality when dealings with alcoholics and drugs addicts - that they never fully admit to what they've been doing, play mind games with you so that you start to doubt yourself, manipulate you into thinking that somehow the problem lies elsewhere (or even with you) ... and so you get caught up in the insanity that accompanies a life of addiction.

So to answer your question - you're not mad! Not at all. But unfortunately all your husband's games and inability to take responsibility or be honest about anything means that's what you think. He's got the addiction (there is no doubt about that), yet you're the one that you think is mad. Can you see the insanity in all of that? And what you're going through is not unusual for spouses of those in active addiction to drugs or alcohol.

Read this story of a lovely woman who believed her soulmate to be an alcoholic, especially the comments we exchanged. Sometimes reading what others have gone through helps you make sense of your own life.

Your husband clearly isn't ready to do anything about his addictions, so you should be looking to focus on your own life again - your well-being and happiness. You can't change him. He has to want to change himself. And you can't put your life on hold waiting for that to happen. So as hard as it is, you should be looking to move on and get your life on track. You deserve better than how he's treated you. Take Care

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