My Fiance Has Been A Recovering Alcoholic For Over 10 Years, But Still Blames Bad Behavior On Alcoholism

My fiancé for one year, together for 3, had a brief emotional attachment (swears didn't have sex) with a woman he briefly met in another state - then continued a texting relationship for a few weeks then ended it. I found out when she tracked me down and called me.

He admitted it and took responsibility claiming that his alcoholism is the reason for his delusional behavior. He also cheated on his ex ... had a one night stand. Swore he would never do that again and I believe that he believes it would never happen.

So my question is: Is he using his disease as an excuse for bad decision making? And does anyone think he is capable of not cheating? I'm beginning to feel like he may have good intentions but chooses not to keep working on the issues even though he goes to AA, etc. and it's just a matter of time before his "alcoholism causes him to be "delusional" again.

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Your fiance's alcoholism is not causing him to betray your trust, it's him choosing to engage in inappropriate behavior. So using his past is just a convenient excuse, and a way for him to absolve himself of taking any responsibility.

Being drunk or in active alcoholism is no excuse for cheating or other forms of selfish and thoughtless behavior. And even less so when you're in active recovery, so trying to explain away what he's done as 'delusional' is him trying to dig himself out of a hole.

Life is about choices, and your fiancé has quite simply made a very poor one. It's easy to hide behind 'my disease causes me to behave the way I do' but don't be fooled. Sure he may have underlying issues that contribute to him acting unfaithfully or at least inappropriately, but it's his responsibility to address those head on and ensure they stop.

Just because people go to AA, doesn't mean they're actively doing the work required to address their shortcomings. AA provides the support, but it's the 12 steps and a commitment to changing our hurtful and self-destructive ways that creates lasting change.

Don't let your fiancé off the hook on this because until he accepts full responsibility for his behavior without trying to blame it away, he'll always be able to justify what he does as being 'delusional.' Some people are unfortunately just serial cheaters, so you need to be confident that you can trust him 100% before you think about marrying him.

This can't be easy for you so good luck and take care in trying to get this resolved one way or another.

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