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The Tragic Story of My Brother's Drug Addiction

My brother is a druggie; and it's sad because he's been arrested so many times I can't even cry anymore - it's just another part of the day. One time he came home so high he asked me if it was twelve AM or PM.

My dad drove him to the hospital after arguing, of course, and I didn't go to school just so I could visit him the next day. It was hard to see him, in pain, being questioned when he obviously didn't have answers. All I heard was doctors, strangers to me and my brother, mumbling things like 'personality disorder'. People who don't know him ... I know him.

I know he doesn't have disorders. I know what he is - stupid. That's all. No fancy words for it, just stupid. He downed CCC for an event he was so 'mad' about ... it was so important that he didn't even remember the next day. He doesn't think far enough into the future to realize that CCC can hurt you. That weed can kill you. That a smoke a day can ruin your oh so precious voice.

He was so good. He was too good. He never cried - or so I've been told. And he never lied - as far as mother knows ... I remember watching wrestling with him and he'd practice the moves on me and we'd laugh. And DBZ with him was no snorefest either ... since 11/1/95 when I was born ... or taken home rather ... He's loved me. Up until he turned 15, that is.

He's gone the whole nine yards - jail, in-patient, out-patient, rehab, he just doesn't want to stop. And he won't. Ever. I don't think he's ever been happy and I don't think he will be. All he loves is needles breaking the skin, all he desires in the deep inhalation of soothing toxins, and all he cares about is his actions right now. Never the consequences of them. Never.

Was it worth it? Was the stolen shirt worth it? Were the sold drugs worth it? Was the unnatural high that kept you floating when all you needed was for me to keep you grounded fucking worth it? That's all I want to know. Was all those times when I woke up to screaming and sirens and fell asleep to tears with a look in my eyes that pour my soul out to all who see it worth it?

I really hope it was, 'cause if it wasn't then my tears were a waste. Then my existence was a failed attempt to life - I was a mistake to my birth parents, my legal guardians, and you. My life. My friend. My brother. You! My brother. And I've honestly given up and I've burst into tears in the middle of class because of things you've done months ago.

Every drug assembly we have in school I have to 'use the restroom' 'cause I'm too embarrassed to let my peers see me crying over you again! And I'm sick. You were a black sharpie with a pink cap and no one knew until they tried it out and it ruined the whole picture.

You came home just today smelling of pot and mom quickly dismissed it and she won't believe me. You lie and steal money from her - birth or adoptive she is is still your MOTHER! You took from ME! A 12-year old girl and you stole money and prescription drugs from ME. And I honestly hate thinking, because despite the starting point all my thought undoubtedly lead to one thing sooner or later - you.

So This is my message of farewell, I give up on you. I quit. You aren't my brother just like they aren't my parents and those people aren't my friends. They say you can't choose your family, but you can. My family chose me. Picked me out of the litter. Took in the runt and all they did was complain and you were the only one who didn't.

It's almost funny how that worked. We aren't a family, families love each other. All you love is drugs, all mother loves is sleep, and all father loves is baseball. And all I love is you. You! You fucking faggot, all I love is you! So tell me. Was CCC worth rehab? Was the shirt worth jail? Were the lies worth court? And was it all worth my unease? Was it worth it Matthew? Was it worth it?

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thank you
by: Anonymous

i am the drug addicted brother in my family, i cried after i read this, i have lil brother and sister that feel the same, cant believe i put them thru so much shit, so many tears n pain, trips 2 hospital coz i ODd, stole ££££s from family, wish i cud hug them and neva let go, this has made me realise i need to stop, thanks u have touched me with ur story and i pray for ur bro and family

I'm sorry,
by: Nini

I know exactly how you feel, and you're not alone. I have the same problem with my older brother :( He didn't graduate and just stays at home, in and out of jail all the time, goes out, high all the time, jobless; 20 year old at home. All he ever thinks about are drugs. He's always giving my parents a hard time and is the main reason why they always fight, it's tearing our family apart. And i feel like i'm all alone. my mom takes out her anger on me and is constantly yelling and its the same with my dad. My brother always steals and tries to find stuff around the house to sell it for money, and you already know what the money is for. We can't even trust him to the point where we always have to have our rooms locked. He pretty much has nothing else to do with his life but drugs drugs DRUGS. it saddens me because the drugs just kill him slowly, but at the same time angers me that he just wont quit, knowing that its affected our family so bad. When my parents take out their anger on me, i just feel like dying because i can't take it anymore. Even now, i can't explain everything and how i feel because i don't know how to put it in words. I just don't know how much longer i can take of this? I hope he grows up and finds the strength to quit his addiction soon. And I hope all goes well for you, you're not going through this alone!

Thank you all for your comments
by: Author

Thanks for supposrting me and sharing your opinions with me, my brother was recently sent to jail a few weeks ago and will be sent to a new rehab facility, I really hope that helps him, and all of you guys who've been commenting I really hope your stories have happy endings- Thanks a buch.

i feel your pain
by: Anonymous

my brother did the same thing al though it wasn't a secret to out family. he used to beat my mum and my dad n him would have punch ons.
i was too young to TRULY get the full effect but i'm sure what you wrote was exactly how my older sister felt, she idolised him. at drug assemblies i feel embarrassed because none of the kids truly know it, they don't know how real it is and they never really touch on the damage of families, never. so i feel your pain and i hope it doesn't ruin your life, i really do.

I feel you =(
by: Anonymous

dude i feel your pain... i am dealing with the same thing i can't even speak to my brother anymore i choke everytime i call him my brother because with all those drugs in his head he is dead to me =( my brother is still alive but in my heart he is dead because he is so stupid and is just a heart breaker to everyone... my parents try to help him but he is an ass to them i am so sick and tired of it!!! if he doesn't want help he should just die because he already is dead inside... i used to love my brother but with the addiction i can't even say the words i love you to him....

Beautiful Disaster
by: Terry H

What an awesome story - I truly hope it helps someone - I am a recovering addict - cominig up on 4 years clean - Only If I keep it one day at a time - and that is so for real - My prayer for any addict - that one day they choose to live - and walking this earth as a zombie is very painful - been there done that - I encourage you to keep telling your story - cause you too have a great story for someone who may be struggling - I will keep your brother in prayer - and when we circle up at the end of any meeting - we pray for the addict still suffering - So there are hundreds of thousands of people praying for your brother - Don't give up on him -keep him in prayer - God always take care of us - Terry

by: Author

Thank you so much for your comment and it's really helping me...I've decided to join the school stage crew for the play, so I can focus on that.

It really helps to know it's not my fault and I'm not alone...this isn't a problem a 14 year old girl should have to deal with.

I don't think I'm ready to join a group just yet...but I'd like to try some of the advice you gave me. and I appreciate your help with this.

Thank you.

Don't be so hard on yourself
by: C-P

I can feel your pain, anger and frustration. I used to feel similarly about my mother - someone whom I loved dearly, but ended up almost destroying our family because of her addiction.

The thing is, and it's only something I realised after I had been through my own problems with addiction, is that her addiction was no reflection on me, as your brother's addiction is no reflection on you. So don't beat yourself up about this.

Addiction is a terribly selfish illness where the addict like your brother is totally self-absorbed and basically everything else in his life comes second because of it. That has nothing to do with you though.

So even though it's hard, you have to focus on finding things to do and work at that give you some sense of peace and happiness. For me it used to be my sport - that was my escape. Find something like that, whether it be a sport or hobby you can focus all your energies on, because it will help.

You might want to look into joining a group like Nar-Anon which is for family members of addicts ( Having other people to talk to who understand what you're going through will help deal with this whole situation easier for you.

Know that your brother does love you. It's just that his addiction is all consuming and right now comes first unfortunately. I hope he does recover so that you can repair your relationship at some point, but in the meantime don't take what he's doing personally. I know it hurts, but his addiction is no reflection on you.

Thanks for sharing your story. It took a lot of courage, especially for someone so young still. You're a seriously brave girl.

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