Do I Enable Him? My Drug Addicted Son Has Asked Me To Lend Him Money
(Houston, TX USA)
My son is out of the house. He is 22. His father made him go because he disrespected rules and stole from us. We took his car when he was 18. He has no job because he says he has no car. He depends on friends to take him to and from.
I tried to help when he was younger but he never managed to stay working. I even had him work with me, but things became missing, he was always taking smoke breaks and or the phone arguing with is friends. He has since burnt bridges with friends, Stole from friends and disrespected them.
He still does drugs, drinks, swears and is rude when he doesn't get his way. Now he lives with a another friend. He texts me and says he needs 100.00 he owes this guy for drugs and that this guy is really mad. He says he has a job now. His room-mate will take him to and from since on the same schedule.
However, he won't get paid for 2 wks and this guy is hounding him. Says he really is angry and will hurt him if he doesn't pay up. I have helped him 1 time before. I do help him with rent and food but will not support his drug choices or the consequences there of anymore. However I don't want him dead. He knows better.
I really don't want to give him rent money, but for marriage sake, paying for it keeps him out of my home. He's putting the guilt trip on me and I'm sick of it. But I love him and fear for his life sometimes. Should I even help him with rent and food? What about this guy?
I understand the root of his turning his life into this mess. But the blame game needs to end now. Home life with his dad may have hurt him, but he can't keep living in the past and blaming others for his poor choices. He needs to take ownership of his mistakes...forgive and grow up.
Lending your son money, does just further enable his addiction, because it means he doesn't have to live with the consequences of the continuous poor choices he keeps making.
Whether it be rent, food, or bailing him out of a sticky situation he has got himself into, you're just making it easier for him to stay in his destructive lifestyle, because he knows deep down Mom will be there if he gets in a real pickle.
Cutting off all funding is a bit like cutting off the oxygen supply that feeds his drug habit. Suddenly things aren't so 'easy' anymore and - truly living with the consequences of his addiction might wake him up to the fact that this is not actually a life he wants to keep on living.
There are of course no guarantees and drug addicts do live on a very fine line whereby something could happen and they pay the ultimate price for their poor choices, namely with their lives. It's the tragic reality that accompanies the life of addiction.
But that's not your fault and as a parent you can't prevent that, no matter what you do. You're right in saying that the blame game needs to end, because as long as there is blame, there is no accountability and so change won't happen.
Hopefully your son does at some point reach his bottom and makes an effort to turn his life around. But it's unlikely he's going to get there if you keep enabling him. He needs to learn that his destiny is in his hands and that he's totally responsible for the choices he makes.
Good Luck and Take Care