by J. Williams
(Springfield, MA, US)
We all want only the best for the people we care about. Unfortunately it's all up to the individual. I really don't like slogans, but most of them are true. "You gotta want it."
I had to come to the end of myself, and what that means is that I had to realize that I couldn't beat the addiction alone. I had to give up, surrender, and stop fighting a losing battle. I could not win no matter how hard I tried, any amount of self effort, good intentions, or willpower just didn't cut it.
For me it took, aside of the Grace of God, a five year prison sentence. I got busted for distribution of heroin and trafficking cocaine in a school zone, conspiracy and whole bunch of other charges. I just tell you that to let you know that I'm not some saint trying to preach a good message. I used and sold drugs for 24 years until I was finally done with the lifestyle of death and destruction that got me nowhere in life. "Literally sick and tired of being sick and tired."
I think my lifestyle was only a mask of how I felt about myself and my perception on life and society as a whole. I couldn't deal with the pressures of the guilt of the past, the shame of not living up to my potential, remorse for letting people down, anger, bitterness, resentments, etc... I had a lot of time to reflect on all the stuff I've done and really wanted to change, really this time.
I set out to be transformed by the renewing of the mind, a total complete change in the way I perceived situations and circumstances had to occur. I could not have done it without God in my life leading, guiding, and directing me the whole way.
Amazing as it is God was involved before I ever acknowledged His presence. I believe that He orchestrated things i my life to bring me to a place of complete and total reliance and dependence on a power greater than myself where I was powerless to continue and powerless to stop. Rock bottom became a firm foundation in order to build upon.
"But For The Grace Of God" I am clean and sober today. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. Trusting, relying, and depending on the willingness and the ability of God to do that which I could not do. He leads, guides, and directs me in a path that is best for my life. faith/meetings/sponsor/home group/church/staying active/helping others/keeping it moving/have the day of your choice/one day at a time/mindfulness