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My Mother Gets Drunk To The Point Of Falling Down, Hides Bottles and Becomes Violent. Help!

by Alana
(England, UK)

Mum drinks to the point of not being able to stand up. She hides bottles in cupboards or wherever. She recently smashed in someone's door and threatened the owner with a knife. I have caught her in a drunken state leaning over my dad in bed talking very dark and threatening to stab him. As soon as she saw me she stopped.

Tonight was the icing on the cake, she walked in from a day out boozing and she had either fallen over or someone had hit her in the face. I asked what had happened and the reply was SHUT UP! She then proceeded to walk off talking to herself....

In the early years she was abused physically & mentally as a child, lost a child at 10mths through cot death and my own father used to be violent towards her until as a teenager I had had enough, along with my siblings and we called the police.

That stopped his behaviour but I now realise he was being pushed to he brink verbally etc. from my mothers own behaviour. My mum is a very damaged woman. Now I do not have a close relationship with either parent but especially now my mother. I would like that to change as she is getting older (63) and I now live away but even when she is sober she is not particularly pleasant in her tone when she talks to me.

Any help on how to deal with my mum would be very much appreciated...Thank you. Answer

Hi Alana

Realistically it's going to be difficult. Because if your mother doesn't want to do anything about her alcoholism, she isn't going to change. To overcome your mother's level of alcoholism requires professional help, through a combination of receiving specialised alcoholism treatment like would be gotten at a rehab facility - and finding a recovery program to work at post rehab.

And unless she wants to overcome her drinking problem, she isn't going to put in the effort to change her ways and take on board the treatment etc. she would receive. So you can encourage your mother to get help and try and help facilitate the process of her doing so, but if she doesn't want it, there isn't much you can do.

In some cases performing a family intervention can work in getting a loved one into treatment, but it usually means using something as 'leverage' to convince them to do so, i.e. something they value greatly that they would lose if they didn't agree to it, e.g. financial support, breaking contact etc.

But if your relationship isn't that great, it becomes more difficult. It doesn't mean you shouldn't explore that option though and perhaps look into using an Intervention Coach/Specialist to help you look into it's feasibility.

Irrespective though ... ultimately no one can help your mother until she's ready to help herself. She somehow has to come to her own realisation that she wants to turn her life around - and what it takes to get to that point is different for each alcoholic, but typically involves reaching rock bottom.

There is unfortunately no simple or definitive answer to this. You're lucky in the sense that you don't live with your Mom anymore and so aren't exposed to the toxicity and insanity that accompanies living with an alcoholic. Learn from your parents mistakes and dedicate yourself to being the best possible person you can be.

Because how things turn out for your mother is ultimately something you have no control over, so as much as it hurts, learning to let go is something you'll have to learn for the sake of your own sanity and well-being.

All the Best

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by: Anonymous

Unfortunately my mum is the same, lucky for me I'm close with my dad so I can talk to him about it but it still hurts to see your mum acting like a complete idiot when there drunk. If your mum is like mine there's a good chance they won't stop. Good luck anyway and try and get her to see a therapist or something. Talk to her when she's sober and don't get fustrated, if an argument starts, leave, don't stick around to watch a drunk lose it. It will end with you upset and there's a good chance she won't even remember.

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