My Battle with Alcoholism

by Stella C
(London)

I am an alcoholic, I can say that now because its gone too far, so there is no longer room for denial. I don't drink everyday and especially can't drink when I have a hang over. But when I do drink, I could empty the off licence.

I drink every week despite me trying not to, normally have a big binge then two days break. I want to stop for my health, I am so envious of people that don't drink - I just don't know how they do it.

I can go through about eight strong cans of beer before I fall into a drunken sleep. It doesn't matter what time of day, or whether I'm on my own or not. But I realize it is affected by my moods. I've had bad depression for five years now since my mum died. Not long after my loss I got pregnant and now my daughter is autistic.

No longer with her dad and with no family round me I spend too much time alone with my daughter, dwelling on things and then I'm off to the shop. I hate the shame I feel, the next day (hangover day) I hate myself soooo much, so angry with myself for getting drunk.

But once the hang over goes, its like I forget what I've been through and how horrible I felt, and I'm off to the shop again. Everything I've ever regretted has been through alcohol, its definitely a whirlwind love-hate relationship.

I've lost a lot of respect for myself, and friends have lost respect for me because I'm always mugging myself off when I'm drunk. I hit a point when I stop remembering, its horrible. I want to get this sorted but I'm not sure how to begin.