My Partner is an Alcoholic and was 9 months Sober and Doing Great Before Relapsing. Is Now Back in Rehab

by Jen
(NSW)

Firstly, let me tell you that my partner and I are true soul mates. However, since meeting one another 5 years ago it has been a rocky road to say the very least. In and out of rehab for short periods.

The last time he went into rehab he stayed for 4 months and came back the man I love and adore. He stayed sober, got a good job and I really thought he had turned a corner. After 9 months sober he left the keys in the letterbox while I was at work - and texted me to say he has always hated me and was delaying the inevitability of his leaving (I knew he had been drinking as this was his usual MO).

I was devastated - he emptied his account completely and went on a 4 week drinking binge, sending me filthy hurtful texts and continually calling a friend of mine explaining how it was all my fault for the first two weeks then as the cycle goes trying to apologize to me and begging to come home. When I didn't give in he got verbally nasty again.

He is now in rehab and says he will be there for minimum 9 months to a year. He wants me to wait for him. I have all his clothes and belongings. I don't want him to finish rehab and come back thinking everything is alright. He has broken my heart. I have not had a day off work but inside I am crumbling.

I have used tough love with him during all his promises of change but it hurts me too as I absolutely love him. When he is sober he is the most shy, peace loving individual I have ever known. He's like jekyll and hyde when he drinks.
I know this is going to be a stupid question but - should I explain to him that I may wait, however, he will need to live on his own, get a job and his licence before I could consider a relationship with him? Or is this too much to expect.

I need all the advice I can get from recovering alcoholics or anyone that can share their experiences or anything. Thanks, Desperate

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Answer

Hi Jen

Your boyfriend being back in alcohol rehab is definitely a good thing - and hopefully with such a lengthy stay he'll finally be able to leave the demons of addiction behind him for good. But don't you think its maybe a bit early to already be planning the dynamics of your relationship if he's only going to get out of rehab in a year's time?

Let him focus on his recovery while in rehab without the distractions of what may/may not happen when he eventually finishes his program. A lot can happen in a year, so why don't you both just agree to focus on becoming as healthy and happy as you can individually - because by doing that you in any event give your relationship the best possible chance of flourishing in the long-term.

But yes, your thinking is solid. You will definitely need to put boundaries in place once he does come out - and make it clear that you have certain expectations he needs to fufill if you're ever going to reconsider getting back together. And him being able to support himself is a given.

But this year apart could be a good thing if you use it wisely. Use the time to really get to know yourself and what makes you happy. And trust that in doing that the future will take care of itself and that everything will work out for the best. Your boyfriend is where he needs to be, and hopefully this stint in rehab will be the start of his journey towards lasting sobriety.

Take Care and good luck to you both.

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