If My Partner Stopped Drinking - Would He Be Able to Focus on His Home Life?

by Louise
(UK)

I don't get angry with him any more I just feel an overwhelming sadness, for someone who is basically a kind person but one who has suffered as a child, has now developed coping behaviours and is unable to control a disease called alcoholism that could shorten his life. I feel sad because I finally found someone I really love but he isn’t alone, he has alcohol as a friend.

I know that if life continues as it is now, I won't be able to live like this forever. It's a lonely place knowing that your partner is not in control of their own life and is therefore, unable to offer any support to those they love. He is so wrapped up in his own world, he hasn’t got the ability to see or give anything to anyone else.

I feel that I’m always the sensible one, working out and planning what we should do about the various ups and downs of life. I'm always the one trying to live in a responsible way, but my partner has a cavalier approach to life and pushes away in any negatives, saying if it hasn’t happened yet don’t worry. Is this the alcoholic person speaking or is this the real person?

He works hard at his job but put no effort into our home life. Is this the drink changing him or is it that he really can't be bothered? My partner works very hard in a physical job and works six days a week, but other than going to the pub he has little interest in anything else. Getting him to do anything at home is a nightmare. If something needs doing, I have to do it myself or (as he puts it) nag him until the job is done.

Why does he have no focus for his life at home? He tells me he loves me dearly and he loves our home, but he puts little effort into making nice. He takes no pride in our garden, but gardens are his business.
Is this the alcohol drawing all of his attention or is this just him? If he wasn’t drinking would he have more energy for those around him? I know that I have to be prepared not to like the real person (if he ever shows himself) and that it may not be the alcohol.

If I make the decision to leave it will be with the knowledge that the alcohol may win. If he decides to seek help will it be because he wants to, or because he is scared he might lose everything he has ever wanted.

I found my tall dark handsome prince, but he came with a curse. Do leave him to protect myself and my daughter or do I stay and fight on?

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Answer

Hi Louise

Whether your partner would change into the person you hope and put more effort in around the house etc. should he quit drinking and start to lead a life of sobriety, is impossible to say.

Alcohol is a depressant and so alcoholics do tend to lose interest in things that don't provide them with the opportunity to drink - hence his only real interest right now involves spending time at the pub. But some people are also just lazy, and sober or not, have no real interest in making an effort around the house or taking any initiative when it comes to doing things.

However speculating what things would be like should your partner overcome his alcoholism, doesn't really help right now. If he were to commit to a life of sobriety and make the effort to really change, you would think that he would develop other interests and spending time together would become more enjoyable.

But if he doesn't think he has a problem and so doesn't want to even consider doing something about his alcoholism, you need to get honest with yourself as to whether this is the kind of relationship you really want for yourself. Because you can't force your partner to change, and so if things continue as they are, will you really be happy?

No one can tell you what to do, so you need to have a real long think about your future and what you really want, irrespective of what your partner does/doesn't do. If he doesn't want to quit drinking he's not going to, so you either have to make peace with that, or make the decision to move on if you don't feel you're getting what you really want from the relationship.

Good Luck with whatever you decide.

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