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My 19 Yr Old Step Daughter Has a Baby and Smokes Pot . Refuses To Obey House Rules

by W
(San Diego)

19 yr old female returned home with baby after boyfriend physically beat her. Now boyfriend has returned and she sneaks him in house after parents are asleep. When every one is at school or at work they smoke pot in house and eat all the food in the house.

They smoke pot in her room and think we do not know. They refuse to obey house rules. My wife chooses to ignore the issue as it brings her too much stress to confront the 19 yr old girl as she get aggressive and belligerent. They do not contribute any thing to the house hold and only use and abuse.

They have a baby and parents pay for most expenses. How do we get her out? They met in rehab 2 yrs ago and now the situation is almost back to where it was before rehab. They are back to same patterns of using and not contributing. It is putting a lot of pressure on our marriage.

We also have another 14 yr old that is watching all this and learning that she can manipulate the parents. Also another daughter returned home (21 yr old) and she abuses alcohol and is financially irresponsible. My wife thinks it is her fault as a single parent so she enables their behaviors and chooses to not be proactive as she is afraid of them. Answer

There need to be set boundaries put in place with clear consequences for breaking them. An effective way of doing so is drawing up a contract, listing all the rules/expectations - and then what the consequences are for breaking them, e.g. will have to move out. Everyone signs it and then there can be no disagreement if expectations are not met.

But that's something you and your wife need to buy into and agree to. It's no point putting something in place to deal with your step-daughter's pot smoking and irresponsible behavior, if you're not both prepared to follow through.

So you need to get your wife onside. Explain to her that if your step-daughter is old enough to have a baby, she's old enough to start learning about taking responsibility for her life. But unless you two are both in agreement and prepared to enforce consequences, you're wasting your time.

19 years olds can be hard to deal with at the best of times, so your expectations need to be fair and reasonable. She still needs to have a certain amount of freedom and independence to find her way, but having that within clearly defined boundaries so she learns about responsibility and values will hopefully help. There is unfortunately no easy way of handling this, but the most important thing is for you and your wife to come to an agreement on the best way forward.

Best of Luck

Comments for My 19 Yr Old Step Daughter Has a Baby and Smokes Pot . Refuses To Obey House Rules

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Setting some boundaries for yourself first...
by: Anonymous

The man I was engaged to started bringing his oldest daughter to stay with us in my home. She was busted for marijuana possession 3 months ago and was arrested this week for dealing at school. One of the students she gave her pills to overdosed and my fiance's daughter was arrested for dealing. I am glad he was honest with me about the events that took place, but I told him his daughter is no longer welcome and that I would give him a couple of weeks to find a new place to live. He left with his daughter that night. Her behavior caused a lose lose situation for me and my fiance. If I were to allow her to stay we would be dealing with these same issues 10-15 years down the road. And since I won't let her stay, our relationship is over. The daughter is really messed up but her BS has broken her father's and my heart. For anyone who is a step parent, it is ok to have boundaries and get these trouble kids help. If that doesn't work, its time to throw them out and change the locks. It sounds like it maybe time to set some real boundaries for yourself concerning your wife and that may include divorcing her and moving on with your life. Good Luck

Update 2 yrs later
by: Anonymous

Situation continues and Pot smoking continues. CPS closed case as she under their eye but they closed the case and she went right back to old behaviors. Her mother continues to enable...

Got fed up
by: Anonymous

Turned drug abuser into CPS. If she will not respect house rules then let the authorities deal with her. She still does not contribute to the household in any way. Is verbally abusive and watches TV and stays on internet all day. Ignores her toddler and is not fit to be a parent. Children having children. The enabling from her mother continues...

Update on situation
by: W

Same daughter has now turned 20 and continues with the same behavior. Does nothing to contribute to house except smoke pot and watch TV all day. She smokes pot in same room as sleeping baby. She has been back and forth with boyfriend and always returns to safe haven and then after time returns to the idiot that got her pregnant and uses drugs with her. My wife still enables the behavior and does not confront her as she think as long as she is here she is safe. My wife is a fool and as long as she enables the behavior it will continue and we will foot the bills for her bad illegal behaviors. All parents POT is not harmless as it leads them to aw subversive under world of negative behavior and attitudes with loser for friends. It should not be legalized as it is not a harmless recreational drug. It destroys families and lives. The 20 yr old has introduced her 15 yr old sister to it and now as parents we are paying the price of another life destroyed by POT. It is not an issue that we should take lightly, America is in decay of liberal ideologies that allow harmless social pass times as drug recreation. What a crock of shit that it is a harmless drug. If it is used as medicinal then as a prescribed drug it is abused as many others are. I am witness to many lives destroyed by drug use and lives wasted by drugs and alcohol abuse. Teach your children to not use drugs or alcohol as there is no positive gain in doing so.

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