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My Boyfriend of 4yrs who is a Crack Addict Decided He Needed to Get Away from Me. Why? What is he really doing? Should I even care?

by tiacynthia
(ventura, ca)

I was with my boyfriend for 4yrs and the first 2yrs were good. He struggled with his addiction but there was still a willingness and desire to want to change. He showed his love for me and took actions to try to show me he wanted to be with me.

He continually told me he loved me and that if and when he wanted to get married it would be to me. Within the last year and half something changed and he has gone off the deep end, doing drugs, sleeping with random chicks, lying to me but always coming back saying he is sorry and does love me.

He is 38yrs old and has been doing drugs since he was 14. This last year he has treated me with hatred, blame, emotional abuse and it even got to points of some physical abuse. He has decided I make him sick and has gone back to hanging out with his 25yr old friends and drug dealer. I have not heard from him in over two weeks and think he is dating someone else.

Throughout our relationship I took care of him during 3 major back surgeries, I was the only one in his life that believed him and now he wants nothing to do with me. He has blocked me from his email, phone and facebook. Really? Why is he the one who is able to just forget me and not me him?


Hi Tiacynthia

You need to understand that addiction is a crazy, irrational disease that leads to people doing crazy, irrational and destructive things that make no sense whatsoever. So don't beat yourself up about trying to figure out what you've done wrong or why your boyfriend is behaving in the way he is. Unfortunately it comes with the territory when you're in a relationship with an addict.

My big question to you is however - why on earth would you want to commit to someone and be in a relationship with them, when you will always be number two to their drugs, and especially when they start treating you badly as you boyfriend started doing this past year? What do you get out of that apart from a lot of pain, suffering and disappointment?

It sounds like you're a codependent which basically means you suffer from a type of relationship addiction in that you tend to form relationships that are destructive and unhealthy. I think you need to learn how to form happy and loving relationships (which is ultimately impossible to do with an addict) and there is an organisation called CoDA ( that can help you do that.

Because unless you deal with the underlying issues that result in you ending up in destructive relationships like you've just been in, the cycle is just going to repeat itself and you're never going to be able to experience a properly loving and healthy relationship with someone.

So as much as this hurts, use what's happened now with your boyfriend as motivation to start making some changes in your life, that will allow you to find someone who loves and appreciates you in a relationship based on trust and mutual-respect. Because those qualities are simply impossible to develop with someone suffering from an addiction.

Best of luck to you and let us know how you get on.

Comments for My Boyfriend of 4yrs who is a Crack Addict Decided He Needed to Get Away from Me. Why? What is he really doing? Should I even care?

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Sep 24, 2010
Crack hell
by: Anonymous

I totally hear and feel for you. Although I haven't been with my bf that long. We knew each other in highschool and we reconnected. He is so great and I love him so much. But it's the hurt that's killing me. Why can't he just leave it behind? It's no good for him. He tells me not to give up on him etc but why do I hafta sit here wondering where he is if he's ok etc? It's not fair at all and yet I can't hate him. I feel like we were meant to be together. Sometimes he seems so strong and he does so well and then he slides downhill again. He hasn't not come home from work and gone all night or 2 for quite a while now. And so, tonight what happens? He doesn't come home from work and yes it's a payday! I sit here crying and wondering and he's out there no worries not even thinking about me or his teenage daughter! He's just thinking bout himself and the crack! I dunno what to do I love him so much and I know he truly loves me! Please help with some encouragement or suggestions or experiences I'm lost!

Aug 16, 2010
Boyfriend of 4yrs who is a Crack Addict
by: Anonymous

I know you still love your ex boyfriend but, he is happy in what he is doing, believe that because if he weren't he wouldn't be doing drugs. Let me tell you something about crack addicts they don't care about no-one and I mean no-one. Let me explain what crack does to the brain it gives the addict the illusion of a child like reality were their are no rules to follow and worries don't exist. Its like "Alice In Wonderland" they do things without any care or meaning of the consequence of their actions. They simple don't care about no-one period. All they care about is the crack habit. Now, if you really want him to care and love you then be prepared to play the crack game by the masters of malnipulation: termed by addicts. Buy him crack, and he'll tell you exactly what you want to hear him say. He'll love you to death, and you! you will be broke, stolen from, lied to, cheated on, malnipulated by him 24 hours day and night. It will run you crazy at best. Girl, think about it real hard o.k. are you willing to give up your sanity for this crack head ex of yours. Because if you decide to presue him then be prepared for the deep pain that you are about to experience. The killing part is he'll still be be doing what he wants using crack cocain while your going through all this drama. Please, think about it real hard before you jump into something you can't really handle in the end. And think about what your really getting yourself set up for " You'll Need The Lord Before Its Over". Good luck and be "strong minded".

Mar 11, 2010
I still think about my ex and worry that im gonna get a call saying hes dead. I just wan to know if he's ok
by: tiacynthia

thank you so much for the feedback. Its been couple weeks since I wrote the above and about 3weeks since ive heard or talked tomy ex. I did do something that I was doing so well at not doing but I stumbled back into some oldbehavior.I went online to look him up on myspace and facebook.Since hes blocked me I had to create a fake account and I saw that he is just partying and partying making comments about how great his life is but he looks horrible. It has been a few days that i have not donethat but I still miss and worry about him. Is that bad?

Mar 10, 2010
Learn to love yourself
by: C-P

If you learn to love and respect yourself, you'll attract those qualities in a potential partner. Your boyfriend's first love is crack ... so why play second fiddle to that? You deserve better. Follow the suggestions provided because they'll really help you.

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