Just Broke Up with my Alchoholic Boyfriend and Having a Really Hard Time Not Blaming Myself.
We have been dating and living together for 8 months. When I met him he drank like a fish day and night. Also popped pills and who knows what else. He even had a episode where within one month of being together I was fed up, and tried to break it off.
He sat outside my door and cried and drank a bottle of jack. He kept texting he was going to kill himself. I went out worried to find him where he was pulled (by me) off a 3 story building leaning over the edge almost falling off. I called the police scared he would kill himself.
He got drunk in public and 12 hours in drunk tank to sober up. He was always sorry, always crying or doesn't remember. Later, tried to leave him again, and he sent me a stream of texts saying no one will ever love me, go kill myself, I am ugly, fat, old, boring etc. etc. He later apologized in tears saying he didn't mean it, just was hurt and trying to hurt me.
Over 8 months, episodes such as the calling names when drunk or mad go on and on. Lies about pills and drinks he tried to hide from me, I eventually got sucked into yelling back, and calling names too, and being totally immature. We got to the point where I demanded he drink only a glass of wine here and there.
No hard anything, to he wasn't allowed to drink at all or I would leave him. He would go sober for weeks and be everything I wanted and more. Then sneak some, or start a fight then go get wasted. He has thrown things, broken things, taken my keys, money, wallet , purse and belongings to irritate me, make me mad, and or keep me from leaving.
I would leave for a couple hours to get away from him yelling, but it always made it worse. We got multiple noise complaints from neigbors etc. He would punch holes in walls, block me from leaving, grab my arms., hold me down, scream and yell in my face. I would yell back and tell him I am miserable, I hate him, etc. then would go through times of loving, happy, normal, totally rational ... then a burst of crazy.
Last straw was he was acting mean, so I left and he called the police and falsely accused me of hitting him. Twice in one night. I spent the night at the station trying to convince them I didn't touch him and he is an alcoholic. They ended up arresting him! Got another drunk or whatever, case was dropped. But when he got out of jail, blamed me! When he was the one who called and lied about me hitting him!
He cooled off and later begged to come back and change. Told me sob stories about his past and within a day ... another fight. He ended up leaving and taking some stuff. I have texted him alot, and called. For some crazy reason want to talk to him. Tell him I feel bad for it all.
I feel like I played into it by also called names and yelling and being mean. By all the stuff I did to make it worse? or perpetuate it? I could have tried harder to show more affection? or things he complained about. I was really stand offish and pushed him away alot. Was so tired from all the fights and drinking. Now he won't answer any calls or texts. at all. no word at all.
I heard he is moving in with a druggy, drinking friend, and as I type is past out in a pill and alcohol induced sleep. Told a friend he isn't coming back here, doesn't want to talk to me cuz I put too much pressure on him, ... and its over. The rejection from him after all I have been through is difficult to bare. He has put me through so much.
I tried to get him on track. Not drink, go to school, I cooked dinner, cleaned, bought him clothes, gave him my heart, and body and soul. And I feel like a big f u. He doesn't care suddenly. No word, no nothing. I feel sad, and upset. Why do I care so much when he doesn't?
I am older than him. 32. He is 24. I feel like, here I go again. single. Older, time running out, and I gave so much to this guy that went from " loving" me soooo much, needed to be with me, wanted me around every second, wanted to cuddle and love on me every minute, to just letting go completely after 8 months. And blaming me for it all somehow. I feel like he never loved me, and within 2 days went from telling me love to not saying a word, not caring at all. Terribly painful
You've been in an emotionally abusive relationship and so instead of being relieved your relationship is over, you're questioning yourself?
Just think about that. Think about what your relationship would be like in another 3 months, 6 months, a year. Things would be even more messy, the emotional rollercoaster infinitely worse, and your self-esteem even more shot.
You need to understand that having a healthy, mutually supportive relationship based on respect and trust is impossible with a drug addict. It has nothing to do with you. It's simply due to the fact that for an addict, drugs will always be number one, and everything in their life a distant second.
Not to mention all the insanity that accompanies being in a relationship with a drug addict - lies, manipulation, emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse, guilt trips, empty promises etc etc. Is that the kind of relationship you want?
No one can help your boyfriend until he decides to help himself. He has to want to get clean and turn his life around. And if he's not ready to do that - nothing you say or do will make him. So stop blaming yourself and accept that this is a life he has chosen for himself - and the power lies with him to choose differently by getting help and doing what it takes to turn his life around.
Your need to want to rescue him sounds like a key sign of codependency
... and until you learn to love yourself and develop healthy relationships, getting into toxic relationships is a pattern that will likely repeat itself. Everything happens for a reason, so see this break up as a blessing, and use it as an opportunity to work on yourself so that you can start making healthier relationship choices in future. Good Luck.