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My fiance Needs an Intervention But Her Mom Is In Denial

by Edward
(Allentown PA)

I have always known that my mate had an alcohol problem but only recently I discovered that she was also abusing cocaine.

Things got really bad the last 6 months: she would come home after the bars closed, then wouldn't come home at all, and now I've discovered that she's been having an affair with a known heroin user for the past 2 months.

I changed the locks on her and she's now moved back in with her mom. I've told her mom and we need to have an intervention, to force her daughter to realize that she has a problem and is jeopardy of losing her job and her children.

Her mother has ignored my requests and insists that her daughter is getting better. I'm going nuts because her mom has been a victim of cocaine abuse for years. Her first husband died because of his alcohol and drug abuse and now her daughter is following her father's path.

And meanwhile, her mother continues to deal with her daughter's problems the same way that she addressed her husband's: total denial.

This is all new to me. I've been struggling with my rescue issues and learning the 3Cs has helped me understand that I did not cause my loves addiction, that I can't control it, nor can I cure it. I love my fiance ... well, I suppose ex-fiance now.

Nevertheless, I feel compelled to help. It's hard to turn my back on a loved one, especially knowing that her behaviors that were once being enabled by me, are now being enabled by her mother. How do I motivate everyone involved to conduct an intervention? Answer

Edward it's a tough one because you can't make people do something they don't want to do. If your fiancé's mother thinks the approach she's using is helping her daughter, it's probably going to be difficult for you to convince her otherwise.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't do anything. If you can't perform a 'formal' intervention, it doesn't mean you can't speak to your fiancé and do a mini-intervention of sorts with her.

Find out what she wants from her life and let her know the only way she's going to achieve her dreams and find happiness is to turn her life around. And that she's going to need professional help to do that.

You can remind her of what happened with her father and ask her whether she wants to go down that road as well. All you can do is speak with honesty and truth.

Whether she takes any of that on board is something you have no control over. You rightly pointed out the 3 C's and that essentially you can't cure or control another's addiction. If your fiancé is ever going to get clean, she's going to have to take ownership of her addiction and do whatever it takes to overcome it.

So see if you can talk to her. If her Mom isn't receptive, there's no point on banging your head against the wall. But question your own motives as well and as you put it, your desire to rescue.

It's quite revealing that you still want to help despite everything your fiance has put you through, so you might need to look at whether you face your own codependency issues and get help for that from groups like CoDA. All the Best

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