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Hi My Name's Becca, and I'm an Alcoholic.

by Becca
(united states)

My whole life had been surrounded by some sort of addiction. I was born in a family with an alcoholic/addict father. I thank god every day I have an amazing mother to overpower the pain I felt growing up without someone I had to call daddy.

He left our family when I was only eight years old, leaving his daughter and son behind because getting drunk and high was more important. I never understood how someone could do that until the day I looked in the mirror and saw myself as him. I became the person I hated so much. This is my story;

I had my first drink at the age of 13. I loved it; everything about it. And at first it was the solution to my depression and anxiety. I felt the most free I have ever felt; Like I was reborn. I found the magic in alcohol just from that first sip. I spent my high school career only caring about when I could drink next.

I was obsessed with that next drink. Nothing else seemed to matter. The partying had gotten me into trouble at home which resulted in four hospitalizations and one arrest. I still didn’t learn my lesson though, I continued to drink. Even after smoking weed laced with PCP and ending up in the hospital, that didn’t stop me.

The insanity of this disease is scary. I had no fear. When I graduated high school is when it started to go downhill. I jumped from relationship to relationship. I needed that validation because I hated myself; everything about myself.

This ended me up in a few very abusive relationships. You know they say “the person you date is the exact reflection of who you are and what you think you deserve.”

My very last relationship was the worst. Drugs, alcohol and fighting consumed the entire thing. I loved him though, even with all the lies, the bruises, the fights, I loved the chaos. The lifestyle I had was nothing but abnormal, but it felt so right.

Having no money due to our addiction, lead to us selling drugs. Whether it were my pills, or being the “middle man” in crack deals. The stress between us got too great and ended our relationship in one last fight. The scars left on my heart hurt more than the bruises he left all over my body.

A quote that best describes this feeling is “it’s like you’re screaming, and no one can hear, you almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing, no one will ever understand how much it hurts, you feel hopeless, like nothing can save you, and when it’s over, and it’s gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good.”

When the relationship was over I went on a two month straight drinking binge. I would do anything for a bottle, whether I had to steal, pawn valuables, or have sex with a guy. I degraded myself just to feel ok, to stop the shaking. Just to hide the pain of what had happened to me.

And every time I degraded myself it was another reason to drink. It was a vicious cycle. I felt trapped, lost, and broken. I’ve hurt a lot of people during those two months. I was walking through hell everyday but I was dragging the people who care right behind me.

I’ve put my mother through unbearable pain. She never knew if she was going to get a phone call saying her only daughter is dead. The sad part of it is that I was praying and praying I would die. I put myself in situations where the possibilities of my life ending were great.

I’ve come to near death experiences more times than I can count. Ranging from alcohol poisoning to drunk driving to getting involved with gang members. I didn’t value life anymore. I felt I had no reason to live. I couldn’t stop drinking on my own, it was nearly impossible. I ended up in two different rehabs from September to December. Relapse is a part of my story.

This disease is very powerful, everyday I’m sober that monster is doing pushups, getting stronger, waiting for me to slip, so it can drag me back to hell. I have 33 days sober today. Today, even though most days are beyond shitty and my emotions drown me, at moments I feel a genuine happiness that can’t be found in a bottle, a pill, or a guy.

I feel grateful that I can look at myself in the mirror and say “I’m not a bad person.” I can’t change my past and no matter how dirty my past is, my future is absolutely spotless. I take it day by day and I do not drink no matter what. Addiction is what I have, NOT WHO I AM.

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Apr 30, 2012
by: Anonymous

Hello Becca,

I, too, can totally relate to your story...went through pretty much the same things in my life...I am now 48 years old, and after 25 years of sobriety, I find myself fighting this same demon all over again...I feel so ashamed for allowing myself to take the first drink...thank you for helping me relive what I experienced in my helped me remember what awaits me at the bottom of a isn't pretty...I do not have clean time yet, but am praying that I can find that place before it gets out of hand! God bless you and I am sending prayers for you!

Feb 21, 2012
You are amazing.
by: Anonymous

Becca- its a pleasure to 'meet' you and read your story.

I am the Ex partner of an Alcoholic, I just submitted my own story today unfortunately it doesn't have a happy ending, which is a reality of addiction.

I just wanted to say I hope you understand that strangers like me appreciate how much inner strength and courage you are having to use to fight this hourly, daily, weekly battle.

You are an inspiration. The honesty in which you type is a gift and I thank you for baring your soul and revealing the hell you have been through and are still for the hell you think you put your loved ones through, let me tell you speaking from the loved one of an addict- what you're achieving now will be enough of an apology.

They don't need a 'sorry', they'll just be so proud to see what you are becoming...happy and beautiful inside and out.

I send you all my love and best wishes for a wonderful future

Feb 18, 2012
Thank you
by: B

I debated what to put as the comment title but ultimately feel thank you is best. I much needed to read your story today. I'm hoping to possibly write my own story on this site. I'm not sure if this site allows it but if you would like to be part of my support group I would greatly appreciate it. My email is Thank you.

Feb 15, 2012
Becca were the same!
by: Christina

hey Becca im 28 years old and when i was reading ur story i was amazed because i felt like i was reading about my life. everything that u explained i went through the same exact things, everything. and i wanted to say congrats on being sober it is the best feeling in the world! god bless sweetheart!!!

Feb 14, 2012
Great Job Becca
by: Canadian mom

Hi Becca,

Thanks for sharing that well written piece on your experience & your thoughts. I had to comment becasue you remind me so much of my 24 yr old son & his struggles as well (but he's still struggling). You're both beautiful souls no doubt!

Kudo's to you for putting the hard work needed into your recovery. I'm sure you have already heard this a million times...but "forgiveness" is more to help heal the person who's been hurt. You may want to consider forgiving your dad in your journey of healing as well.

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