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After All the Abuse, I Cannot Get Him Out My Head. My Love For An Abusive Crackhead

When I was 18, I met a guy who I instantly fell in love with. I moved 15 hours away to be live with him and I felt like I had met my soulmate. I could accept his flaws and he treated me like gold, but something was amiss. I knew he messed with some drugs to "party" but I had no idea the extent of his addictions.

A friend of his told me he used to smoke crack. I didn't believe it but asked my boyfriend about it and his reaction was so strange. He freaked out at his friend, made her call me and tell me it was all a lie and forbid me to talk to her. He swore it was not true.

Several months later I went out of town for 3 weeks and when I returned he had changed. He had boarded up windows, the house was filthy, he hadn't been going to work. Some neighbors said he was playing "crackhead games" - I had never known a crackhead and he comes from a good family. I was in denial.

He was wickedly mean to me, cruel and abusive both mentally and physically. He would steal my bank card when I slept and draw money to buy drugs, then scream and threaten me when I confronted him.

Finally he admitted he had been smoking crack with the neighbors. We had been together about a year, I assumed our relationship was over. I couldn't fathom sleeping in the same bed as a crackhead, having sex with him ever again or even kissing him on the mouth where a crack pipe had gone.

He refused to let me leave. He threatened to kill me, he would hit me to show me he was serious. I felt my spirit slowly dying. He claimed to quit and was only taking prescription pills and doing cocaine, for some reason, after crack these didn't seem so bad - what was I thinking?? Random men would show up at the door collecting debt he owed and this scared me.

We lived in a dangerous area and he was earning a bad rep. I began to believe that he had quit smoking crack but the abuse continued. Suddenly he felt like it was ok to hit me, bust my lip, whatever, if I protested to him buying drugs. He would ask me to hold his money and make me promise not to give it to him to buy drugs, however when his fists flew, I would give it up.

His parents told me he was bi-polar and had been addicted to various drugs since he was 16. He would binge on a few drugs for a few months and then switch it up. I absolutely hated him. I could leave undercover but I was so brainwashed I believed he really did need me and when he would threaten suicide and shoot a round into the wall, I believed he was serious and I had no choice. Being prisoner to him made me hate him more and I began to hate myself for being with him.

I had no friends and saw my family once a year because I was too afraid to leave him alone. Around the second year of our relationship my dad became ill with cancer and I decided to move to be with him. I didn't know what would happen with my boyfriend, I thought the relationship would fizzle out but it didn't. Away from him I realized how co-dependant I had become on him. Emotionally and financially.

After a 5 month break I went back to him. We moved out into the country and away from all the dealers - or so I thought. Our relationship was going well at first but when the drugs came back so did the roller-coaster.



He began to disappear for hours and I knew he wasn't with another girl because when he came back he would be bug-eyed and speechless, jittery and nervous. I went to his truck and looked in his stash spot and found what I had hoped I wouldn't ... a crack pipe. It was his third relapse in 2 years. I screamed and cried and threatened but despite what he said he didn't stop.

He claimed that crack made him "feel like God" - I can't understand how something so demonic like crack can disguise itself as God. I truly loved this man after all of this and I wanted so much to help him and make him the guy he used to be. I couldn't. I had failed so many times.

He continued to abuse me and drugs, waste thousands of dollars in a few days of binging and destroy himself. I told him I was leaving if he didn't quit. He never quit. Up until the day before I moved he was still using crack, xanax, hydrocodone, methadone, crystal meth, everything!!

I moved several states away and at first we spoke daily but he was constantly high. It hurt more to not be there. I was so scared for him. I had become his caretaker and now he had no one. After the first few weeks of him crying and begging me to come back, its like he just quit caring about me. He wouldn't stay on the phone for more then a minute, it was like he didn't want me in his life anymore.

What hurt most was that he WAS my whole life. I had abandoned my friends, family, hobbies etc. to fuss over him and now I don't even know how to take care of myself. It has been almost 3 months since I left and I still well up with tears when I think about him. I know I am safer and better off without him but I feel like I invested so much into nothing. Why doesn't he care?? Why doesn't he hurt??

We lived together for almost 4 years and he feels nothing. When we were together he was always the one who "cared more" he clung on to me, told me how beautiful I was, how much he loved me etc. I was detached although I truly cared. I am so confused why things changed so much. Can drugs really take that kind of pain away. I have lost my boyfriend and my best friend and I'm beginning to think I meant nothing to him all along.

I cannot date other guys because I cannot stand them being nice to me, I find it fake and repulsive. We only talk every few days now and if I bring up our relationship or anything he gets mad and hangs up. I need to move on for myself. I feel like his drug problem has damaged me more than him.

After 3 and a half years of having a selfish addiction that destroyed my spirit, this man cannot even help me find some closure. I stuck it out until I felt like my life was physically in danger, now I have a broken heart, where did I go wrong?


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Comments for After All the Abuse, I Cannot Get Him Out My Head. My Love For An Abusive Crackhead

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Oct 05, 2011
I finally got out.
by: Anonymous

I have been staying awake late at night reading these posts. It's like reading my own writing. I fell in love with a guy who had a past history with cocaine, the powder. When I met him he was straight and within three months he was using again. By that time, I had fallen madly in love with him. He had a nice home, nice cars, nice things, and he also had a good job with the family business. I thought to myself, he must be okay because no drug addict could have a good job and nice home, nice cars. He went to work, a hard worker. He relapsed after three months into our relationship, and he continued off and on for about a year after that. I thought I could get him to stop. He never did. I also lost my mother about the same time of his first relapse with me and I just couldn't walk away because I was emotional about losing my mom, eguess I was not thinking clearly. I inherited a large sum of money an then opened up a business with him. I dont know what i was thinking, but we ended up losing the business. We married right about the time I inherited the money, What was I thinking, so stupid, so desperate, so much in love, I married a cocaine addict. Long story short, that was four years ago today that we got we married and I am living with my brother in another state, because I had to get away, far away from him. I have lost my home, my business, my car, also my health, because I ended up with breast cancer too, although I am in remission now. I have had a terrible four years and I should have known better. I will never go back but why did I stay so long, should have gotten out sooner when I had the money and means to do so before hs smoked it all up in his crack pipe.

Jun 26, 2011
cocaine,crack addict boyfriend
by: ladyenglish

I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 months.. the first 4 months we went out all the time romantic evenings.. dancing.. dinner you name it we did it.. he wooed me whisked me off my feet such a gentle man so helpful and loving.. not to mention we went to his families church every Sunday.. he was calling me about 4 times a day in the morning at lunch when he got off work and in evening.. then .. BAM.. one day I did not here from him two days three days.. I was a mess I was worried I went to his parents home and told his mom that I was worried and that's when she told me.. didn't he tell you about his past.. I said he told me he had done a little cocaine in the past and weed.. and that's when she told me he is a recovering cocaine addict.. I was in shock... later that day he called me and I went to see him.. he told me he had relapsed.. and he he thought if he did it one more time who could stop with no problem.. now 3 months later when he gets his check he goes and gets high.. he just asked me thus morning to keep his bank card for him since he gets direct deposit.. and I should go with him when he needs to buy anything his necessities.. I told him he also needs to get rid of so called friends who also get high.. and he needs to attend meetings again.. it seem, s like I think about him constantly, and I cannot understand why my feelings r so strong for him...

Jun 13, 2011
thank god you got out
by: Anonymous

Hi thank God you got out of the situation..Many don't get out...I knew a young lady that was in an abusive situation to a crack head she tried to leave but didn't make it out...She lost her life to a man that brutualy murdered her..What time he got in prison is nothing for the crime he committed....Trust me there are men out there that aren't alcoholics that aren't dope head and they know how to treat a lady...Hold your head high and be proud of yourself for not staying...Thank God daily that you got out alive...

May 29, 2011
I totally understand- abused wife
by: Anonymous

I just finished reading your story and totally can understand. Was married to a crack cocaine user for 9 1/2 years and then tried again for 2 1/2 years. His sister told me before we were married that he was on drugs BUT I thought be would love me so much because I would be so good to him, he would stop. Not only did he not quit but he almost killed me with his car leaving and me begging him not to - and time and time again leaving for days doing drugs. The last episode we had I wanted to kill him and he just about killed me by putting both of his hands on my throat and almost killing me. I called the police, they arrested him, and now he is in drug rehab. I was determined this was the last I ever wanted to see or hear from him BUT his sister calls me to say she knows he loves me and then there I go again - we are in touch once a week and now he thinks he is coming home after 6 months of rehab - I know I need to let him go but like you said they make you feel responsible for their life - I feel like I need mental help myself - I let my first husband go with no problem - never looked back - so why can't I let this man go??? Stuck!! Why do I continue to care?

May 09, 2011
abusive crackhead
by: JoJo

Oh, my dear, the stories are all the same. Lies, manipulation, abuse--you described it yourself as a roller-coaster. I, too, was involved with such a man.They are usually quite charming in the beginning and know all the right things to say to make you fall in love. They are attentive and all about YOU until they get their claws in you.
My ex was using crack long before I knew it. He was hurt on the job and was taking pain pills, so it was easier for him to hide his many addictions. I had never been with a man who smoked crack and did cocaine, so I didn't know how to deal with it. I was clueless. I loved him so much I thought I could help him change. They think differently than we do. They're not normal.
I always wondered "WHY" couldn't he stop? He said he loved me more and wanted to stop, but he wouldn't stop. This is the part I couldn't wrap my brain around. I would not lose the love of my life over a stupid high...but they don't think like we do. They want it all. They need and use people to keep their addiction fed.
Well, as time went on, we broke up, he was in and out of jail for stealing, as he couldn't hold a job, until he finally went to prison for almost two years. I hadn't seen or talked with him in almost three years so I started corresponding with him while he was in prison. All those hopes and dreams came flooding back. Said he was done with it, not gonna waste anymore of his life, tired of going to jail, now prison.I thought surely prison would be enough to make a crackhead change their ways, right? Wrong!
I agreed to pick him up from jail and see him again and see how things might be between us. He had it set up to go to a re-entry program and do the right things. We spent a couple of days together. It was bittersweet. He was not high and it was fun just to be NORMAL.
I had moved out of state, but I came back to be with him and take him to the program he chose. I help get him settled in, said my good-bye, wished him luck. We were going to continue to talk. I found out by the end of that week, he had left the program probably the second day. Within a week the verbal abuse, suspicions, accusations, denials, lies came roaring back stronger than ever. I was glad I was several states away. It's over now and he is doing what he knows best -- SMOKING CRACK!
You must get over this toxic relationship. I learned the hard way, very few will change. Crack is highly addictive. My ex was also an IV drug user, so my health could be in danger if I continued to stay with him. It's sad but you must choose Yourself now. You will slowly get better. He probably will not. You deserve better. As for me, I'm not ready for love either. I'm still healing and a piece of my heart will always belong to him. I know it's strange to say that, but anyone who has been through this understands what I mean.

Apr 14, 2011
crack heads
by: Anonymous

This crackhead seems to be a real issue.In my opinion you need to get out of this relationship.

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