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I Was Let Go Again From Another Job: How Alcohol is Destroying My Life

Hi. I am 28 yrs old and am sure anyone reading this has read something similar. Not that my story is so exceptional but since I was let go on Friday May 7th, 2010 - I have some time to blog.

I started drinking heavily around age 22. I thought I was going through a party phase, problem is --- I never came out of it. I never really thought I had a problem till past couple of years.

Even people I partied with stopped hanging out due to how out of control I became. I just felt like I was like everyone else --- sure, everyone gets drunk at times and gets a dui, or has their money stolen -- or might get taken advantage of by some male -- or blacks out. This way of life has been just that, my normal way of life.

I have had around 40 jobs since I was 15. I have been fired or let go for nearly half of them. I didn't understand cos sure here and there I call in - but for for most part, I go on a bender after work and come into work -- albeit all hazed and still hung over or possibly drunk but I am there.

So, anyways, I thought I had things under control. After my 2nd dui, getting pregnant (placing baby for adoption), losing countless friends, apartments, jobs ... I still managed to pull myself up ... look decent and move on.

But I am at the end now, I started drinking again about 6 months ago. It started with just hanging out, going to a pub .... but then, it took a new swing .... I started to drink a pint of vodka alone by myself once a week ... then it became 2-3 times a week sometimes mixing it with wine.

Over past 3 months, I got a brand new job as assistant manager at an apt complex. Within 2 months was promoted to manager so I must be doing something right but was let go. I don't know if this one had anything to do with drinking as I only missed 2 days and worked my but off. They claimed it was a lay off.

But still, over past 2 months, I have drank to to the point of total black outs, damaging my car again (don't even remember. Driving intoxicated to go get more alcohol. Inviting strangers from the internet over to my house.

The most recent was going to a bar, and my entire purse -- all money stolen along with all IDs/ I awoke with a stranger who claimed nothing happened but one can never know in an black out state. I can't believe it. I despise myself.

I have risked the lives of so many people ... and myself. I have ruined several cars. Lost people. Lost my self respect - been in jail 3 times. Arrested for disorderly conduct, was involved in a physically abusive relationship .... all of this since 2004.

In 6 years I have managed to devastate my credit. Lost all respect from family. I am now without a job, have 10 days to vacate my apartment, nowhere to go. And I have another cat I will have to re-home.

What in the world is wrong with me? My family is all spread out and my brother is the only person near. He won't let me live with him. I didn't drink when I found out I was fired but I know it's lurking around the corner.

I have to go get tested for diseases as I don't know what happened with this strange male on the last encounter and there have been several - and can only pray I wasn't raped and am not pregnant, Got pregnant before by my abusive psychotic boyfriends... believe he is in jail now for 3rd dui.

Anyways, this is just a small scope. There is way more to this story -- I feel so insane and hopeless. I am an attractive girl but this life is chipping away at it. I can't keep pace doesn't help that I am always doing things on my own.

I am terrified of killing someone while drinking and though I vow to not drink -- the urge is present. I am afraid for each day. It's been 12 days since I have had anything to drink and I feel like failure.

Any thoughts?

UnemployedAgain and headed for the streets

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Action Leads to Change
by: C-P

Thanks for sharing. Nothing happens if nothing happens. Only by you acknowledging your problem, realising you can't beat it alone, and then getting proper help for it - will you eventually overcome your self-destructive tendencies. Because your problem is alcoholism and you need to take total responsibility for doing whatever it takes to turn your life around. You're right in saying you're playing with fire currently, in that something could soon go horribly wrong if you don't do something. So don't wait, take action now. Get yourself into a treatment program, make an effort to get to AA and commit to the fact that you're going to have to work hard at changing if you're going to beat this. No excuses, no complaints. You can do this, but get help. Trying to do it alone is not wise. You've had the realisation it's time to make changes before you or someone else possibly gets hurt. There may be no second chance, so don't wait. Good Luck!

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