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Wife is an Alcoholic. Filed for Divorce. Took 3 Kids. Blames Me.

by D Posnack
(Florida)

Such a long story to tell and similar to many I have read. My wife went to rehab seven years ago. Was clean best I can determine for 6 months. Kept a journal about her feelings at that time. Basically looking down on our marriage and my being the root of it all.

She and I got pregnant a year out of her rehab and then had two more children. They are now 4,3 and 2. Over the last year my wife got worse drinking every other night, taking sleeping pills and sometimes nyquil. I became frustrated with her and avoided intimacy with her due to that.

My business tanked and I could no longer provide her with a made, nanny etc. I informed her that financials were horrible. I go away for a business trip. Come home and my wife freaks out saying I ruined us, our home is toxic to her, she can't deal with me, I do nothing etc.

So she leaves one day with my kids in the car and went to her parents two hours from me, calls and says she is not coming back and wants a divorce. Since that time I found receipts that show she really never stopped drinking and would go every other day. Now living with her parents and filed for divorce I see my kids every other week for now.

She claims she can breathe again, has started to go to AA again and claims like I mentioned I am the root of all evil and to blame for everything. Her brother is an alcoholic as are other relatives. Over the years some known and some unknown to my wife I have picked her up at bars after getting a call, saved her from a DUI etc., basically I did take care of her.

Now I am broken hearted and want my kids back and my wife if she is sober and we really have a chance this time? However she is pushing the divorce and blames me daily in emails and texts for anything to do with our marriage, kids or you name it. Any advice?

I am so curious when she goes to AA or a rehab hopefully will they see her abnormal behavior? Find her taking off after knowing me for two decades with three small children as not normal? Her blaming me and our life as toxic as an excuse? She has left me holding the bag with our home and finances and now having to fund a divorce and custody battle. Again any advice?

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

For any relationship to survive alcoholism is exceptionally difficult. There is just so much toxic energy that accompanies everything - and that has the potential to create deep, simmering resentments from both sides. Alcoholics are also really good at playing the blame-game and often refuse to take responsibility for their addiction - because by blaming others it gives them the excuse to continue drinking.

But the only way you and your wife are ever going to save your marriage, is if you are both prepared to take responsibility for all the good and bad you've both brought to your relationship. Because without that level of honesty and being prepared to forgive, you have no chance. And so marriage counseling is probably something you'd both need to go to, to facilitate the healing of all those wounds.

That of course all hinges on your both wanting to, and being committed to saving your marriage. But if both of you don't really want that, then best to move on now and make a fresh start. Then you'd need to get yourself a good divorce lawyer to ensure you get a fair a deal as possible.

Hopefully your wife is serious about overcoming her alcoholism, because unless she does, there is no way your marriage would improve in any event and so moving on now, would probably be the best way to go. So I think you need to start by trying to have a real heart-to-heart chat with your wife, and to establish whether both of you really want to make an effort to save your marriage.

If you do, get yourselves into marriage counseling ASAP, and if you don't, try and be as adult and mature as possible in working out your split, because you both have small children to consider and everything must be done with their best interests in mind. This can't be easy for you, but hang in there and trust that in time things will get easier.

Best of Luck and Take Care