How Do I Help My Drug Addict Daughter and 18 Month Old Grandbaby?
My 26 year old daughter is a drug addict. She has been kicked out of every shelter and free rehab in town. She is now living in an apartment that her sister moved out of. The rent is paid up for 3 months.
She has a car but no gas, phone family or friends. Everyone is pretty much through with her because of all her addict behaviors - being violent and abusive, stealing, lying, manipulating. Total chaos when she is around.
I still love her even though she isn't allowed near me, my youngest son or my home. If she calls and I know it is her, I don't even answer the phone. Tonight she called from a number I didn't recognise and I answered it.
She was calling from a grocery store she had walked to and was begging for help. I could hear my granddaughter crying in the background. She said she has food but no gas and doesn't know what to do. I told her to call a local NA and see if they could help her. She asked me if I would buy her a tank of gas so she could try and go somewhere for help. I agreed to buy her a tank of gas tomorrow but I am so torn.
I don't want to get back in the middle of her craziness and I don't have the money to help her anymore. I can't be there for her anymore as this has gone on for over 10 years. Her dad and I are not together and he refuses to help her at all.
I guess my question is that I don't know how to help or even if I should help her anymore. I love her and I hear the desperation in her voice. Should I just continue to stay away from her and not help her at all or how far should I go? I am so confused. How can I help her the best without enabling her anymore.
You help her by not enabling her. It's been 10 years and your daughter has had opportunities to be helped and change her life, but has refused them all. What more can you do?
The fact that she's desperate may be a good sign. Because it's usually through desperation and in our darkest moments, that we surrender and get sick and tired of being sick and tired. That's when change and healing can begin.
So best to leave your daughter and allow her to continue being desperate. You don't really want your granddaughter being an innocent victim to your daughter's insanity however - so can't you look after her or take over custody until your daughter gets clean and turns her life around?
It may not be what your daughter wants, but how can she be a fit mother when she's in active addiction? And no child should be exposed to that kind of life in any shape or form. It isn't fair or right.
Giving your daughter money for gas means it's more than likely that all if not most of it will end up feeding her drug habit. You're just enabling her by doing that. What you should be telling her is that you'll look after the baby so that at least she has a good home - and if she doesn't agree, you should actually be getting Social Services involved, because no child deserves being brought up by someone who can't even look after themselves properly.
And if your daughter realises she stands to lose her daughter, that may mean she reaches the point where she realises it's time to get help and make the changes she needs to make. There are no guarantees but that may finally help her reach rock bottom.
All the Best
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