I Was Supposed to Check into Rehab this morning...
(Santa Ana, CA)
...I'm still sitting here on this computer. Scared to freaking death. I am a very strong woman who can face anything that life throws at me. Except this. I want to be clean. I want the life that I dream about. The one that includes my children, a home, a car, money in the bank, food in the fridge and SLEEP. Most importantly, I want to be proud of who I am. Being a slave to this f*%@ing drug is destroying me.
So why am I so full of fear and anxiety? I've been clean before, 5 years once, 18 months the other. I know how great it feels. The hump that I need to get over to begin recovery is sky high.
Why can't I just take that step?
UGH! I hate myself!
P.S. I am court ordered to go into a drug program by the way.
There's a great book called, 'Feel the Fear, but Do It Anyway.' What you're feeling is normal. The unknown, the doubt, the questions ... means feeling fear under the circumstances is perfectly natural.
As we grow and make positive progress through life - it's not that the fear disappears, we simply have to show courage and act despite our fears, and in doing so we gain confidence that we can achieve the things we desire, despite those fears.
Courage is having the ability to act, despite the fear. You seem like a woman with plenty of courage. So acknowledge your fear - but do what you know you need to do anyway. And with time, you'll realise that the fear isn't such a big deal anymore and everything will become easier.
You've done this all before - you can do it again.Rehab
is the start of your journey to achieving all the things you mentioned. Embrace the experience, commit to doing everything they teach you, and let this be the start of a new life for you.
Good Luck and God Bless