My Son Has Admitted to Being an Alcoholic But Thinks He Can Conquer The Disease Without AA
My son seems to blame pride for not wanting to go to AA meetings but pride is going to cause him to lose his precious family. He's been to a few AA meetings and we, my husband and my daughter-in-law have been attending Al-anon.
They seem to help but my question that I can't seem to find the right person to ask is: He seems to have such hatred for his wife right now and he talks awful to her and says horrible things all the time. One day he wants to work it out he loves her and the next day he actually tells her how much he hates her.
They are expecting their 2nd child soon and he is living at some of his single friends houses and is starting to alienate all of his family. I have tried to reach out to his single friends and I know from another person that they did receive my email and they are concerned and had planned on talking to him but they have done nothing that I am aware of.
I guess my question is, could he really not LOVE his wife anymore after 8 months ago planning another child - or is it the alcohol and the guilt and disgust he is feeling for himself? He has an excellent job and I continue to hear they have to hit rock bottom. What a hard thing it is for a parent to have to let go. The anxiety I feel all the time is going to kill me first.
It does seem that there are two issues at play here - your son's alcoholism and the relationship with his wife. Now those two issues no doubt effect each other, but AA won't necessarily heal whatever resentment has crept into his marriage.
The thing is we don't know why he's suddenly developed this resentment. Maybe it is due to self-loathing caused by his drinking? But maybe there are genuine issues that have developed in their relationship?
If it's the former and he works the program (12 steps) and starts to heal/change, then that anger will probably resolve itself in time, but if he feels genuinely aggrieved by something he feels his wife did, then it might not be that simple.
Therapy and marriage counseling are additional forms of intervention your son and his wife should consider. Because that will help get to the bottom of what is actually going on - and might be what's needed to break through whatever has come between them.
But like you have learned, your son has to want to change and do what is necessary to save his marriage. Unfortunately many alcoholics are only ready to turn their lives around and make amends once they have lost everything and reached their bottom.
Try talk to him again and remind him what he stands to lose if things don't change, and ask him where this sudden resentment towards his wife comes from? Maybe he'll open up to you and you can get to the bottom of this.
Eventually though as a parent you do have to learn to let go because you can't control the decisions your son makes. Our lives are ultimately determined by the choices we make and whether we learn from our mistakes. Let's hope your son will learn from this and become a better person for it.