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Please Help Me Help My "NOW SOBER" Fiance Get The Right Help!!!

by Misty

My Fiancé has been an addict for over 6 yrs. We have been together for 2 yrs now. When I realized he was a drug addict I wanted to help him overcome it and tried supporting him.

But after drug tests coming out positive, staying home from work to spy on him, checking his phone, paying all the bills on my own and the continuous lies I had to make him move out of my house.

After moving back with his parents he turned for the worse ... which I had no clue because I wasn't with him, so we started talking again and decided to try and make our relationship work (This has happened numerous times).

Long story short. The last time I found out he was using again I told him he either had to go to rehab and get help or we weren't going to be together. I couldn't sit by any longer and watch the man I love kill himself.

I had to fight with him about this cause his parents told him he couldn't go that he had to go back to work instead. He did decide to go and has recently gotten out of rehab (37 days clean) still living with his parents.

His parents and I have different beliefs on his recovery and he feels he has to listen to them since he lives there. His mother enables him taking care of his bills, cooking, washing his clothes treating him like a little kid (he's 24) and she gets mad at him and tells him when he needs to come home when he comes to my house for an hour.

She says he needs to come first (work and the meetings)... and she blames me for his relapses cause I broke up with him 2 months after we had went to Michigan (him and I) for a surgical procedure to get the drugs out of his body.

I stood beside him through the withdrawals - clothing him bathing him etc. but since he relapsed when we broke up she blames me. She even told me the day he went to rehab that I need to learn not to fight with him.

I don't understand why they would blame me when he was a drug abuser 4 years before I met him and they knew he was and never got him help and now he finally is getting help? He actually told me that he never realized he had a problem till we were together he felt he had a great life, great job and lots of friends.

He just started work again today which I don't understand cause he was just fighting with his dad last week telling him he wasn't ready to yet because there are people on the job he has used or bought drugs off of.

He has been attending AA meetings and was supposed to start outpatient next week but now he can't do the outpatient program because he works 6 days a week 8-12 hrs a day 45 mins away. He'll be lucky if he can even attend the meetings.

He is just doing things to make them happy and I am so afraid for him cause he still isn't strong. He told me and his parents last week he ran into someone and they were asking him to get them some and he thought about doing it.

I feel like his parents just want the problem to go away and its only been 37 days!! Please any advice you can give me I would greatly appreciate it! Answer

You can't make your boyfriend's parents understand the nature of his problem and what drug addiction actually entails if they actually couldn't be bothered and prefer living with their heads in the sand. So it's pointless trying to fight a battle you're never going to win.

Irrespective of all that though and whether your boyfriend's parents have the right attitude towards his addiction or not ... it should make no difference to his recovery and whether he manages to stay clean.

Sure, some environments are more helpful and supportive than others ... and in an ideal world his parents would be behaving in a manner more conducive to making sure he takes total responsibility for his life and choices, by not enabling him. But we don't live in an ideal world.

So you shouldn't be making excuses for your boyfriend and his relapse. No matter his environment and what his parents do/don't do - it's up to him to stay clean by committing to a program of recovery and doing whatever it takes to turn his life around. Now your intentions are no doubt good, but be careful of the role you're playing in all this, because it sounds like you're trying to rescue which tends to be a typical signs of codependents.

What you should be doing is putting your own boundaries in place and making it clear to your boyfriend that unless he stays clean and commits to his recovery, there is no future for your relationship. Conditions are never perfect ... and those that achieve long-term sobriety do so in spite of their circumstances - not because of them.

So even though the situation with his parents isn't ideal, that shouldn't be an excuse and you mustn't allow it to become one. No one is strong early on in their recovery - they become strong through diligently working their program. And that's the message you need to be passing onto your boyfriend.

Good Luck

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some serious advice from an LCDC
by: Anonymous

I work in substance abuse. I have my bachelors in psyc, masters in counseling, and certifications in LCDC and LPC and work with over 200 new patients a year.

In all honesty your boyfriend is NEVER going to change, and his parents are codependant and will always enable his addiction. I have seen this exact same scenario over and over and over and over and over again.

I have never seen a case like this where the alcoholic stayed sober for very long; sure they can for a few weeks, a few months, or even a few years.

Sooner or later he will be back drinking, you will have wasted more of your young life and emotions on an addict that only cares about his addiction, and you will have less opportunity than you currently have.

Dont walk... RUN!

I am going the same situation
by: Holly

My husband & his 3 children now live with his aging parents. My husband is 40 & has absolutely no responsibilities or pays no consequences for his actions. His parents take care of everything,including his children. He always says he is "now sober" & "I'm doing really good now" I have heard this a million times. He has a good paying job & works 6 days a week 10-12 hours a day.
His Mom says he needs to work but what good is his paycheck if he disappears every weekend & spends it all on crack. I told his Mom that he needs to go to a long term rehab & she snapped at me & said that I don't know what my husband needs. They all pretend that everything is normal & ignore his crack addiction. His mom says "wait for the miracle, be positive about this & we can all learn something from this situation" There is no miracle here & he needs to learn from this, not us! They are loving him to death & he is going to die if they don't wake up!They blame me for his relapses because he always gets high after he visits me. I do not allow any contact with him anymore & they are going to find out the hard way it is not my fault. I now have no contact with him or his parents because I am tired of them all blaming me, excuses, excuses! I just hope I don't get a knock at my door with the police saying he has died "out there", this may be only a matter of time because he goes to really bad locations. I now have divorce papers & will be filing them next week. I just want out of this & to let go of him, I can't "fix him " & found out I am very codependent (I'm getting help for this) but it is so hard because I love him. I wish I had never taken him back the first time he deserted me, I should have kicked him out right then because it has gotten so much worse since then & it hurts more each time he deserts me & his 3 children. I am trying to get my life back to normal by myself, some days are easy & some days I lie in the bed & cry. I am broken hearted but one day I'll be glad he is gone & out of my life because he does not care & has made my life a living hell. I just want to be happy & set free from this man.

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