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My Marriage to an Addictive Personality .... and How I Lost Love for My Husband!

by Katie
(Houston, TX)

I have not loved my husband in quite some time now. He is a recovering alcoholic and has been for 3 years this May; however, the 7 years of alcoholism has scarred me deeply. When he stopped drinking he was trying to hide smoking weed to compensate for the lack of alcohol. The mental, verbal, and emotional abuse is horrible.

My 7-year-old daughter adores her father but doesn't understand because he tells her horrible things about me, like I am evil or he'll call me a stupid bit%$ in front of her. I fell out of love with him some time ago, but supported him through the alcoholism because I filed a petition for a divorce, and he went and got help and begged me not to file a motion.

These last three years have been a living hell. I cannot stand to be in the same room with him and I have been sleeping on the sofa for at least 6 months. This marriage lacks affection, from me, especially; and intimacy is almost absent because I lost my desire to even want to sleep with him; yet he goes no where, and continues to think that this is just a phase. It's not! I am not in love with him, and have recently started talking on the phone to another man just to feel a spark of something.

His alcoholism destroyed my feelings for him, and now I feel as if I am only in this because my 7-year-old would be devastated if I left him flat out. It like a marriage for convenience or something, and there isn't much convenience involved to be quite honest. I am not in a happy place in my marriage and have not been for some time now.

He is very insecure and jealous and when I started going to church on a constant basis, he started using accusing language saying that I was having an affair with the men of the church. Just horrible, and I feel as if I should have an affair because anything man saying the right things would feel better than what I have now.

I don't love this man, and have not kissed him in ages. I lost that desire too because the liquor use to come out of his pores and he had this awful stench ... So now I am in a place where I am deprived of intimacy because I don't want to have it with my husband, and do not want to sleep with any other man.

But here lately, I have been feeling that this guy that I talk to on the phone is a good candidate to make me feel whole again. This is all sad, but absolutely the truth!!! I believe his addictive personality that was left over from his alcoholism is the biggest problem other than his insecurity and jealously ... He is horrible to be around on every level...

After he started his recovery from alcohol, he when to another substance which was weed, and he went through every channel imaginable to hide that. Going from one substance to the next is just like changing seats on the titanic--you're still going down! I don't think it will be long before I file for a divorce because I don't trust him either.

He may try to hurt me or something like that because he said to me the other day, "you are gonna get your head busted wide open, you and whoever you messing with." He has no proof, I have never cheated on him, and he has never caught me cheating on him. He is very insecure, and I believe his childhood has a lot to do with how he is shaped. I am not a happy person in my marriage, but I find joy in myself and my little one. This keeps me motivated!!!

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Dec 06, 2011
Been there. Stop feeling guilty and leave him!
by: Anonymous

You have not had an affair but I was in an abusive marriage and so driven was I by my husband's appalling behaviour that I took a scrap of affection from someone else. (Kissed someone when drunk) but this is not the answer. I actually felt much better after simply leaving him. The accusations will not stop if you do this, but at least you will once again be capable of loving yourself! Children are never happy when mum is being abused. You don't want her to learn that this is the sort of behaviour she should expect from men. The logistics of getting out are difficult, but staying is basically throwing your life away. I was given a sign from God that I should leave my marriage. Whether or not it works out with the other man, I think God is trying to tell you something too.

Jul 10, 2011
by: Anonymous

You are trying to justify the emotional affair that you are having. While you are having any type of affair your marriage stands no chance - you start to actually hate your husband. So, either end your marriage or end your affair. I am a therapist and have seen this many, many times.

Jan 27, 2011
Move On
by: Anonymous

If you're that unhappy - move on and start over. Staying in a loveless marriage is pointless and isn't fair on either of you. Your husband may be a drunk, addict and whatever else, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do the right thing, i.e. leave him and end the relationship before pursuing something with someone else. Life is too precious to be stuck in unfulfilling and toxic relationships. End it now and start over. In the long run you'll be glad you did.

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