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Seventeen Years Old and I Need Help For My Drug and Alcohol Addiction

by Jake R
(Indiana, United States)

I'm seventeen years old and i feel like I've experienced more than most forty year olds. I am a self proclaimed drug addict and alcoholic. My mom and dad were never married. Mom raised me as a single parent and she has always done a good job.

It hurts because she loves me so much and all she gets in return is seeing her child stumble in the door falling on his face some nights and having no clue what I'm doing - or if I'll live to see tomorrow the nights I dont come home. It definately hurts that my dad isn't around and it has had a huge negative affect on me my entire life.

My mom remarried about ten years ago but me and my stepdad have a horrible relationship. I refuse to show him any respect and I dont think that will change. I cuss at him and taunt him daily and more than once its gotten pretty physical. I used to blame my drug use on these unfortunate events. I realize now that I just want an excuse to use.

I'm not ok with that but I know that I will continue to look for excuses. When I was fourteen I began to experiment with marijana and alcohol. Naturally, I liked the effects. Being in high school, it was normal to drink and smoke at parties on the weekends so I did.

But where others left it at that, I started smoking pot during the week. Befor school. After school. Before practice, after practice. Before bed. Wake up do it again. Hundreds of dollars a week on marijuana. Shortly after I began drinking daily as well. I put down about five or six fifths of vodka a week.

When I was fifteen I tried my first pill. Worst mistake of my life. I remember that my first time taking pills was a couple perkosettes. Opiates. My love. My life. My master. Quickly and I mean quickly it turned into tabs, oxycotton, vicodin, morphine and ultimately methadone (synthetic heroin) - this drug owned my mood, owned my time and owned my wallet.

One night I took thirteen lortab 10s and I didn't wake up for two days. It didn't scare me because I started right back up. I was unwilling, tricked actually, but I went to rehab for the first time about a year ago. When i got out I was motivated and determined to be sober. I went to AA everyday. Had a sponsor and a job. Things were going pretty good.

One day before two months sober I got an overwhelming urge to use. It rattled in my head all day until I broke. I relapsed on nitrous oxide and was back to using again only worse in a matter of days. It wasn't long before my parents found out and they kicked me out of the house.

When it rained they let me sleep in our shed with the lawn mowers but that was about it. I lived like that for about two months jumping from friend to friend and sleeping outside when I couldn't find anywhere to go. I managed to find a job making enough money to buy a car which would be my temporary shelter.

My drug of choice changed from opiates and alcohol to benzos and alcohol (xanax, klonopins, etc.) These drugs have a way of making people black out. I found that out pretty quick. I was up to four bars at a time snorting them most of the time. I get nosebleeds almost daily from snorting so many pills.

About a month ago I went to buy some pot and the cops got an anonymous call about a suspicous vehicle. I was arrested and taken to jail. Of course I was on my DOC xanax and I don't remember very many details. I know that my mom was called to come get me since I'm not eighteen. A couple hours later I called a friend to take me to my truck.

On my way home I nodded out. When I woke up I was completely off the road. I over corrected and flipped into a telephone pole breaking it completely in half. I was going forty five mph with no seatbelt on. My injuries were minor. No broken bones just ten stitches on my arm. I was very lucky. I was charged with possession of alcohol and DWI.

It still didn't have an affect on me because that next day I was buying more xanax. And that week I exited my comfort zone and tried meth although I'd tried cocaine once before it wasnt like my meth experience. I went on a benj smoked about 250 dollars worth of meth in about four days.

I didn't sleep for eighty hours and once I sobered up a little I decided that I hated it and I haven't done it since. I told myself I wanted to be sober for my court date and I was able to make it five days with no drugs but on the sixth day I tried to kill myself from overdose. I took so many pills I felt like I was gonna die but it didn't happen. This is a reoccuring problem.

I have been institutionalized for having a gun cocked and loaded in my mouth. I was found before I could pull the trigger. The drugs and alcohol are becoming too much and its kinda scary to think that I have no idea if I'm gonna die from suicide or overdose in the near future.

A quick list of all the drugs I've used in the past few months just to give you an idea of how bad it is (marijuana, alcohol, lortabs, perkosettes, methadone, morphine oxycotton, vicodin, ambien, aderol, vivance, ridolin, nitrous, duster, cocaine, meth amphetamines, xanax, klonopin, and some synthetic "legal" drugs) - anything can happen in a world where drugs are given the power.

I've been to treatment twice and am most likely going back court ordered. I am tired of putting my family through all of this. My little brother is nine years old and he is easily my favorite person on the planet. He has seen way too much and I don't want him growing up to be like me.

I want to hear my mom and even my step dad tell me he's proud of me. I want to be done depending on a substance to live and able to depend on myself again. If you know how I can get real help please let me know . . . I'm gonna hit the bottle and go to bed.

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Try this...
by: FriendofDaishonin

I would suggest trying Nichiren Buddhism. But before you reject the idea out of hand because it is "religion", hear me out. I rejected Alcoholics Anonymous because of me relying on a higher power to keep me sober. I don't believe in that sort of thing. I found that if I chant 2 hours a day the desire to drink NEVER bothers me. I was a daily black out drinker. I was in AA for 10 years, I will never darken the doors of another meeting because chanting is ME keeping myself sober, not "god". Self reliance. I have heard of people getting off of Cocaine by chanting to make the desire go away. I quit smoking by chanting, chanted for two hours in one setting focusing on the desire to smoke to go away, and it disappeared on me with no withdrawals. If you want to know more just email me.

Chanting really does work, that's why I don't mess with the nonsense in a 12 step program(and doing those things did keep the desire to drink away so I do have experience with the 12 steps). But now I don't ever have to go to a meeting, I don't have to hear the drama from old timers who think they know everything and they demand that I agree with them. I don't have to hear about how sick and crazy people are(when it is just an excuse to show up late to work, or not pay child support, or whatever). Good riddance. But anyway, you can overcome this, you have the ability locked away inside of you and that is the whole point of chanting. Namu-myoho-renge-kyo.

AA is a waste of time...

If it is to be, its up to me
by: Anonymous

There's a saying that goes - 'if it is to be, it's up to me.' You've been for treatment, gone through rehab, and you were doing well when you were working your recovery - meetings, sponsor, working the steps etc. So you know what to do. Get back to doing it! There is no magic cure and the best person to really help you, is you. You're obviously a bright lad, judging by how you write - so in your case its a matter of getting back to 'work.' And the longer you keep working your recovery, the easier it will become, and eventually the desire to use will leave. You got to 2 months sober, and in the early days, you will have times when you want to pick up or drink again. That's normal. You just have to get through those days. It's not about reinventing the wheel - go back to what you were doing when you were sober, and keep on doing it, no matter what. Maybe you need another spell in treatment, so get yourself booked in somewhere. But long-term sobriety comes down to being prepared to put in the work - doing all those things you learned about at rehab and in meetings, consistently! So don't give up on yourself. The good news is, you have the answers. Now it's just a matter of finding the motivation and clinging on to your desire to live, to do what you know you need to. Hang in there my friend. You can do this!

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