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Coming To The Realization: I Have A Drinking Problem

That I have a drinking problem. I've lost my last two boyfriends due to drinking related problems. I cannot recall the last holiday that I spent with my family because I ended up passed out. I blacked out at a work function the other night and am feeling completely embarrassed.

My co-workers have seen me drink too much before, but not to the point where I can't remember what happened. Fortunately I am a nice drunk so no one seems to mind too much. The problem is that my family, friends, and co-workers all drink ... a lot. I feel like I can't escape it.

I am so disappointed in myself right now that I don't even know what to do. I'm scared to see my family at the next holiday. I'm scared that my boss is going to talk to me about being drunk at a work event. I am so lucky that my family, friends, and co-workers are supportive and I know that they love me and will help me however they can.

But that almost makes it worse because I know that there is no reason for me to be drinking so heavily all the time.

At the core of it, I know I drink because I feel alone. Even when I'm surrounded by people, I feel totally alone. Like I'm an island and I will never find anyone that really gets me. I'm a perfectionist and I build these gigantic walls and refuse to let anyone in. In fact, I'm thinking about not posting this because I don't want to share this with anyone ... even strangers who have no idea who I am.

I'm just praying to God, asking him for help. Asking him to help me to stop drinking. I thought I could just have one or two drinks, but I'm powerless. If I have two I'm going to have everything I can get my hands on until I eventually pass out.

A friend had to drive me home last night. I was mad at him because I thought I could drive. He told me he would take me to my car in the morning, but I didn't want to wait. After he dropped me off I walked around until I randomly flagged someone down and convinced them to take me to my car. I have no idea why they did, or why they let me drive. I'm lucky it wasn't someone that wanted to rob or kill me.

I live with this every day and I have no one to talk to about it. I thought about going to AA, but I can't muster up the courage to walk into a room full of strangers. I would go to a therapist, but I feel so embarrassed and I know I would just sit there and cry the entire time and feel like an idiot.

What do I do? I'm burden to my family, friends, co-workers and basically myself. I love myself, I know I do, but I can't keep living like this. I'm going to hurt myself or someone else. What if I had gotten in a car accident?

If you're reading this please help. Please post something that lets me know that I can do this. I've never been so scared in my life. I'm scared to face my co-workers and boss. I've seen them the past few days and apologized to the friend that took me home. He just said he was glad I'm safe and he is here if I ever want to talk.

The problem is I can't open my mouth. I can't admit this imperfectionism. I don't want to be doomed in life, but I know that's where I'm headed if I continue down this path.

I know God can hear me. I know He's listening. I'm asking, in my loudest voice, for help. Please be with me. Please help me to gain control of this problem. I'm scared and I need you. Forgive me for what I've done wrong and help me to forgive myself. Stay with me, carry me, and continue to love me.

I need you more than I think I've ever needed you before. I need your help. Please let this be OK. Please let my co-workers, family, and friends forget all the times I was drunk. Please help them to stop gossiping about me and help them not to worry about me. Help me to show them that I am strong and I have overcome this - help me show and have it be true. I can't do this without you. I love you, I know you're here for me. Amen.

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Feb 22, 2012
celebrate recovery group
by: Anonymous

I have felt the exact same way you do. I had to find the right support for me. AA wasn't for me, so I kept searching. I found a group called Celebrate Recovery. There are chapters all over the world that meet at churches. It's a Christ-based recovery group that combines the best of church and rehab, utilizing the 12 step program. It's for people with any kind of addiction: alcohol, drugs, food, sex, co-dependency, you name it. The people are are from all walks of life, from doctors to blue collar workers, and when you break into small private groups, you will only be with people who have your same problem and are the same sex as you, so it's all women or all men. This organization has been my saving grace, like a family. You can search it online. I hope this helps

Feb 18, 2012
Minus the
by: B

My advice is the same advice I have to constantly remind myself and that I work on daily: We can't say "what if?". You mentioned in your story that "What if you had got in a car accident?". The reality is that you did not get in a car accident so you don't need to waste time or agonize over something that did not happen. This is so easy for me to write but as I write this I am fighting my own what if demons. God bless you and trust me He will.

Jan 25, 2012
let go and let god...
by: Anonymous

First of all, no one is perfect!! Life is not about having a perfect track record, it is about learning and growing as the UNIQUE person that you are. We all have humiliating and dark stories concerning our addiction, but those are usually the stories that help keep us sober. You must let go of all the fears about what "everyone is going to think", or gossip about if you seek counseling or get help. What you should think, is how brave you are for realizing you have a problem, and are reaching out for help. Many people don't have such courage. I pray for serenity in your life, and hope you will seek further support in a treatment program. Don't be so hard on have already taken the first step!

Dec 19, 2011
Don't give up.
by: Anonymous

Your story had me in tears and I had to write back. I grew up with an alcoholic father who took thirty years to finally admit he had a problem and even longer to do something about it. He finally went to AA two years ago and has been sober ever since. I cannot and will not pretend to understand how difficult it must be for you but I can tell you that AA saved my father's life. Please don't give up because if my father could turn his life around so can you. Be strong, have courage and remember that you are never alone in fighting this. You are so very brave in posting your story and I will be praying that you can overcome this. Best wishes.

Dec 17, 2011
Great share
by: Anonymous

Now that you've come to the realization you have the power to change things. Don't be afraid to get help and reach out to those who are in a position to do so. It can be a very lonely and difficult place trying to face something like this alone. Changes happens in taking action. Your drinking problem isn't just going to disappear by itself. It's up to you now to take the steps that can get you started down a new path. As scary as it may seem now, the rewards will be well worth it. Good Luck

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