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Parents Don't Agree About Letting Daughter Move Back Home. She Has A Drug Problem and Refuses To Get Help

My husband wants to allow our almost 20 year old daughter to move back home. My 14 year old daughter and I do not want her to move back. She has a drug problem, lies and steals, and refuses long-term treatment.

To make matters worse, my mother agrees with my husband. We have gone to much counseling and Nar-anon, but they still enable her. A year ago, he let her back in the home and I moved out. He got sick of dealing with her months later, and threw her out. She has been staying at my mother's but she is going back to Florida.

She stole my mother's car a week ago in the middle of the night and put 100 miles on it and messed up the brakes. I asked my mom to call the police, her probation officer, or throw her out, but she says she can't. My mother has been lecturing me on a daily basis to let her back in my house.

But my daughter can't go 24 hours without creating some kind of chaos. I used to do all the disciplining because my husband can't deal with confrontation, but he doesn't support my decisions concerning this daughter. We didn't bail out the other two when they got in trouble, but he can't quit enabling this one.

It is really hurting our marriage and a terrible example for our 14-year old daughter. If he lets her back again, I feel I have no choice but to leave again. But I am a Christian and I feel like I am not supposed to leave either. I need some advice please. Answer

There is very little you can do about your daughter if you and your husband are not singing from the same hymn sheet. And it's not helping your daughter either, because as long as she knows your husband isn't prepared to follow through or stand his ground, she'll just keep manipulating him to get her way.

You're right in saying that you should be trying to get your daughter into treatment for her drug problem, but as long as you as a family don't show a united front, it's going to be very difficult.

But this isn't just about your daughter, there are clearly fundamental differences in how you and your husband believe things should be handled, and until you resolve that, it's going to be difficult to initiate change and really help your daughter. So somehow you two are going to have to find a way to get on the same page, so maybe some marriage counseling is something you need to look at.

But if things still don't change and you and your husband are unable to see eye to eye, you're going to have to make a call, as to how you feel the best way to handle that is. And if you think moving out is the only resort available left to you, then that's your decision to make.

Hopefully you and your husband can find some kind of common ground and it doesn't get to that. But for the sake of both your daughter's, you need to be showing a unified approach, because it's damaging them both, albeit in different ways.

P.S. The reality is you're faced with every parents worst nightmare - having a child addicted to drugs. So it may also be worth you taking a look at Help! My Child Is An Addict because we cover a lot extra information in there that can really help you. Not only in terms of ways to help your daughter, but your marriage as well.

Comments for Parents Don't Agree About Letting Daughter Move Back Home. She Has A Drug Problem and Refuses To Get Help

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Don't Let Drug Addicts Run Your Life!
by: Anonymous

My husband and I are both 54 years old and have a 31-year old daughter (his) who is on drugs. She was living with her mother, step-father and younger brother and they threw her out six (6) months ago. She still didn't hit bottom and get help. She moved back into her mother's last weekend and didn't last 24 hours before it took 8 police officers to physically remove her from the residence due to physical violence and destruction of property. I told my husband SHE IS NOT MOVING IN WITH US. We both get up and go to work every day and I'm not having some drug addict lay around and sleep all day while I'm out breaking my back. I don't want to worry that she'll fall asleep with a cigarette and burn my house down, as she burns holes in bedding, etc. due to her "zoning out" when she is messed up. I have anxiety every holiday because she surfaces and wants to stay with someone for the holidays. Last year she ruined my Christmas. I told her on Christmas Eve if she ruined my holiday I would kick her skinny ass from the house into the street. She backed down and apologized days later. Now, she ruined everyone's 4th of July holiday by sending nasty text messages, threatening to post things on the Internet about my husband's contracting business, etc. We have no peace in our lives. We have to take all of the phones off the hook at night when we go to bed and set our alarm system even if it's just to go to the store for 15 minutes. I am getting to the point that I just want to pack up everything I own and move far, far away. I am sick of living like this, and I am sick of complaining to everyone about the same old crap. I don't feel it is fair to me that I have to give up what I worked hard for if I do move out. I'm stuck on what to do.

mom needs support
by: Anonymous

I so understand the mom in this situation, we also have a daughter who is an addict, we have 4 children she is the 2nd oldest 22, she went to jail when she was 20 for drugs, they released her to a treatment center for 30 days then home, during her time in treatment we found out she had been using since she was 16, needless to say we were devistated however, after being away from home for 60 days 30 in jail and 30 in treatment we finally saw our daughter again for the first time, it was so wonderful but.....just a couple of months later those same patterns began to rear there ugly heads again and I knew we were once again in trouble and in a fight for her life. Sadly enough that was two years ago and here we still are, struggling with her lies, drugs, deceptions. So to anonymous mom....I too live in a world where I call myself psycho mom and (hubby) is disney dad, been that way for years, finally after having police here today looking for her (i was at work) dad had to deal with the situation "no choice", and he finally, tonight after a bit of prompting told her she had to get out and if that means living on the street so be it, she has hurt too many here, of course she used every excuse in the book not to leave including that even the police wouldn't make her leave because its cold outside...drugs talking???? We are at our witts end, tried treatment center again a few weeks ago, she made the decision on her own which was a very welcomed surprise however in knowing as a parent whos been thru this I did not get too excited and again I was right unfortunatley, she only made it two days then back to the b.s. again. The professionals are great (for the parents) but my daughter is a real charmer and has charmed the best of them, even with my warning, they told me once at a meeting after our daughter said what she had to say and I corrected a few things, that I should just listen!! I just wanted to scream at them and say did you get your degree in stupidity???? she's my daughter and she just blatently lied to you.....I am not having much faith in the treatment situation right now but thats not to say there is not one out there that can help, we are just very limited as to where we can go. I will say a prayer for you that some how some thing will intervene and bring peace for your family.

Common Ground
by: Anonymous

What would be common ground in this situation?

We have done marriage counseling
by: Anonymous

We have gone to marriage counseling. The counselor told us that our daughter should not move back in. The same for several other counselors and our pastor. I told the counselor I was sick of being the "bad guy." She said you have to keep doing it as you know your husband isn't strong enough, and that he should back me up since I do 90% of the disciplining. We are never going to be on the same page about this. But he doesn't care because our daughter has never pushed him, or threatened to hit him. Also, he is much bigger and stronger than she is, but I am not. Once she threatened to hit me when I had my infant and a toddler grandsons on my lap, but my husband said nothing to her. She lied another time and squeezed her neck and told my mother and her sister that I had hurt her, when in fact she pushed me. And this was in front of several people in my home for a baby shower. I didn't even find out about that until a year later.

I know I'm supposed to look forward and not back, but it's hard when she went to a mental health hospital for 8 days, they agreed she needed long-term treatment, and she refused it. She also stole my mother's car just a week ago, so what reason do I have to believe that she is reformed?

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