Just Married ... and Just Found Out My Husband's Using Cocaine

by Lee
(Chicago)

I've been married for 2 months now and just found out my Husband has been using cocaine. I've never been around drugs and not sure what to do at this point. I know he's been taking xanax and other pills for a long time but cocaine is new to me.

I'm embarrassed to even be writing this and can't believe this is an issue, but at this point any advice or suggestions would help. I married a man I was so much in love with, but ever since the wedding he's been playing video games, doing drugs, and completely disconnected from me.

I don't know if I should tell his parents, they would probably just send him away for 6 months to rehab and is that the best thing for him? I'm afraid to say anything to anyone or his family members out of fear that he will divorce me.

But is that maybe something I should consider ... should I even be with a man that's using drugs? Our relationship is suffering and has been suffering since the wedding. I don't understand it, we were so happy on our wedding day and now everything has fallen to pieces.

I don't know how to look at him and believe in him anymore. I am falling out of love when I should be at one of the happiest times in my life. We were together for 2 & 1/2 years before we got married and don't feel as though we rushed into things ... I thought I knew him, I thought I knew the man I was marrying. But finding a gram of cocaine in his coat pocket is not what I was expecting life to be like as newly-weds.

He promised it was a one time thing 2 weeks ago, but then last night I found the coke in his pocket, so now what? I don't believe or trust him anymore. How can you have a relationship if you don't trust them anymore.

I think I'm in more denial about the issue than he is ... I can't believe this is happening. We both come from nice families, and have never struggled financially ... so why drugs? It seems like such a waste of a life and I'm having trouble dealing, please help!

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Hi Lee. You have to do everything you can to nip this in the bud immediately, because if you don't, this is all likely to get much worse and your marriage will disintegrate before your very eyes.

And the only way to do that is to give your husband the choice. He needs to clean up his act and quit using cocaine (with help if necessary) - or your marriage has no future. That has to be a non-negotiable and you have to be clear that he has one chance at this.

Because if you don't that and aren't totally clear about what your boundaries and expectations are, you're setting up yourself up for immense heartache, pain and disappointment. You didn't knowingly marry someone who was a cocaine user, so having to tolerate that isn't something you have to do.

Any successful relationship is based on trust and honesty, which clearly hasn't been prevalent from your husband's side. So as much as you love him, you're going to have to be firm about this. And don't allow him to manipulate you into thinking it's no big deal, or make empty promises that he'll handle it. Because that's what drug users do.

Don't feel either this is something to be kept a secret, because that just makes the situation worse. Your husband needs to be held accountable, so telling his parents is definitely something you should do. And make sure you speak to family and friends close to you as well, because you need your own support structure to deal with this.

So you need to find the strength to act, and act now. Because it isn't just going to go away. Be strong, make your boundaries very clear to your husband that any form of drug use is not something you're going to tolerate, and that he either straightens himself out or there is no way your marriage is going to survive.

If he does need professional help to deal with his cocaine use, encourage and be supportive of that, but cleaning up his life has to be a non-negotiable.

Take Care and Good Luck

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