I'm 24, Female, and I Think I've Been an Alcoholic for 10 years. Help!
As I said, I am a 24 year old female. I had a rather depressing childhood and family situation, but was brought up well and am quite intelligent and a genuine, down to earth person. I also have anxiety and depression issues and see a psychologist.
I was 14 when I started to drink. At 15 years old I was drunk once a week. At 17 years old I was using a fake ID (drinking age is 18 in Australia) to get into clubs. I would get so drunk I would wake up naked in strangers houses. SEVENTEEN!
This continued, I had relationships but they would all end either due to my mental health or my excessive drinking or what-have-you. At times I would be blind drunk on cask wine 4 nights a week and hungover as hell the other 3. Without booze I am boring, when I drink I am instantly relieved in 2 drinks. But I cant stop at 2 of course.
Some nights I am okay but I never know when its going to spiral out of control. In the last 2 weeks I have lost two cell phones, my ID, then my passport. Last night I went out (Sunday night) and drank a whole bottle of red before I even left the house - and then I scarcely remember what happened except that a bouncer wouldn't let me in to a club.
I started to push him and I think he hit me cause I have a massive egg on my chin and my jaw is really sore. I was crying in the gutter and a nice guy came up to me (who was also blind drunk) and I went home with him. I woke up and he drove me home thank god and I think wants to see me again and doesn't realise that last week I did the same thing with a 19 year old boy. Van you believe it??? It's absolutely appalling.
I don't drink every day and nor do I always do this behaviour but I was broken up with a month ago and now feel empty and depressed. But I always drink twice a week without fail usually and when I do I have at least 9 drinks.
I am NOT RELIGIOUS and nor will I or could I ever be. Its just not going to happen. So I'm really not sure how to tackle this. I've turned into a monster and I hate myself. My life is lacking but I don't know how to fill it. I don't know who I am and I'm jumping from skin to skin. I don't even like sex either. I just do it. Sober I'd never even introduce myself to anyone let alone pounce on them at clubs.
Also the other night when I was out I walked up to a guy and basically propositioned him and he was like "I can't sleep with you I'm seeing someone" and I said well can I just sleep on your floor?? Jesus. HELP ME.
No-one else can help you. You've got to want to help yourself. If you really do and are prepared to make an effort to change, there is no secret to beating alcoholism. Get professional help, ideally by going through an alcohol rehab
program - and then finding a recovery program to work at that will help you maintain your sobriety.
All it requires is willingness. Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't unfortunately help. But getting angry and disgusted with yourself can be a good start because it can motivate you into taking action and making the effort required to begin the process of change. Because nothing will change unless you take the steps to set those wheels in motion.
Not sure why you bring up religion, because that has absolutely nothing to do with whether a person can get sober. For some people it helps, but that's neither here nor there. So the ball really is in your court, because as long as you find an excuse to keep drinking, your life is going to continue to spiral out of control. Achieving sobriety is ultimately all about letting go of excuses and being prepared to do whatever it takes.
A lot of your behaviour is rooted in low self-esteem, and one of the benefits of going through a rehab program is that you'll begin the process of intensive counselling that addresses the underlying causes that led to your alcoholism. And for many alcoholics, alcohol is a crutch used to mask things like low self-esteem, depression and anxiety. So what you're going through is not unusual.
The bottom line to all this is that you really have to want to change if you're going to turn your life around. There is plenty help available to you if you do - and so the choices is yours whether you're going to do something, or continue with your self-destructive path. But nobody else can make it happen for you. So make the right decision now and save yourself years of future pain and torment. You can do this!