Fear Losing My Wife Now That She's in Recovery from Alcoholism
by Robert B
My wife 18 month in recovery is distant, I guess in denial that it is the disease still lurking. She goes to AA, I'm in Al-Anon, we both see shrinks. I'm afraid she is just going to give up on the marriage because she is lazy.
I don't even know what I want from you but really want to save my marriage and try to get back to my wife who says she does love me and wants to work at the marriage. However, she won't talk about anything other then superficial things. We never see each other but she does not want to make time either for me.
We practice detachment and I just think the longer this goes on the worst off she will be. Any advice????
The dynamics of every relationship is different, but what doesn't change is that for a relationship to work - commitment, hard work, patience, tolerance, communication etc. is required from both parties.
You say she's lazy - what does that mean? It's so difficult to comment when one can't see first hand what's going on. Maybe there is still a lot of stuff she is processing and coming to terms with in her recovery from alcoholism
. Each person in recovery recovers at their own pace and in their own way.
So if it's really bothering you, you need to talk to her. Try and get her to open up to you. Find out what's going on for her. And the only way she's likely to do that is if you approach it in a calm, non-threatening, non-defensive way. Communication remains key if a relationship is going to work.
But at the same time be patient with her. If she says she loves you and is committed to making the marriage work, why are you doubting her? 18 months isn't that long in recovery so give it time. What about also creating some quality alone time where you can just have fun and enjoy each other again - a weekend away, fun date nights? That way she may start feeling more at ease again and feel more comfortable about opening up.
It is impossible to say what your wife is going through and what she's feeling. Only you can find that out by getting her to open up to you. But take the pressure off yourself for a while - and be creative and think of ways where you two can spend quality, fun time together again. Get that right and I'm sure everything will fall into place again.
The consequences of there having been alcoholism in a relationship can cause lasting damage, scars for either party that may take time to heal. So take the time to get to know each other again, rekindle the romance, and hopefully that way in time things will develop to where you want them to.
Take Care and Good Luck