My Drug Addicted Son is Out of Control and Blames Me (Mom) for Everything.
He had been doing so well with a great job. But relapse came. I don't know if it was having money to buy drugs, or the stress of working long hours (a 20 yr old working at least 12 hours a day is probably a lot) and then he started to miss work. I knew he was using something again and he has now been fired.
He was totally out of control early this evening. He was threatening to kill himself, me, our family. He said he tried to commit suicide when he was 7 years old in the shower - and it was because of something he blamed me for. I have no idea what it was. I was shocked.
I calmly told him that I was going to have to call the police or have him put on a mandatory hold in a psych unit if he didn't settle down. He was throwing things, and slamming doors, and threw his brief case out in the yard. He said the only one that loves him unconditionally is the dog. He swore at me something fierce.
After about 45 minutes of the insanity, his girlfriend got him settled down and they left to talk.
He is the 3rd of 4 kids. He esp resents his youngest sister, feeling that she has been favored. Admittedly, she is easier to deal with. I must also admit, however, that around age 2, I recognized that he had a very low threshold for frustration and I began to find him increasingly difficult to deal with.
I don't do well when kids are banging their heads against the wall in the crib (true event). Our other children are healthy and they resent him for the problems he has caused. We are all pretty cynical now.
On the plus side, he is VERY intelligent and affable. He knows how to be kind to be people and I would call him generous. Unfortunately, I think there is also a component of mental illness and he is quite lazy when asked to do anything around our house or in his bedroom.
There are no support groups in our area but we have worked in the past with a couple of addiction counselors. He is covered under our insurance policy. I hope someone call help us.
Unfortunately successful recovery doesn't always happen at the first attempt, so relapses are common and not something that should stand in the way of the end-goal, i.e. lasting sobriety. So perhaps thinking of this as another chance for your son to fall so that he learns from the experience will help.
Some of us have to fall and learn the hard way (from our mistakes) more than once. And the way your son responded was hopefully nothing more than the addictive side of his personality talking, which can sometimes mean cruel and hurtful things are said in the moment - because drugs and being intoxicated can bring out very dark sides of our personality.
That doesn't excuse your son's behavior, but hopefully it will help you not to take it too personally. Once sober and given time to reflect, he may well regret what he's said. So right now you need to focus on trying to get your son back on track again.
The fact that he was doing so well for a period means he can do it and there's obviously a large part of him that wants to change and turn his life around. There was obviously stuff that happened that contributed to his relapse (e.g. stress/overwork) - so the key is he learns from those and gets back on track as soon as possible again.
So go back to basics and try have him do what he did the first time around to get clean and get his life on track. Because it obviously worked! Then its a matter of being aware of some of the triggers that led to his relapse so that they hopefully aren't repeated.
Once your son has had some space and been allowed to cool off, talk to him and tell him how well he was doing and that you're proud of what he achieved. Let him know that its okay to make mistakes and that his relapse isn't the end of the world if he learns from it. Then tell him he just needs to repeat what he did to get clean first time around (which he's clearly capable of doing) - learn from what happened - and his life will go from strength to strength.
It seems like right now your son may just need some encouragement and affirmation. If he got clean once he can do it again, so its about getting him into the space where he wants to. And our feeling is that installing your son with some belief, rather than using a hard-handed approach, may be the way to go.