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Lost to Alcohol - How It's Destroyed My Family

by Michael Bland
(Monticello, MN USA)

When we were young and loving

When we were young and loving

I am sitting here crying about a loss, shaking because I am so isolated, I was arrested several weeks ago for domestic violence, when I was released from jail the judge told me I couldn't go home, couldn't have any contact with my wife and children, not even by third party means.

Yesterday my wife filed for an Order of Protection, this will be for two years, I can't go home for two years, if she decides to stay in the house. I can't talk to my children, nor most other family members who still communicate with them. The torture of alcoholism has plagued my family for over seven years now. Tearing the emotional attachments apart and laying waste to the love we built on for over 22 years. I have a son, 19, he is so indifferent to this whole mess that he won't talk about it, he's also afraid that if he talks to me I might end up back in jail.

My 16 year old daughter has decided to stay with her mother, because her mother tells her that she is all she has left. The OFP filed includes my daughter, she will not talk to me either. Most of my wife's family is against me and I believe would like to see the worst things happen, i.e. my family break up, the dis-allusion of my marriage, you know, typical stuff.

I love my wife dearly, we often talked about our vows and how "for better or worse" was important in understanding that we had to work at keeping it together. Of course alcohol has broken down that vow and opened the flood gates of animosity and disgust. I regret hitting my wife, it was a loss of control provoked by a drunk who didn't understand what she was doing....

That's right I am not the alcoholic, my wife is. In my attempts to help her I have failed her, and now because of the domestic charges I will loose her and my kids. I wasn't strong enough to do an intervention, which I should have done long ago, but those who profess to love her, (her sisters) wouldn't come to her aid, they still to this day enable her to keep drinking. My children enable her to keep drinking.

I have pleaded with the advocates who work diligently to destroy my family in the name of stopping abuse, to put her into treatment, all they do is help her to get away, they don't do any assessment of her condition other than her physical condition, not her mental state.

Honestly it is my wife who has been abusive, verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically with I and my children. Day after Day she would fall into a drunken rant and target whoever was near. That is why I was arrested, I wasn't strong enough to walk away from her, and in the hurt and pain of her verbal attacks I broke down and lost control. She wasn't hurt in the incident because I called the police, knowing that they would protect her from me. And they did.

Now because of my own actions I have set into motion the destruction of my family and our lives together, and the alcoholic walks away unfettered and able to continue her addiction unabated. It is hard for me to see tomorrow in any way other than utter darkness. I am lost.

Comments for Lost to Alcohol - How It's Destroyed My Family

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Dec 03, 2012
Another Shot Of Jack
by: Anonymous

I wrote this song years ago,I put in on you tube to share with you to view it go to cookbab song title is Another Shot Of Jack Dave Babcook

Apr 07, 2012
I, too, am guilty of domestic abuse
by: Alicia

I understand your pain over having lost control and hit your wife. I was violent towards my husband as well during one night when his drunken behavior became too much for me too handle. This disease hurts our souls. I saw myself becoming someone I never wanted it to be and in the end, the violence helped free me. My sympathy goes out to you.

Feb 04, 2011
I too have suffered.
by: Steve

I married a woman that is 7.5 years older than me and was involved with a previous marriage. He left her for another woman she said. She had no kids nor I. This is my first marriage. I needed to feel like I was a part of a family because I never had much of one so I put my heart into it and after about 6 months of knowing her we got pregnant. We got married a month after the birth I'm embarrassed to admit because we couldn't find her ex to get the divorce papers signed. Everything for the most part though was pretty good. She did show me a couple signs of alcoholism now that I look back. I didn't look hard enough at the signs at the time and I guess I felt, hey I'm a great guy that really wants this to work so everything will work out. After we got married a month later I came home and everything was gone. I thought I was robbed. I called a cop and he informed me I was being served with a restraining order. She claimed abuse and forced sex. It was for one year. I was 25 at the time and I fealt like maybe I did something wrong. I felt that even though the claims against me were false I figured there had to be something wrong with me since I felt alone most of my life. I went to a couple of lawyers and they looked at me like "good luck". A week later she contacted me an apologized. She said her older bi-polor sister now living in a residential care facility put her up to it saying these things and that even the court woman who writes up the order of protection advised her to be colorful to make sure the judge puts it through. She claimed post partum made her off balanced and we she keep trying to make it work. I did. Yea you guessed it. Just over a year later we had our son. It all started again. This time the drinking got real bad because her mom died before the baby's birth. I got a whole buch to say but since these posts are over a year old I don't know if anybody is going to read my post. If the author of this story wants to contact me please feel free. Thank you.

Nov 10, 2009
by: Sherri

I am praying for you and your family. There are years and years of abuse attached to this story, your life. There must be as many if not more years of healing and recovery.Right now the law says you are severed from your family, the only thing you have known for 22 years. It will take time, but you must let God work on getting you better now and let Him take care of the others. He won't push His way in, you have to invite Him. Read a pamphlet called "My Heart, Christs Home". Our purpose is to glorify God in all we do; all we do has to be exposed before it can be forgiven and we are humbled enough to ask for God's help. You are on your way. Love you; Sis

Nov 10, 2009
Let go and let God
by: John

I thought I was agnostic but I found that during times like these we have to let go and let God work in our lives. It takes a higher power than us to help an alcoholic. Who can afford a rehab clinic these days? You really didn't fail her, we all have our limits and the alcoholic is a master of manipulation and testing others limits. Hope you find peace and forgive yourself.

Nov 09, 2009
John and C-P
by: Michael B

I do hear what you are saying and I am going to survive this, it is my only purpose now. I am broken, my mind struggles with utter saddness, I wanted to fix things, go back to that time in the picture when we a loving family. Now I can only hope that someone else will save my wife from her addiction, I have failed to do this for her. I know it is not my fault, that she can only help herself, but I feel remorse for what I have done and what I couldn't do, and that is save her. I pray to God that some light will shine in my window and let me see the purpose in all of this. Thanks for all your support, I do appreciate it.

Nov 09, 2009
You R Strong...Hang on
by: John Cowlishaw

You have tolerated more mental torment than most people have a clue. I personally went through the same circumstances as you so I can understand your battle and share the disappointment at the negligence of the court system and her family to see and take action against the real villain in this case "the powerful addiction and her resistance to help". Yes, I took a significant financial hit, but I managed to hang on to my job and find some peace of mind and tranquility without the alcoholic living with me. Be very careful, she will try to come back to you and you will have to endure years more of abuse and false charges and threats of false charges! Even though you are putting your family first and being a good man.
Nobody cares in the legal system...So concentrate on taking care of yourself and YES the al-anon literature and support is helpful. You will have a chance to protect your children from situations she may lead them into if you can open a line of communication to your son first. Just don't talk about his mom. Let him bring up the subject. The same with your daughter. Just let them know you love them.

Nov 08, 2009
by: C-P

Hi Michael

Yours is such a heartbreaking story. I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. Sometimes thing happen that make no sense at all. You may be lost for now - but it won't always be that way. Eventually the darkness will begin to pass and light will enter again. Your kids I'm sure will eventually understand and come to realise what's going on. It's only now that my sister and I realise how manipulative my mother used to be in her days of active alcoholism - and so somehow we always mistakenly saw my father as the cause and one to blame for everything. Alcoholism is such a cunning and manipulative disease and it's playing out exactly what way with your wife and what she's done. Look at getting yourself to a few Al Anon meetings, I'm sure you'll find comfort and support from the people there. Surrounding yourself with good people will make it a little bit easier to get through this. Remember nothing in life is permanent (except death) - so as hopeless as things seem now, things will change again, so it's important that you don't lose hope that you'll find happiness and be re-united with your kids again. God Bless

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