Here I Go Again: My Out of Control Drinking Problem is Torture
Well, I need to express myself by sharing my story. I am 29. (single female). So, when you meet me initially, you think wow this girl has it ALL together AND I am pretty.
I am charming and intelligent. Super resourceful and independent, caring and giving and admired by lots until you know my whole deal. Since about the age of 22 to 23, I have been drinking off and on and quite heavily. 2 DUI's, unplanned pregnancy, countless jobs, bent up cars, loss of license (currently have to drive with ignition interlock), countless one night stands, dozens of sex partners over the years, loss of respect, shameful -- embarrassment of a human being.
Most of my stories ( I keep hidden) but everyone in my family knows I am a drunk. In fact I AM THE DRUNK of the 5 kids. All the rest can reasonably handle booze. I am so angry and sickened. After years of this misery and hell, some months ago I started a group for recovering alcoholics. And things were going well. Well, I have moved and had to stop as I left out of state cos I had gotten fired from last PROP MGMT job and couldn't find work.
Anyways, I know inside I have a hideous drinking problem. I don't like to call myself a drunk but I am. No, I don't drink daily or even weekly but when I do, I tie it on like it's the last.
This stuff is so humiliating I have to share under the cover of being anonymous. Since moving to yet another new place, in one month I have managed to completely lose ground with being sober. I Have had casual sexual encounters at least 5 times now already in one month.
And the latest is I have taken a position as a caretaker and moved in with a blind man. Swearing this will help me cos I need to be sober, GUESS WHAT? Last night, he drank with me and we both got drunk and he then proceeded to want to have sex with me and I go undressed and he started touching me but I STOPPED IT!
This man is almost 50 and this is sickening. I am supposed to be his HELP not his sex partner but I got so inebriated that I lost total perception and allowed this man to touch me --- I feel sickened and repulsed. I awoke today with a terrible hangover, terrible and laid there thinking HOW do we overcome this now?
So I walked out to the living room where he was and we talked about it and I explained that this was unacceptable on both our parts and that I will not be getting drunk again with him (What he doesn't know is, this experience is one of dozens upon dozens that I have had due to my insane outta control drinking). Anyways, I feel cheap and dirty and have lost some respect in his eyes as well. He didn't get nearly as drunk as me.
My family thinks I am better. I had to leave my last living situation because I was going into my room and putting away pints of vodka -- leaving in the middle of the night, and wandering around this large city alone -- I would be super loud when talking on the phone and clearly, was obnoxious. My room mate said I was a delight but something was wrong (she didn't know I was drinking in my room).
One evening I decided I wanted some wine, so I bought sum. Well I drank the bottle and wanted more so I called a cab and got more. That evening wound me up, walking down town into bars alone and I wound up going home with a stranger and sleeping with him ---
I have so many of these stories its unreal. And the odd thing is, I AM NOTHING like this SOBER. I am respectful, kind, have high morals but I tell myself every time I WON'T get drunk to this point but yet I do EVERY SINGLE TIME!
Its gotten so extreme that I am surprised I am even alive -- last time I drank at last room mates house, I had gotten some alcohol and left on foot drunk. Some where along there I went to a pub, met an english man -- went back to his house, made out with him and then blacked out only to find myself WALKING the streets where some girl came and picked me up and let me sleep at her house. I awoke next
morning, hung over and confused and started my walk home.
You know there are so many absurd stories like this its unthinkable. Every time these events occur I promise myself NO MORE GETTING DRUNK! Guess what? I always end up getting drunk. The thing is, I am not a promiscuous person sober. And rarely even climax or even remember why I am going home with these strangers. What is wrong with me? Some are professionals and some are just guys and some are weirdos and some are young and some are old.
The oldest was going home with a 80 something year old man. We didn't sleep together but he stripped down and had me give him a spongebath. And he was married but his wife was gone. Of course I was intoxicated. I awoke to him sitting across from me reading the newspaper and drinking v8.
And of course there is the time I met an older gentlemen at a pub. He drove me back to my place. I don't remember the drive back but apparently he came inside my apartment with me. When he left, he didn't close the door all the way because when I awoke several hours later, I was just waking up when THAT SAME MAN CAME BACK just wandering into my house! He said he was coming to check on me and he brought me Burger King! Now, this sounds funny but the truth is -- he could have been a serial murderer. He left.
I have blacked out so many times--I go out alone too. I drink alone in my room. I don't do it all the time. But it's picking up in frequency.
This latest rendezvous with my blind room mate is horrific and sickening. I feel guilty for letting this happen. Of course, no one can know these things. I just suffer silently wondering why am I this way and will I ever gain enough self control to stop this assanine behavior?
I am so angry with myself. All of the trouble that my drinking has caused and I still do it. I have to wonder almost each time I go out to pubs alone the next day if I am pregnant. I live constantly wondering if I am pregnant because I can't remember if I had sex with men when we leave together. I have gone out to bars DRUNK, in my pajamas. Dirty as well.
I mean, I clean up fairly nice but OMG to see me out on one of my rampages is embarrassing. I can't imagine what people think.
Truth is, I stopped going out with people to drink because people started giving me a hard time about how I acted drunk and I was drinking too much so then over the years, I would go out alone. The thing is, I am never looking for a man -- I typically go to the bars ONCE I have gotten drunk or fairly buzzed at home ... then I end up going home with people.
I never go to a pub sober. I don't know what to do anymore. I have been tested for AIDS/HIV ... so far clear.
I have probably had around 100 sexual partners. I have even slept with women. I feel hideous and nasty and I have to lie to my friends and family saying I am not drinking. In fact, I don't have many friends anymore I think largely because of this.
I don't even know what going on a real date is like anymore because I get so hammered and end up sleeping with each date if I have one.
I hate myself. I know I need to stop but I crave the high. I want to control this beast or its gonna kill me and everyone knows this.
I have to put up a facade as I have been drinking heavily since I moved a month ago but everyone thinks I am doing so well. I am ashamed that I am hiding and drinking again.
I need encouragement and hope. Sometimes I say, if this is the rest of my life, let me just die. This is pure torture and hell. People think I am just selfish but I am not. I desperately want to stop abusing alcohol. I do for awhile but I always return.
My stories are terrible and I haven't even scratched the surface. I have been raped, beaten and robbed on several occasions. I have spent time in jail. I have endured so much humiliation and shame and yet I continue on. What in the hell is wrong with me!!??