My Boyfriend is an Alcoholic and Drug User, How Do I Help Him?

by Krystal
(canada)

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years on and off. We have 3 year old twin boys, and a baby boy who is 1 year old. I used to drink but stopped when I was pregnant and decided that I didn't want to drink anymore.

My boyfriend started leaving and not coming back for days at a time, I used to cry to him a lot and to myself. He doesn't help with the boys that much, I kind of feel like a single mother. I told him I would leave him, or told him he had to leave if he didn't stop leaving us. But that never happened, when ever I told him to leave he didn't.

I feel like what he does to me, is wrong but he won't stop. I don't feel like there's anything between us anymore, I feel like we're together for the kids. I grew up without a dad because he was an alcoholic and used to beat up my mom, that's why she left him. My boyfriend is a nice guy, but when he is drunk he is someone else.

He works but he drank his money when he got paid. He has stolen money from me a number of times. He lies about where he's going just so he can leave, I couldn't stop him from leaving if I tried. He tells me he's just going to the corner store and comes back the next morning drunk. I am 25 and he is 27.

I feel like if I had to get out of this relationship, I would have to take the kids and stay wherever till he leaves. I feel like he is controlling my life acting this way, and I want better for my kids. please help. He is also a pot smoker and gets really grouchy if he doesn't have any smoke.

Answer

Hi Crystal

Please read the answer we gave you to your previous question because all the advice given there holds true. You can't help your boyfriend is he doesn't want to be helped ... and if he doesn't want to do anything about his alcoholism then nothing is going to change.

There are three fundamental principles you need to understand in relation to someone your love suffering from alcoholism/addiction (The three C's): 1) You didn't cause their addiction/alcoholism 2)You can't control their addiction 3) You can't cure them of their alcoholism or drug addiction.

So you need to let go of the idea of trying to change someone who doesn't want to change, and focus on your future and doing what is best for your kids. And if that means you need to leave your boyfriend and start over, then that's what you have to do, no matter how hard it seems.

You're young and have got your whole future ahead of you. It's never easy starting over, but you can do it. And trust that in the long run everything will work out for the best.

Take Care.

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