How Do I Let Go of Being a Mother? My Son's Heroin Addiction is Killing Me
My son is now 26. He has been through rehab, detox, AA, NA, sober living homes, rescues, hospitals, jail, jobs and homes more than you could ever imagine.
My first problem is that none of these places keep them long enough to learn to enjoy sobriety. They have to want to be sober - but more than that, enjoy being sober. They become 12 step brainwashed, till they shove it down your throat, and could write the programs themselves.
He knows the ins and outs, and can con even the best of counselors and sponsors. This process started when he was 15 being forced, rehab or jail. I kicked him out of my life 7 months ago (for the 5th or 6th time), only talked to him 3 times on the phone - all 3 times, I was screwed.
I let him know I loved him, but would not accept or have anything to do with his life as an addict. This last call was from the hospital (this was not the first time). He said he was beat up bad, like an idiot I went. There he was, laying in bed, bleeding, head cut and bruised, knees raw with large bruising, arms and feet, with cuts and abrasions, his shorts cut off of him, socks on the floor covered in mud and blood, shoes gone.
He swore someone beat him, as they tried to kill him. Nurse explained, police brought him in restraints, thought he was breaking into a house (no charges, ticket or warrant). She thought, by his injuries that he ran, tried jumping a fence, Nothing broken, he is released. She also told me, he was in rescue 2 days prior, and detox 3 weeks ago.
Actual diagnosis ... heroin addict. HEROIN, WHAT? My worst nightmare. I felt dizzy, sick and had pains in my chest. I didn't know what to do with him. Do I leave him, with no pants, shoes, (I know he will make a scene). He of course, wanted to come to my house, NOT happening!
They thought I should take him to a shelter (he would of never get out of my car). So I went to the store, bought him essentials to include pants and shoes. Put him in a cheap motel for 2 days and $10 worth of phone calls(on crutches). I brought him dinner the second night, just to find left over heroin paraphernalia.
I walked out, he followed me and asked me to come back. I walked back in the room, started to hit him, and told him , on no uncertain terms, he was to never contact me again. And to please, stay away from his 5yr old son. I haven't slept since, I cry when I am alone, want to hold my grandson, but afraid to see him (he links me to his dad, from the second I walk in).
Somehow I seem to make it through my day, at work with a fake smile. I am dead inside, my chest hurts, not sure if I am having a heart attack (praying it is and will take me fast).
You see. I am a Mom. I know the rules. Do not enable, let him hit bottom (he doesn't have one), I know I can't change or fix this.
So lord take me now - if I can't save my child - then I would rather be dead. I refuse to be the one to claim his body - while I waited for him to hit bottom.