The Drink That Filled The Void, Turned On Me

by Jackson
(South Africa)

I grew up in a house where my mom and dad never had a drink not even at the dinner table. I have five other brothers and my parents are well known in our small town. My parents both had good jobs and came from a very spiritual background.

When I first started to drink casually and occasionally, it was moderate and under control, but little did I know it wouldn't stay that way much longer. When I reached the age of 23 I had started experiencing that the events that occurred together with my drinking became worse. It went on like this for 3 more years, I am now 26.

My drinking I know now was linked to my feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem and dealing with sexuality. When I drank among friend or alone, I felt free and not restrained as usual. I never felt insecure or shy or morbid as I usually did.

But on the other hand when I drank, I drank way too much and became a whole different person who would wander off for distances in the night after getting dropped off at home by a cab, solicit sex from strangers and in the event get robbed of my belongings (cellphones and clothes) every time. The amount of things I lost that I have worked so hard for increased every time, but no matter how hard I tried to stop --- I just couldn't do it on my own.

One night I wandered off into a protected area and got beaten up so badly by the security guard, guarding the area that I got stitches to keep my nose and cheek together, another night the gate to my apartment was locked, I lost the key while drunk and had to jump the fence that was fitted with barb wire-my legs slashed open (I keep thinking how I could been caught in that sharp wires and bled to death till the morning.)

Recently I wandered the streets drunk without my pants on, and found my pants in my room when I returned home. I don't know why - and I cant remember what my reason was for doing so.

The more these terrible things kept happening to me the more I was determined that it would be the last time, yet every time I get tempted to take another drink, I comfort myself in the hopes that the bad experiences from the past is over and I've learnt from them, however this was the very thought that lead me to the next drink and ultimately destroys me slowly.

My parents found out about this when I called them frantically and hysterically under the influence. I told them that I couldn't live like this anymore and I was hopeless and destitute. They were puzzled and afraid and could never put anything like this by me.

My choice of recovery is to live a spiritual life and to overcome my addiction through devotion to my faith. For years I have tried to run from this and I felt there had to be a better, laid back and easier way.

The main idea of my story is that no matter how moral, ethic, religious or spiritual background one has, who you are or where you come from. Our trials and our tests will come. I take an example from the Bible of the man whose life Satan tried to take and kept accusing him before God, Job had illness and bad fortune, lack and loss for a certain period in his life, however God said NO-"not his life!"

No matter what I go through - what has been stolen from me in the spiritual and the physical realm, I know God was there all those nights, keeping me safe and sound, through the loneliness, the confusion, the shame, and pain.

I'm still in the process of recovering and I am positive that I will live a full and productive life and that my dark dark nights are behind me.