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My Girlfriend is a Crack Addict, but Claims She Wants Help. What More Can I Do?

by Frank
(New Jersey)

My girlfriend of 15 months, whom I really love and care about, is addicted to crack cocaine, and an alcoholic. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I didn't discover this for 11 months. When I did, I offered to get her help vice a breakup.

She surrendered and went to an Intensive Outpatient program, because the geniuses at social services counted my income in with hers and refused to give her real help because she has no insurance. Anyway, she was drug clean for about 5 months (relapsed on alcohol several times), and just recently she relapsed on crack.

I got her to go to the hospital and detox, but I discovered that she refuses to let go of her past acquaintances, drinking buddies, fellow addicts. I'm tired of the lies and deceit, but I really love and care about her. I know it's the addiction that is the problem.

She goes to AA and NA meetings, in fact I've been to more of those meetings than an addict. She refuses (procrastinates) to work the 12 steps and finds fault with every would be sponsor. She wants the help, but hasn't completely surrendered yet.

The main problem is that she lives with me in my house and it will be very difficult to have her move out because she has no money and nowhere to go. What should I do? I'm so confused..... Answer

Hi Frank

Until your girlfriend truly surrenders to her addiction and comes to terms with having to do whatever it takes to get clean, e.g. work the 12 steps, you're continuously going to be faced with the problems you are now.

One doesn't achieve sobriety half-heartedly. It takes intense commitment and a real desire to want to change, which seems is the key ingredient your girlfriend is missing. And until she gains that desire and commitment to want to change, things are just going to continue as they are.

So you need to make a call, because as much as you care about her and want to help her, it sounds like you could also inadvertently be enabling her. You did the right thing initially when insisting she get help for her drug addiction and alcoholism, but needed to follow through when she started relapsing by creating a clear boundary saying that's not okay.

She knows she can depend on you and that you'll likely be there for her even if she doesn't take her recovery seriously. So I think you need to make it clear to her that unless she starts taking her recovery from addiction seriously by letting go of old using acquaintances, working the 12 steps, and doing the things she needs to to get and stay sober, there is no future for your relationship and she'll have to move out.

Because if you don't put that boundary in place and have very clear consequences for crossing it, she'll just keep lying and manipulating to avoid having to face her problems, and nothing will ever change. I know it isn't easy, but it's important you do that, for your sake and hers.

Good Luck

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Is my ex on crack?
by: Anonymous

I'm glad to share my story with someone because I feel lost. My friend of 30 years and I decided to make a serious committment to each other recently. I have always adored her but never took her serious. I knew she did crack cocaine in the past but now she claims to be clean (on her own accord) for 5 years. I believed her and decided we could make a good couple with a few adjustments in our life. She lives with her mother and a host of other family members. However, Once we decide to become a serious couple, she started telling me about her past relationships in great detail. I told her to leave the past in the past, but she wolud insist on telling me everything. Then she started telling me about her men friends & how they were there for her, even when I wasn't and her need to keep them in her life. Next, came the erattic behavour. Starting arguments and hanging up on me then disappearing for a day or two. When she returned, she claims to have been home and just mad at me and didn't want to talk. I asked her if she was using again. She denied it. My concern is that she has no job and how is she paying for the drugs if not with her body (which she claims has never been the case)or sexual favors. This discusses me. When we are together, I feel she is mystified with sex. We argue over having a 3some with another man and me, Or indulging in a "swinging lifestyle" which I abhor. We broke up a few weeks ago and she's dating someone else already. I can't get over her but she seemed to have no problem getting over me. I thought she loved me but i guess not. Is she back on crack and is this why she is so erractic in her behavour? help!

hey brothers
by: Anonymous

I love my girl, I want to marry her, she's on methadone, but get's into ice and heroin when she can, she's beautiful but she's had a tough life. I don't live with her, because she gets crazy, you know. She just turned thirty, she's been an addict for about 15 yrs. I'm hoping she's ready for transformation. The time seems to be a relevant factor, because they've got to want to do it. I really love her so I'm going to keep doing the same thing, she's got my number and knows where to find me. I'm just going to be patient and hope for the best. If they weren't great girls we wouldn't stick with them, right? I'm going to give it at least 6 months, it's been going on for 5 years now, and she has improved a lot. She works as a prostitute occasionally, but still I love her anyway so I gotta be patient for a while. I couldn't live with her everyday though not until she's clean. I don't smoke or drink or do drugs, I'm hoping to set a good example for her...I'm a fool, but I love her

i feel your pain
by: Anonymous

Sever the relationship and get on with your life while you still have some shred of dignity and sanity. Obviously you have no money and you never will if you stay with her. Get out while you can, and have someone else help you with your decisions about it (outside opinion helped me and I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest once I ended it)

Good luck.

Same problem only she is my fiance.
by: Anonymous

I am undergoing the exact same problem. My fiance just got out of an inpatient rehab. Things were great for a little while, but recently she started drinking. I have been working 12 hour days doing heavy construction, and when I came home today she was no where to be found. My mom (who lives close by) said that she saw her get a cab around 2pm. I have been trying to get in touch with her since I got home at 5pm. It is now 9pm and I still haven't been able to find her anywhere. Her ID is gone and every last penny that we have been saving is gone too. I love her, and want to spend my life with her, but not like this. I am going to call off the marriage pending a real change in her usage. I don't know what else to do. She is ruining her life and mine with it. I can't sit quietly by and watch anymore.

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