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What Have I Done ?

by C

About seven weeks ago I asked my husband to leave our home ... we have been married for 27 years. I just had had enough of the drinking and mental abuse. He thought I was mad like usual and it would blow over and things would go back just like always.

I decided to see a Counselor at this time who has given me the courage to find myself again. Husband wants to come home and I feel sorry for him ... he is not a bad person he is just an alcoholic who wants no responsibility and someone to take care of him.

I have felt so much better since he has been gone, however he has been living at my brothers house but needs to find some place else because brothers son is returning home from Navy. He has no money and wants to live in our basement.

I know it'll he comes back things will go back like they were before. I don't know what to do? I live in our home and pay for most everything ... I want a life and with him I just exist. I do love him?

He started AA and has sponsor ... But he has to go. He can fool everyone that he is trying to do good. I feel like maybe I have made a mountain out of a mole hill. I am afraid of making wrong decision? Answer

You took a courageous step asking your husband to leave ... and you're going to undo it all by allowing him to move back home, even if he is living in the basement.

Feeling sorry for him isn't enough - and it does neither of you and good. All alcoholics just want someone to look after them so they can keep drinking without having to take any responsibility for their lives.

And it all does is further enable your husband's behaviour and self-destructive tendencies. Look at what happened once you threw him out - now suddenly he has a sponsor and is attending AA. That's why letting him come home again is just going to undo everything.

But the most important person in all of this is you. Suddenly you've felt lighter again and that a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. It's not your job to fix your husband. Your counselor is right - you need to discover YOU again.

So whatever decision you make needs to put your happiness and well-being first. You've played the martyr for 27 years ... you are allowed a life of your own and to be happy. If your husband is ever going to get well and overcome his alcoholism ... he is the only one who can make it happen.

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I agree
by: Cindy D

Letting him back is the wrong answer.
He is a grown man who should be able to take care of his own lodging without you or your brother taking him in. If it were me in your shoes, I would insist of a year of solid sobriety as well as working a good 12 step program with a sponsor before I would even discuss the possibility of him moving back in. It is what I am doing with my son right now.
It sounds to me like he is being lazy, taking the easy way out. Sobriety is never easy. It takes work and dedication, but the pay off is huge. If you stand your ground and tell him he is responsible to find his own place to live you will actually be helping him. Do not let anyone tell you any different. Sometimes our family members need that little push to start taking responsibility for their own lives.
Stand strong with what you know is right.

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