My Son is an Alcoholic and Tells Lies. What can I do?
My Son calls me in the middle of the night drunk and rambling about things that aren't true. He tries to cause trouble among the family with lies. He makes up stories that seem believable but the next morning when I confront him he will laugh and say I said that? Replying no it isn't true.
He will try pick a fight saying hurtful things. I love him with all my heart but I noticed his drinking started when he was in college and then got worse after he moved away with his fiancé. He calls me crying saying that he misses his family but he can't move back. He says that he gives up on himself and that he is a loser and I assure him that he is not a loser that he is a great guy and the alcohol is making him feel this way.
The last straw was he called my 78 year old mother and upset her so much because he said horrible things that were untrue. He then called me and told me that my mother said she hated me and that she was no longer my mother. He kept repeating "I stuck up for you mom".
I knew he was lying and I called my mother she was so upset she was hysterical. I explained that he lies when he drinks and you can't trust anything he says. The next morning he texted me saying he was sorry, I replied "JD I love you, but I can't deal with your drinking anymore. I can't talk to you until you stop your drinking and you do need help"!
I have not heard from him since that text. I texted him Merry Christmas and he did not even reply to that. My question is: Am I doing the right thing by not speaking with him or am I going to make things worse? I don't want to lose my relationship with my son. I love him with all my heart but this situation is very hurtful. I want to do the right thing, please help. Thank You, Joyce
Yes you did the right thing Joyce. Because by not standing up to his reckless and irresponsible behavior, his lies and manipulation - what incentive will there ever be for him to change?
Up until now it sounds like you've enabled his behavior, allowing him to do as he pleases, because he knows Mom will always stand up for him and never actually confront his problem.
You need to educate yourself on how best to deal with an alcoholic child or loved one - and there are loads of examples on this website, and through organizations like Al-Anon that can help you do that.
Of course the situation is hurtful like it would be for any parent who's child struggles with alcoholism. But you are not helpless in all this - it's about making the time and effort to learn how to deal with what you're faced with more effectively.
Principles like detachment, no longer being part of the problem because you refuse to continue enabling him, making sure he has to accept full responsibility for his choices, and that he has to live with the consequences of everything he does are what you have to start incorporating into your life and relationship with him.
If he gets desperate enough and sick and tired of living the life of an alcoholic - he'll be ready to accept help and turn his life around. And all you can do is try and get him to that point by following the above principles.
So you've made a start with that text message. It's what you need to do to help your son. Good Luck