I Beat two of the Worst Addictions ( Heroin & Crystal Meth ) but now a Medication my Doctor gave me has Knocked me back down to the floor and this time I'm Dying but still can't get up.
I will first start off by introducing myself, my name is Nicole and I have been a struggling addict for the last five years of my thirty-two that I have been alive. I was really never educated on the facts of drug addiction because it simply didn't happen to normal people such as myself, or so I thought.
I experienced the biggest reality check I think there was in a position such as mine. I grew up with my mother, she was and still is my best friend. My father was around but he is more like a stranger than a parent or friend. My whole life I was the " fat " kid, because of that I had few friends throughout school.
I have suffered with depression from as far back as I can remember, because of that and all the attempts to kill myself I was put into dozens of mental hospitals. Looking back now, starting from the first attempt I took on my life, it was never really that I wanted to die but it was I wanted attention. I am still not sure of what type of attention I wanted or expected to receive from such a foolish act but I do know I did not want to die.
I can't really pinpoint where it all went wrong cause in a way I feel there was always something not normal about me as a person. I was an honours student up until the ninth grade, for some reason when I entered high school I gave up all the dreams I ever had about my future plans of going to collage and becoming a marine biologist. I dropped out before the end of the first semester of my freshman year.
Even in that time period, I still did not use drugs, smoke cigarettes, or take a sip of alcohol. And it wasn't that it was never put in front of me because it was many times. Why I never tried drugs then was because I had no desire to do so, there was no sort of temptation whatsoever.
I'm going to move ahead a couple of years because if I stay this pace I will never be able to finish. So much to tell! Couple of years after dropping out and doing absolutely nothing productive with my life I started dating a man who we will just call " J " . He was an awesome guy and I quickly fell in love with him. The relationship prior to him was abusive and " J " was like an angel that saved me from getting knocked around everyday. Our relationship had its up and down like all relationships do but for the most part things were good. I remember then how unhappy I was because of the routine of life.
Be careful for what you wish for cause it isn't always better on the other side. SO TRUE! " J " did have a heroin addiction for many years but when we got together he stopped. We were together five years before I found a needle in his jeans one day while doing laundry. He tried to give all the excuses there were but he knew that I knew what was up. Shortly after that I went and got a procedure done called gastro-by-pass. I was overweight and this was going to be the answer to everything. It ended up becoming the worst mistake I ever made, each month I was loosing weight and gaining more and more confidence in myself.
Six months after my surgery I again was doing the dirty laundry and found another needle. It may sound nuts but I was totally heart broken, I compare to how I felt that day to how a woman feels when she catches her man making out with another guy.
When he got home we had one big fight and by the end of that night I had snorted a bag of heroin. I couldn't compete with a drug, another woman maybe, but not a drug! That's what was going through my mind the first time I used. That was the first time I ever used any type of drug in my whole life but not the last....
From then on we used together everyday, things progressed fast and soon I was also using a needle to get high. Then not to long after that we started breaking the law daily just to get us " well " until the next day came. By that time I didn't have to worry about being the " fat " one in the room anymore because I was severely underweight. I was then called a walking skeleton.
Then " J " ended up going to prison for five years. The day he was arrested was the very last day I touched that drug, I went cold turkey and I still am drug free from heroin. I think about it now and I get physically sick. He was only locked up about three months before I DID meet the LOVE OF MY LIFE and its name was crystal meth.
First time I used it I was hooked and I was not stopping for no one not even my mother. I became an evil person and I cared about no one but my drug. It only took about a year or so before I went too far with my addiction. I committed some bad crimes that handed me a year in the womens state prison.
As far as meth is concerned, I am unable to say I hate it because there is a part in me that loves that drug and wants nothing more then to be apart of it again. But so far I have been able to keep that piece of me buried deep inside of me and I don't plan on letting it out ever again. If I did there is one simple fact and that is I will not stop again until it takes my life away.
After I was released from prison I was able to stay clean about one week before I became an alcoholic for about three months. During that time I was blacked out every day by noon and those three months are like a big blur in my memory. Again one day I woke up and decided not to drink any more so I didn't. That simple
Then one day at my head doctor he wrote me a prescription for a drug called addorall because he said I had a.d.h.d I did not know that this drug was a legal version of the drug I really loved (meth), but it didn't take long before I found out and that was all she wrote.
I was back into a active addiction and two years later here I am still and my addiction to these pills are out of control. I need help because I am going to die soon if not. I am getting sicker and sicker by the week. I don't want to die but I don't want to live anymore either. I NEED HELP....