I am in Active Addiction. I Know I am Dying but I Can Not Find a Way to Stop.
I was first addicted to heroin. I beat that addiction after one year. Then three months of being completely clean I was introduced to crystal meth and my addiction got me again - just it was a whole different type of drug.
Unlike heroin I truly did and still do LOVE crystal meth. I do not admit that to people I know because I know how stupid it is but it is my true feeling.
Anyway I was sentenced to prison for one year so I was forced to become clean from meth. After the time spent in prison I had gotten out but was able to stay away from people, places, and things that I figured would lead me to the location of my true love (meth).
I wanted to use so bad but I knew I couldn't use that drug again cause I would never come back alive. It was going to become the reason my mother would have to bury her daughter and I can't let that happen.
I am tired of hurting my mom, she is the only person I have that has always loved me through these addictions. I have no one else left. I was out of prison for about one and a half years when I was assigned a new head doctor at the counseling place I was attending for duel diagnosis groups.
I was receiving counseling for being an addict as well as having been diagnosed with bi-polar, depression, PTSS post traumatic stress syndrome, and anxiety problems that were caused by the long addiction and use of crystal meth.
I was seeing this doctor for about three months when he decided I had attention deficit disorder but it was never recognized by my other doctors because it was mild compared to the other problems I was diagnosed with.
He knew all my history and if I am remembering it correctly we even discussed my addiction to drugs in the past that same day he prescribed for the first time the drug that now is my active addiction. The one that is going to kill me if I can't find a way to stop one more time. I am addicted to Addorall.
I have tried to stop numerous times but don't even last one or two days. I feel like it has beaten me already. I think the last two addictions I beat ended up using everything I had to fight for my life.
I have grew a very high tolerance for this drug. On a normal day I have to use 400 to 500 mg as soon as I open my eyes just to be somewhat normal. Then through out the day I need like 700 to 1000 more milligrams to function.
I have severe panic attacks when I am close to running out. I am now diabetic so when I try not to use my sugar will do one of two things - it will shoot sky high past 400 and not be brought down with anything. Or it will bottom out to around 25 or 30 almost every couple of hours.
My doctor said I am severely under weight and am not getting any nutrition in me. Also I have had to have 5 blood transfusions in nine months because the doc said I am severely anaemic - but they can't figure out why other then the fact of having had a gastro bypass in 2003.
I almost forgot to mention that fact - I had a gastro bypass in 2003
because I weighted 360 pounds. I never used drugs, tried drugs, or imagined I ever would until after I had that damn surgery. I had never even drank alcohol and I was 24 years old.
I really think food was my real true addiction first but after I had that surgery and was unable to eat like I used to my addiction grasped on to something I could do, DRUGS. I regret that surgery so so so much and I would not do it again if I was given the chance to go back in time.
Please help me save my life because I don't want to die but I don't see myself alive without those drugs. Please help me.
Don't give up on yourself! You've beaten two addictions before - and even though you don't think you have it in you to do it again - you can!
The doctor who prescribed that to you is crazy considering your history with drug addiction - so I hope you've changed Doctors and no longer use him.
But the main thing now is not to blame or be angry with him - because you need to focus all your attention on getting clean.
The first step you need to take is get help. In other words you need to find a treatment program for your addiction. In your condition you can't do this alone. Here's a number you can call - 800-559-9503 and they can help you find a treatment program that is suitable for you. Don't wait - call them straight away!
Then I want you to get yourself to an NA meeting. NA is an excellent 12 step program that can help you recover from your addiction - like it has millions of others. And there you'll also meet other people you can talk to and guide you through this really tough period you're going through. The more you surround yourself with good people who understand what you're going through - the better your chance at recovery.
If you don't know how to find a meeting in your area and want to speak to someone first go this NA Page
where you'll be able to look up the contact details of who to contact depending on where you live.
Just take one step at a time. Remember that addiction is a disease of the mind and spirit - and that's why it's so important you find a treatment and recovery program to help you. Don't try do this alone. There is hope - don't give up on yourself.
Take that first step by making that call ... then find an NA meeting you can go to (or at least call them) and then you'll already feel better. If it's too hard for you to call - ask your Mom or a family member/friend to help you. Don't hide this from them. They love you and will want to help you.
Your life is precious - so don't give up on it. One day you'll be able to use the experience of what you've gone through to help others and make a difference. I believe in you and know you can do this. Take those first steps now - and things will get better, you'll see.
Let me know how you're doing and if you need anything else. Keep posting here as often as you need to if it helps. We'll be here to help as best we can.
Don't give up and take those first steps now.