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My Fiance Has Been A Recovering Alcoholic For Over 10 Years, But Still Blames Bad Behavior On Alcoholism

My fiancé for one year, together for 3, had a brief emotional attachment (swears didn't have sex) with a woman he briefly met in another state - then continued a texting relationship for a few weeks then ended it. I found out when she tracked me down and called me.

He admitted it and took responsibility claiming that his alcoholism is the reason for his delusional behavior. He also cheated on his ex ... had a one night stand. Swore he would never do that again and I believe that he believes it would never happen.

So my question is: Is he using his disease as an excuse for bad decision making? And does anyone think he is capable of not cheating? I'm beginning to feel like he may have good intentions but chooses not to keep working on the issues even though he goes to AA, etc. and it's just a matter of time before his "alcoholism causes him to be "delusional" again. Answer

Your fiance's alcoholism is not causing him to betray your trust, it's him choosing to engage in inappropriate behavior. So using his past is just a convenient excuse, and a way for him to absolve himself of taking any responsibility.

Being drunk or in active alcoholism is no excuse for cheating or other forms of selfish and thoughtless behavior. And even less so when you're in active recovery, so trying to explain away what he's done as 'delusional' is him trying to dig himself out of a hole.

Life is about choices, and your fiancé has quite simply made a very poor one. It's easy to hide behind 'my disease causes me to behave the way I do' but don't be fooled. Sure he may have underlying issues that contribute to him acting unfaithfully or at least inappropriately, but it's his responsibility to address those head on and ensure they stop.

Just because people go to AA, doesn't mean they're actively doing the work required to address their shortcomings. AA provides the support, but it's the 12 steps and a commitment to changing our hurtful and self-destructive ways that creates lasting change.

Don't let your fiancé off the hook on this because until he accepts full responsibility for his behavior without trying to blame it away, he'll always be able to justify what he does as being 'delusional.' Some people are unfortunately just serial cheaters, so you need to be confident that you can trust him 100% before you think about marrying him.

This can't be easy for you so good luck and take care in trying to get this resolved one way or another.

Comments for My Fiance Has Been A Recovering Alcoholic For Over 10 Years, But Still Blames Bad Behavior On Alcoholism

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I feel for you
by: Anonymous

Wow, do I feel for you. My girlfriend of a year and half posted this link to my face book page. Two reasons, one of the similarity of it, hers & yours experience of it & two me doing the same excuse & used my alcoholism as my excuse. I two, kinda did the same thing. I was writing a girl on FB I have known for several years, just thought it was just simple innocent fun. I crossed the line several times. I never actually physically cheated but I went through the motions. Just as bad. I have been in the program for 25 years. Shame on me right? Im a poor example. I really loved the response you got. So absolutely true! We need to own up & take responsibility for our actions & actually be a part of our own recovery. I my self, haven't been taking that much part in it. Just enough to keep me dry & have a semi self conscience. I'm glad I have done that much. Because before the cat got out of the bag, I was looking at my choices & they were causing us some issues. I needed to resolve it before it destroys my relationship. So about two & half months prior, I decided to stop doing what I was doing. & I have. I have felt a lot better for the choice I made & our relationship " in my opinion" was getting better. She even said that she felt better about us. I had told her that I was doing choices that was causing me a lot of insecurities & I know its affecting us. I want you to know I have made a decision to stop the bad behavior. I just did not go into detail about the what & why. I just had to stop & assure her it will be better. I did that. But now the cat is out of the bag, and I two, started use this alcoholism as my excuse. Trying to dig my way out. Its scary. But I caused this. Why did it come out? Well..I don't know, perhaps me being here is one of them. Even people of long time sobriety can be messed up, there has been many that gone back out never to return. You don't hear about there stories, only the ones that make it back. Can I give you any advice ? No. But I can share my story, I can feel for you. Just like the advice that was given to him, how he needs to make a choice & stick to it & become part of the solution, so do you. Your solution maybe different than his. Only you can decide. My thoughts & prayers for you & thank you for posting your story.


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